my ultimate goal

so somehow, i pulled this out of my ass. 365 entries for the year of 2010.

at the end of any long race, the feeling is always more of relief than anything else. it's actually done. whatever i have gained, or lost, is probably discernible only a bit of time later.

i leave 2010 with one thought.

as long as i can remember, my ultimate focus has been on achieving things.

the challenge now, is to slowly start to realize that the higher, more difficult, but ultimately more rewarding goal, is to focus on discarding things.

the formula, part two

in addition to part one:

the more me i feel, the harder it is to get off the rat race and find long lasting contentment.

the less me i perceive, the larger the proportional happiness of anything.

sustainable selflessness

how much do i sacrifice for my loved ones?

the word "sacrifice" in itself means there is something i'm giving up, possibly with no return. when i truly expect no return, then the word doesn't even mean anything anymore. well, not that i expect to get there this life time.

but it's still a relevant question.

to the extent that i can remain sane, as much as possible.

ideally, food, clothing, shelter, and rest are not worries. there's the old cliche that if i can't take care of myself, i can't take care of others. perhaps a slight modification is that if i ignore myself to take care of others, while noble, it helps them in the short term, but when i burnout and break down, i'm certainly not helping any one in the long term. so maybe there should a term called "sustainable selflessness".

like all things, it's a fine balance, learned through trial and error.

if there is one personal thing i need to do for myself, wake up that one hour earlier to do it. it will help keep me sane.

in any case, the less ego and attachment i have in the first place, the less the consequences matter. "how much is enough" is no longer a question, it just becomes something that happens.

the problem of different levels

it's always a bit weird that i may hear the same concept a dozen times, and finally, something finally clicks, and i "get it".

this particular one is the problem of different levels. on one hand, i know i'm blessed with all sorts of good fortune. while i'm writing, i try to imagine the different responses, and inevitably they become variations of you don't have to worry and you won't understand, because you don't have money problems/don't have kids/don't have health issues/have too much free time. and i get stuck because one, they're somewhat true at this point, and two, contemplation does seem to be a bit of a frivolous luxury. so, i have immense difficulty writing things that might apply across the spectrum, even to my future self when i encounter these various issues.

so, today, i came across the well-known quote: 窮則獨善其身，達則兼善天下. and suddenly the issue crystallized.

no matter what state me, or the future-me will be in, there is still self-reflection to do, self-virtue to cultivate, and greater things to serve. the actual percentage of what is doable, will largely depend on my economic/health/family status. even if i have absolutely no time, no bandwidth, no money, no health, that does not preclude me from doing the right things when i have the choice to. that act in itself is it.

sure. i can have as many reasons as i want to, there's no one stopping me.

whatever level i'm at, or will be at, i can't control. but i could stop making excuses.

uneasiness

as the year, this daily blog practice, and certain parts of my life, all draw towards a close, i seem to have this pervading sense of uneasiness.

perhaps, all this "progress" has been an illusion?

perhaps, suffering really is inescapable, despite my realization that i'm a speck of a speck?

perhaps, effort really is futile?

perhaps, i'm destined to be thrown around in the oceans of fate, never getting used to either the storm or the calm?

perhaps, i'll be forever caught in the no-man's land of neither being spiritual enough to find contentment, nor being intellectual enough to fully comprehend the intricacies of existence?

perhaps, life is all downhill from here?

and i wonder if i can just forget contemplating about these things, after all, most, if not all, people do completely fine without ever worrying about it. or, i just keep myself so busy i won't have the time to worry about it.

i just need to accept, that i can't stop myself from wondering. it doesn't matter that no one else is wondering.

and that it's my mind being tossed around, really. things outside, well, the things that change, change, the things that don't change, don't change.

which is to say, things will go on no matter how my mind perceives them, so, it's ok to relax about it.

unanticipated things

at the start of my run, i worried if it'd be too cold, if my foot would suddenly cramp up, if i'd get hungry, if i'd have the motivation to cover the 20km i wanted to. after all, i hadn't run this far since the marathon back in february.

2km in, i realized, my throat was getting dry. by 4km, my thirst was getting pretty unbearable. it was not remotely a problem i had considered. in the summer, perhaps, but not when the weather was this cold and i had been well hydrated before the start. but, it was another 4km before i could run back to my starting point for my water bottle. so, it wasn't that i had a choice anyway.

if i walked, then it'd be even longer before i could get a drink. run too fast, even worse things might happen. i could already feel an impending headache, which didn't make sense to me, as i thought logically there's just no way i could be dehydrated, so it was probably just in the mind. at the same time, i was beginning to be able to taste blood at the back of my throat. each breath hurt a little bit more.

but, somehow, in trying to block out everything except to tell myself one step at a time, one step at a time, i made it back, and i took the sweetest drink of water.

and i smiled at my own attempt to foresee all problems, to plan for everything. still, one small bit of experience gained.

the things i carry

but i have burdens now. i have obligations. responsibilities outside of myself. i have family. i have people who rely on me. if i fail, my family suffers. there are risks i can no longer afford to take. it isn't even about "me" anymore. most of the time, i'm worrying about things that aren't about me. in fact, all the time, i'm worrying about things that are related to me, but not "me" me.

but without really taking care of myself, without doing the necessary mental work, i'll just remain in there, stuck in that particular state of existence. and my loved ones, i'm just providing for them. which is nice, and necessary, but i'm not doing anything beyond.

the question is, am i helping them to get to having long term well-being as well?

the work still has to be done. it's possibly even more important to get my act together. so they gain that extra bit of internal happiness as well.

the formula

the formula really is so simple.

the more internal happiness i find within, the less i need to get it from outside things.

meaning as use

meaning comes from use. no use, no meaning.

how not to get lost

one of the hardest things is how to write about existence and meaning without going insane.

on an atomic level, i'm an unbelievably complicated arrangement of atoms.

on a cosmic level, i'm a blink of a blink in the universe.

on a human level, i'm a member of my family, my society, and i have things i do to keep things working the way they're supposed to.

on a personal level, i'm a person, enveloped in the everyday things i do.

if i zoom in to the level of atoms, the things in me have always existed, just in a different form. if i zoom out even just to the level of human civilization, my existence makes little difference.

yet, the only level it makes sense to me on a day-to-day basis is my singular perspective about what i need, what i have to do. but in the back of my mind, not to belittle myself, but i know whatever it is i'm doing is a re-arrangement of atoms, pre-determined or otherwise, and in any case, totally insignificant in the grand scheme of things. but of course i keep doing them.

here are the rules on how not to get lost.

- assume self-interest is the basic reason for human existence.

- most people peer through the world via their own eyes. pick three people and view the world from their eyes.

- don't go zooming until it's absolutely necessary.

- the message is just a small part of things. remember, words are futile. always provide space to reflect.

maintaining sanity

when all else fails, observe the mind.

even in the midst of total insanity, observe the mind.

and take one more step back, and observe the observer of the mind.

as time goes by

it seems to me in the long road of life, burdens really just get heavier as we grow older. or, they were always there, just that for some of us lucky ones, we had our parents to take care of them.

time really becomes more and more sparse. and time really is kind of important.

so if i were to chat with my younger self, i'd probably tell him it is worth it to try to figure out, even approximately, the principles i want to live by, as you're not going to have time later in life. and then it's too late.

what do i want to be remembered by?

this is such a weird question for me now. the simple answer, now, is i really wouldn't care. i mean, ideally, at my eulogy, people would say more nice things than bad things (it seems like a reasonable thing to wish for), but the way things work, at these eulogies, people say nice things about the worst people anyway.

i'm trying to recall when i went from "i want to remembered as this great person" to "i'm dead, why would it make a difference?" to "ok, it would probably not be a bad thing if somehow people become happier/inspired/etc etc if i died". the last one does sound weird, but it's really is kind of the only thing that would remotely matter.

i suppose it's a bit of a continuum. the difficult part is realizing that, regardless of whether there's an afterlife or not, whether anyone remembers me, the way i should live my life should really be the same.

don't forget

if and when i go up the ladder of things, or even when i'm climbing up the ladder of things, it's all too easy to forget the view from the bottom of things.

if i only keep looking up to climb up certain ladders, it's easy to forget i might be sliding down the much larger ladder.

stardust

i'm here this moment because of some uncountable trillions of physical reactions, all from residues of stardust. the atoms in my body are a billions of years old.

as far as i can tell, the laws of physics will continue to hold true, at least in the foreseeable future.

so yup, things will happen the way they're supposed to happen.

i'm worthless

so are we all.

in the large scheme of things, it doesn't matter.

the only thing to do is to find the things that i find meaningful.

it really is ok if no one else thinks so.

because if we step back enough steps, and the view is long, long term enough, nothing that anyone is doing is meaningful.

and if something meaningful is just too hard to find, just find something to do that makes somebody else happier. then, i'll be slightly less worthless.

my biggest attachments

external things i need:

family, friends, quiet time, good food, good sleep.

things my ego needs:

career success; intellectual superiority; being cool.

eeek. this is not pretty.

for a moment, a magic wand has taken away these things.

i better have built up my reservoir of understanding, so when these things go, that really is all there to it, that they're gone. the task at hand is just to find that elusive peace of mind once again, that just had another layer stripped away, but also just darted away to some dark, hidden corner.

theoretically, when i find it again, it will be even clearer, brighter.

do it

because it needs to be done.

falling behind

this is perhaps my single biggest fear, the beast that follows me around like my own shadow. everyone out there is busy doing something more productive, more meaningful, just better in every sense.

the people that i used to think were my peers, they're now managing directors, parents, landlords, entrepreneurs, people who are simply further ahead in the path of life.

and me? i'm just wallowing around, almost aimlessly. i think i have a general direction, but i couldn't really explain it if i tried. on one hand, i seem to have managed to figure some things out. on the other, i'm still asking myself, so what? and then?

i'm also conscious of the problem that, even if i had taken a different route, and somehow had ended up becoming one of these people i admire, i'd still be asking myself - so what? and then?

and i know we're all running around in circles, figuratively and literally, on this floating ball of rock in space. and, eventually, we all end up in the very same place. the pace doesn't matter too much, since we will all get there. but, life still feels like a damn race to me.

so... if i really insist on thinking that life is a race, i better figure out which race it is i want to run. if i'm running the wrong one, it doesn't matter if i race far, far ahead.

there are races that i have to keep a jogging pace (health, rent payments), races i shouldn't give a crap about (coolness and popularity).

the hardest race for me, it seems, is the one to locate the peace of mind. the reason it's so damn hard is the circumstances change all the time, requiring something different every time. and if i don't count myself, there's no opponent. there is never going to be a quantifiable score that i can be "more peaceful" than someone else.

but it's the one race where i might be able to win, without anyone losing, where i can actually go faster when i help others along the road. one race i know i'm winning when i realize that winning is not so important.

the one race that can make sense of all the other races.

changing lens

if i zoom out, i see patterns i never knew were there.

if i zoom in, i see details i never appreciated before.

most of the time, these levels aren't quite relevant, they really have no bearing on my life, not at this instant at least.

but when i'm in the middle of the maelstrom of things, it's a good reminder not to take myself too seriously.

strengths and flaws

my strengths today, can be my flaws tomorrow. particularly if i rely too much on them.

my flaws today, can be my strengths tomorrow. particularly if i learn from them.

the things to do

do things that are important, not things that are urgent.

(create a ratio or something. for every three urgent things, one important thing has to be done.)

do things because they make sense to me, not because everyone else is doing it.

(that way, i only have myself to blame.)

do a few things damn good, not many things pretty good.

(or, at least attempt to do so.)

do things because they need to be done, not because they're convenient and available.

(especially the things that need to be done, but people don't want to do.)

what if i have nothing to show for after doing, or attempting to do, these things of supposed importance?

i seem to forget the only person that really cares about what i have to show for, is my own mind.

certainty is overrated

this thing i'm doing, that causes me undue stress and anxiety -

because it's uncertain, and i don't know how it will turn out?

or because it's actually wrong?

if it's not the latter, there's really nothing to worry about.

in the long run, pretty much everything takes turns in causing stress and anxiety. and they also take their turns becoming fine again.

the sheer agony of objective review

for the first time, i am now starting to try to make sense of all these ramblings over the past year.

each of these little blog entries is like a little war inside my brain, only that there might not be two sides, and it's more like a mosh-pit turned into a free-for-all fight.

re-reading these things is like remembering the gory details of these fights, and re-reading many of them all in one go feels like i'm drinking from a firehose, and that the firehose is spouting gasoline.

it's also a bit demoralizing to see the same questions being asked over and over, and there are far more questions than answers. and i confuse even myself. and a lot of it is just not very good, despite the effort.

so this is what i have to show for a year's worth of work? but what did i expect? one, it's only a year. two, who did i think i was. three, i still have a long, long way to go.

reviewing my own things with an objective eye is just so, so excruciating. which is why i try to avoid most of the time. which is why it's so damn important.

the sources of melancholy

(assuming basic life needs have been fulfilled here...)

i'm falling behind.

i won't live up to my own expectations.

i'm going to be very mediocre.

i will be irrelevant.

i have potential, but that's it, it just remains as potential.

i won't realize my dreams - they will remain that forever, just dreams.

i don't even know what dreams are anymore.

***

is that all? so what, now i did what i wanted to do?

is this already the highest point of my life? where else to go? there's nowhere to go but down.

am i really that good? or am i just lucky? what if people see through it?

what if i somehow lose it all?

***

the pains of me almost always overshadow the pains of the world.

the more me i feel, the greater my pain.

i like being told what to do

i'd like to know that i'm doing the right thing. i'd like to know i'm doing it well. i'd like to know this way forward is the best way forward.

horrifyingly i realized, this are pretty much the components of someone who likes being told what to do.

fortunately and unfortunately, i seem to still have the teenage-like rebellious mentality of not listening to any figure of authority or seniority.

which means, there's no way for me to satisfy my need to know for sure that things will be ok. (not that figures of authority really know, by the way. but there is an interim false sense of security they can provide.)

so, i really have to learn to live with not knowing where i'm going. either that, or find the answers myself that i'm so fully convinced of there's not a shred of doubt in my mind.

unfairness happens

one of the great mysteries of human psychology is my desire to be superior and the world to be fair at the same time.

i want the world to be fair so everyone has the same starting point. i want to be better than everyone so i am better, because of me, not because of my circumstances. that makes me feel nice.

and of course unfairness happens. to me, to you, to him, to her, to it, to us, to them.

over the long run, does karma do its thing, and do things equalize and simply become fair?

or, i simply come to accept the status quo as reasonably fair, since it's the way the world works? and justify i am where i am because i'm quicker, smarter, braver, a generally better human being?

or, i'm actually trying to do something about the way things are?

the loop

the loop, also known as the death recursion into the existential abyss.

it starts when i wonder what i'm doing with myself. then, i start to ponder existence generally. then soon, i realize there is no inherent meaning in existence generally, and whatever meaning we instill in things is just that, creations of my mind. suddenly, nothing matters anymore.

it is a fine line between being passively nihilistic and coming to terms with this emptiness of things.

it is precisely because nothing matters anymore, that the only thing that matters is my peace of mind, whichever way i get there.

my greatest individual achievement

is still dependent on other people. the people who went before me, who inspired me, who taught me, who built the platform that i could even succeed on.

sure, i wouldn't be here if not for them, but it was me who put in the effort. me who endured the dark times. me who overcame these insurmountable odds.

i created this achievement out of thin air - well, the earth was created out of thin air. (and some dust). but if i had to design myself from scratch i'd still make myself believe that i was the source of this achievement.

how much of this awesome achievement i think is mine reflects more of my understanding of things than anything else.

and it's always funny how these attributions get flipped around in the case of my greatest individual failure.

things people should do

as they say, we can lead a horse to the water but we can't make it drink.

people will only focus on doing what they feel like doing, not what we think they should do (or even what they think they should do, for that matter).

even if we are unequivocally convinced we are right (which is a lot rarer than we think), there's absolutely no reason for them to do what we think is good for them. one, we may not be right, and two, we might be right but the timing's not right for them, or three, they simply don't feel like it.

the focus should really be on being a pond, and hopefully a not-too-murky pond. and hopefully not poison anybody that happens to come along.

i wouldn't know where to start

this really is a variation of the question of finding direction.

"where" is never the right question. we can start anywhere. today. right now. right here.

the real question is what we're willing to trade.

will i trade in my bad-but-feels-good habit in return for something that will suck at first, but will change my life for the better?

will i trade in my precious free time for a deep exploration of what i really care about?

will i trade in my comfortable status quo in return for a courageous leap into the unknown?

show me the appreciation

remember to show appreciation. genuine appreciation. it's as, or more, important that seeking support in the first place. that's the thing that continues the relationship beyond the hit-and-run.

if someone expended their effort, their resources to go out of their way to help me and support my causes, i sure should devote the time to tell them i appreciated it.

at the very least, hopefully it helps to motivate them to continue to go out of their way to help others.

why bother with anything?

in the simplest terms, because...

- not doing anything means i'll starve and that's not so enjoyable.

- i feel like it, that's all. pleasure-seeking, if you will.

- if i don't do this, bad things will happen. pain-avoidance, if you will.

- doing something, anything, is better than boredom.

which leads us back to the simple question: how to i maximize my sense of well-being over the remainder of my life?

(finding the right question to ask and framing it appropriately, is as difficult as finding the answer)

finish him!

i have all these random ideas for things...

starting things is easy. following through is harder. then i pause. then it gets really hard. the finished goal that seemed like a nice thing seems kind of pointless afterall. then it starts to feel impossible (and pointless). somehow when i myself get to define the end-goal, the closer i get, the fuzzier the picture gets.

am i wasting my time? hasn't this been done before? wouldn't other people do a better job than me? rather, shouldn't i keep doing what i do best, which is... what anyway? let's face it, whatever i can do best, someone out there is better at it than me anyway?

so, finish things. finishing one or two even possibly pointless things is still better than having ten always half-finished things. half-finished things don't do much except to disappoint.

(imagine if liu kang never finished. that would be no point.)

information vs knowledge vs wisdom

for all intensive purposes, i am an information junkie. i am addicted to getting more news, more information, more research. even i may not understand it, anything that pertains to technology, media, astronomy, psychology, religion, i can't quite get enough of.

this presents a problem now that i have access to unlimited information (and limited time and attention). first, i have no idea about its veracity, secondly, even if i only read the as-true-as-humanly-possible ones there would still be unlimited information. people spend their entire lives researching one aspect of these massive subjects.

no matter how much new information that i'm gaining, a decent portion of time must be spent on digestion and integration. otherwise, it's just information. not knowledge.

and knowledge is the thing that makes us a bit wiser. and sometimes, knowledge can even be a bit unsettling at first. after a bit of time and consideration, perhaps then it becomes wisdom, which, eventually, brings us peace of mind.

corpses are tasty

the topic of vegetarianism is so complicated i've avoided it as long as possible. but at some point, as i'm nearing the end of the year, the hard topics need to be tackled. one of the more useful online debates here.

in some ways, it's simple. if we believe that killing is bad, violence is bad, especially to creatures that have nervous systems, then eating meat is not so good. if we had to kill the animals for every piece of meat we had, we probably wouldn't eat so much of it. of course our ancestors hunted and killed to survive - in fact, research shows that the reason our brains have evolved to be so large, could be due to the excess calories in these dead animals that could sustain our brain, this very energy intensive organ.

so isn't eating animals just a natural cycle of life? it depends if we are viewing it from a life-sustaining perspective or a life-enjoying perspective. we (referring to most of us in the developed world at least) are eating dead animals because their corpses taste good, not because we need them to survive. the traditional cycle of life was to survive and have offspring - now we're doing things way beyond what's necessary for survival, but we still refer to eating animals as "natural"? it was natural, no doubt. today? for one, most of the processed food is far from natural. necessary? no, at least not to the current extent.

all the ethical, environmental and spiritual matters aside, there are probably two main issues that got me on the road to becoming an aspiring vegetarian. (for my own personal reference, i'm having meat every 2 months or so).

the first issue is the nature of consciousness, and how different i am from an animal. am i at the top of the pyramid or am i in a entirely different universe? does the animal on my plate have (or had) consciousness, did it fear death, did it endure pain? after poring over books exploring artificial intelligence, recursive neurons, i am now of the view that consciousness is simply an emergent phenomenon. more neurons, more loops, more consciousness. so yes, a cow has rudimentary consciousness. it feels pain. it fears death.

the second issue is how much i value my enjoyment at the expense of others. this is different from being compassionate - that's way too grand and not appropriate for me. in short, i like to enjoy myself, but does it take away from others' enjoyment? if i make more money than someone else, he might make less as a result, but it's not exactly a zero-sum game and they're too many factors that come into play. it's not a black-and-white conclusion that i have directly been involved in taking away his things. so, i don't feel so bad. in the case of animals, now that i know they feel the things we do, albeit in a different and dulled way, taking their lives for my own personal enjoyment (or convenience) feels pretty direct.

do i feel that eating animals is wrong? honestly, i do not feel the pangs of conscience that some of my other more kindly friends feel. rather than feeling it's wrong, i know it's wrong. when i see a slab of bbq pork, i think about how tasty it is first, and then i think about the pig, and then i remember it might not be so good to enjoy the dead pig. so in my strange case, rational reasoning is how i got here.

years later, when i look back, i wonder, will i see this as a brief period of idealism when i tried to put interests of others above myself? or, is this just the start of a long, bumpy journey?

focus on the craft

that bright shiny new tool always looks better than what we have, until the even brighter and shinier tool comes along.

some nicer tools are no doubt helpful. but not that helpful. we seem to forget there are people out there making a living out of making us want to buy these things. they'll profess that we're the most important and we're always right, but i would not say they're exactly on our side.

and look at the true masters - their tools, in whichever profession, are usually pretty basic.

when in doubt, focus on the craft.

the nature of meaning

to continue to beat this meaning horse to death...

meaning for different people are obviously really different. some people like to save dolphins, others like to build orphanages. some devote their lives to creating change in the public eye, others prefer to retreat into a cave to meditate for the rest of their lives.

so is leading a meaningful life a physiological reaction that makes us feel warm and fuzzy? and why do people seek meaning in the first place? (we generally don't, there are too many things to do and too many distractions). but, we generally assume we're here for a reason. just because i can't understand it this moment doesn't mean my life is meaningless. plenty of people depend on me, and i depend on a lot of people. isn't that meaning enough already?

but is there a greater meaning, a macro-level meaning, beyond the day-to-day that i need to get up to go to work so i can finish that project so i can get my salary so i can eat so i can feed my family so i can pay rent so i won't starve so i won't die. not yet at least, since i have all these other things i need to do. sure, none of that matters after i die, but since i'm not dead, i still need to get up to go to work.

is there an ultimate reason for my existence? if it doesn't impact my daily life, why am i still looking for it?

alternatively, could we exist happily knowing our lives are devoid of what i regard as meaning? get that warm fuzzy feeling, while realizing life's inherent meaninglessness, freed from the bondage of having to search for meaning? can this trickle down to the feeling of freedom on a day-to-day basis?

how do i gel the deep contradiction of knowing there is no true freedom and yet that is supposed to set us truly free?

the paradox of possibilities

today's technology, advertisements, and news headlines lead to one important conclusion - the world is full of infinite possibilities.

ironically, no matter how many more possibilities i will read and hear about, some limits haven't changed - the number of years i have left, the hours i have in a day, the number of things i can do. the denominator is ever increasing, but the numerator stays the same.

choice is empowering, because it is a luxury and i can write my own destiny. i can decide what seeds to sow and what fruits to harvest.

and choice is agonizing, because, in relation to the ever-expanding universe of possibilities, the limits of what i can do become painfully obvious. at the moment of decision, the consequences can never be foreseen. and i don't know if a storm will wipe out the entire crop.

which is why, it is weirdly comforting to remember that actual control over things is an illusion at best.

how do i find direction in life?

the key is still to find ourselves, however which way we see this "self" of ours.

yes, there's the usual finding our passion, finding what we're good at, finding god.

but even before all that - we need to strip things out. what happens when we have nothing to lean on? all the things i'm proud of, all the sources of my ego, all the things i love, what happens when they're gone? (and lest we forget, they will all be gone, it's just a matter of time).

the more we strip away, even through thought experiments, the closer we might get to the essence of our being. people call it the void, core love, spiritual heart, it doesn't matter.

what we're looking for, is just the barest of what we deem as existence. all things originate from there. all sorts of directions in life are several levels above this barest level.

we have to take a good, honest look at this - this thing i call "i", without all the extra stuff around it.

only then, can our directions start to make any sense.

the holy shit moment

online definition of holy shit: an exclamation of surprise or disbelief, usually occurring when shocked or awed at something extremely amazing.

i'm still grasping the edges of what it means to be spiritual, feel spiritual, get in touch with our inner spirit, be absorbed into the greater human spirit.

the closest i get to these moments are ones when i feel a combination of awe, smallness, connection to something larger, and in short, a moment when i can't help by exclaim "holy shit!" and a host of other swear words. with all due respect to relevant deities.

i feel it when i see extreme beauty in nature, watch a film that seems to reverberate with my being, witness an inspirational act of incredible courage. i also feel it in the middle of deep meditation.

in these times, there's no other word to describe the sensation, other than, "holy shit!". i could say i'm inspired, i'm moved, but the truth is i feel there is some true reality i have managed catch a glimpse of. something that transcends, that is greater than myself.

and i wonder, if this is the so-called brief touch with the real truth, the inner void, the higher self, the cosmic consciousness, the supreme divinity, or whatever people call it? or is it just some random physiological reaction?

everyone's life is cooler than mine

sometimes i think the world i inhabit is composed of neverending movie trailers. everyone's most exciting moments are on full display. every moment, someone else is doing something way more exciting than what i'm doing.

i seem to have forgotten that the people who are doing the really cool things, they aren't sitting around and reading what cool things other people are doing. they're too busy making things happen. silently, consistently, one step by one step.

(now, not that being cool should matter at all, but that's another matter for another day)

i'm right, you're wrong

in conflicts and disagreements, the need to be right, even when i don't say it, is probably one of my biggest sources of frustration.

it sometimes even gets to a point that it no longer matters if i'm actually right or wrong. i just need to feel that i am right, my entire life and sanity depends on it and it becomes my singular focus.

the only way out of this mess is to remember there is no true i. the larger the i, the deeper hole i dig myself into, regardless of the outcome. the smaller the i, the less important the rightness or wrongness of the whole matter is.

wisdom of my teachers

sometimes, i forget, my teachers in life are also human.

they too went through their dark times, whatever those may be, to get to where they are now. and they can now guide me not because they were born teachers, but because of what they have gone through.

most of the time, i take for granted that they had somehow mysteriously and automatically acquired this knowledge and wisdom.

life chasms might perhaps be seen as gym exercises and building blocks for that intangible thing - the thing we can never quite put our finger on, and yet we're certain to somehow exist.

there is no point

there is no point trying to improve sometimes, when the goal post is so far.

yes, i know, we are supposed to progress step-by-step, over the course of many lives, to slowly reach nirvana.

maybe there really is no point.

all i can do really, is calm myself down, and upon realizing that it really doesn't matter, move forward and do some routine things that will hopefully make me feel a tad better.

no, the hard things that take immense mental energy aren't going to go away. but unless i truly calm myself down, those things will take ten times that mental energy.

so calm down. or do something that calms me down.

nature of advice

advice is a weird thing. i usually get lots when i don't need it, but when i am actually seeking some, it's nowhere to be found. or it seems that no one truly understands my dilemma and hence whatever advice i hear seems to be something i've already thought about.

but am i really asking for advice, or am i shopping for agreement, looking for encouragement with whatever it is i have already decided on?

something to bear in mind when i'm attempting to give other people advice.

beyond

beyond a certain level, there are no more right or wrong answers.

there's a simple path to be walked, deep truth to be experienced, and an inner self to be realized.

pies for everyone

simplifying our community into a whole bunch of pies, am i -

- eating more than i need?

- still thinking of how i can get and save up more pies, in case of the rainy day, even though it's already raining like hell elsewhere already?

- reprocessing and repackaging the pies, reselling at better prices? hey, if people are buying it, that's all it counts?

- growing food so there can be more pies?

- thinking of how to bake a better pie?

- better distributing pies so less goes to waste, and somehow getting those extra pies to people who don't have any?

- somehow getting pie over-eaters to consider being pie-builders instead?

- somehow helping to build an infrastructure that gives more people a chance to at least have some pie?

defining labels

when does a person who does yoga become a yogi?

when does a person who runs become a runner?

when does a person who writes become a writer?

when does a person who teaches become a teacher?

when do we define our labels and our professions, and when do they define us?

the inevitable avalanche

by now, i have reasonably good evidence that every time i finish something that could be considered some sort of achievement, not very good things happen.

once the nice, clear-cut goal is done, what replaces it instead is the massive avalanche of all the other things i've been putting off. everything has suddenly become the top priority, all at the same time. afterall, i've been putting them off, and now it's finally a good time to deal with them, right? there are simply no more excuses. but which one? how is it possible that there are so many things to do now, all of utmost urgency?

the point is, i shouldn't have procrastinated in the first place. especially now i know for a fact that things almost always go bad after these "achievements". there's probably a 24-hour window, at best 48 hours, and that's that. nothing to see here, let's move on.

so, what to do with myself after these "things".

- don't be paralyzed. first, do the things i had previously promised others to do. they have probably been waiting for a heck of a long time already.

- secondly, remember to be grateful to all those people who supported me in this thing, whatever it is.

- thirdly, self-development takes a backseat here. make sure my livelihood is still in place, or at least, sort it out asap. no money, no talk.

- and yes, remember not to procrastinate in the first place. things that need to be done have to be done.

fatigue and entertainment

i'm always wondering when people will get really tired of the constant noise of "sponsor me!" "help me on this worthy cause!" "i'm doing good, support me and you will feel good too!". there really is only so much noise people can take before they start tuning out, and then i've lost them for good.

perhaps one way to sustain interest is via entertainment. those little quick 15 second hits that people like, and less the long form ones, even though arguably the latter ones are much more important. but in this day and age, people simply prefer to spend an hour staring at their facebook feeds rather than reading a good book. there are certainly some interesting articles being shared, but it's not exactly the focus.

so maybe, there is a more intimate link between these things and entertainment afterall.

consistency

doing new, exciting, difficult things are not too bad the first couple of times.

consistency, if it matters that is, is always the truly hard part.

and with that, comes a deeper understanding that somehow emerges.

the starting line

at the starting line of a hundred kilometers, there's no way to know for sure that i will finish.

thankfully, there's still the practice from before, and the mind (and minds) there for support.

or, more simply, the knowledge that i'll be ok, somehow.

crossing paths

i always find it amazing how our paths cross given the uncountable possibilities. on one hand, if you throw six billion entities on a planet, of course their paths are going to cross. on the other, i have become what i am because of all these encounters. i can still feel some of the footprints of these encounters, even though some of the actual memories of who and where have long faded...

making us look bad

evil is no good, but too good is a problem too. it is kind of an interesting state of things that being "too good" can backfire.

not that it's an problem for me any time soon, but it's worth keeping in mind that some apparently reasonable level of goodness may be easiest to swallow for most.

explanations are futile

i always struggle how much i should explain things to people. the issue is not even that i'm right or wrong, it's just that sometimes things get a bit technical or a bit "out there" and a lot of people start tuning out.

perhaps, certain explanations are better done via actual actions.

two things

if things get overwhelming, perhaps try narrowing down to two things.

one, to get myself in decent enough shape, be it money or health.

two, to do something for others, with little or none regard to the former.

if it's too confusing to choose within these two large categories, just pick any, and it doesn't matter what it is. as long it's in that direction.

quality from quantity

it turns out, with regard to neurons, which are no different in humans or in flies, "with enough quantity, you generate quality".

which is also a brute-force way to do things. we could also give it a nicer name, e.g. constant practice. it's not pretty, but it still works, much more times than we think it might.

mind trick

sometimes, i fret whether all the different practices are just all a trick of the mind, and someday, i'll wake up and see the cold, desolate truth.

strangely, the ultimate trick is to realize it really is empty.

this is definitely one weird trick of the mind.

how good or how evil are they?

when we see other people selling their souls for money, fame, or otherwise, we might just be too quick to judge, without knowing their true intent.

when we see other people extolling virtues and selflessness, we might just be too quick to judge, without knowing their whole story.

time can usually tell. people are rarely as good or as evil as we think they might be.

but the key point isn't even how good or how evil they are. the key point is whether we're learning from their good points, whether it's 1% of them or 99% of them. not to mention there's lots to learn from their less-than-good points, as more often then not, it's just a mirror to us.

too far, too close

if i stand too close, it's hard to see the big picture and how it fits altogether.

if i stand too far, it's hard to see the critical details.

the challenge is to examine things from close and far perspectives. (and also, to remember the nature of the act of observing.)

spirituality and wisdom

a slightly different way of phrasing my high school's motto of "goodness and knowledge" - is "spirituality and wisdom".

spirituality, for whatever reason, has always made me cringe a little. to some extent, the same for goodness. maybe it really is an age thing, though what confuses me sometimes is the teenagers who want to save the world are often the same ones who think being a bad ass is cool.

spirituality perhaps is simply realizing there is something greater out there, something we can't quite put a finger on. it might be god, it might be the four forces, it might be energy (real or imagined). it's that intimate yet awesome feeling that we are part of something larger, larger than our communities, larger than mankind.

spiritualism without wisdom is blind belief. wisdom without spiritualism? perhaps i just haven't walked far enough?

abundance

my teacher is making this quite a bit easier.

abundance does not have to be a bad thing - it allows us to share things that we otherwise could not share.

over-abundance is another matter, when we are have possessions that are multiples of multiples of what others have.

perceptibility

an economist article, commenting on discreet changes in financial regulations, remarked that "the subtle gravitational influence of the moon is imperceptible to humans yet is able to move oceans".

on a day-to-day basis, the larger forces of the cosmos are imperceptible, yet it doesn't mean they don't exist. but, what about spiritual energies, do they exist? or are they simply creations of mankind's imaginative mind?

in some ways, my perception is my reality anyway? as quantum physics tells us, the observer and the system being observed are linked, and objective perception is an illusion?

the things we realize

my teacher today shared with us, that he can only teach things he has realized, not things he believes.

the things we realize - are the ones that we learn from the long slog of life, uncountable mistakes and dead-ends, and deep self-reflection.

much as i might try to read things from books, learn from other people's experiences, i have to do the work, to walk my own path of realization.

it's a lonely path at times, but the further along i walk, the more i realize that there have been many people in my life who have come and gone, and who have generously given directions as to where i should tread. only that i had never noticed before.

types of dreams

too often, in the course of our lives, we witness the slow death of our dreams and the agonizing drone of reality. my dreams are wild and various, but the pains of reality remain much the same.

there's the kind of dream where i spend the rest of my life on a beach, and there's the kind i'm able to do something that's actually something.

as time goes by, we seem to only remember the first type of dreams.

far as the idealistic kind of dreams might be removed from reality, once in a while, something comes up to remind me that the pursuit, regardless of the outcome, is still worthwhile.

things that come in drips

fitness

knowledge

savings

relationships

authenticity

credibility

the list could go on, and, i should include the opposite of all those things as well. isn't that everything in life though?

it's impossible to work on all these things at the same time - but which way am i dripping today?

a hundred things

i think i must have a hundred things to do, and a hundred different ways to do each thing.

too often, i gravitate to the things that require the least mental energy. like the tiny electron seeking the lowest energy band, is there some equivalent psychological law out there that states that over the long run, we seem to seek laziness, if we can? i hope not.

funny, i don't believe focusing and thinking hard really burns that many calories. yet, it seems to be harder than anything else in the world sometimes.

較簡單的問題

阿輝概嘆窮的問題比較簡單，有錢的問題太復雜。

也許，如果有多個錢的話，就不用擔心太復雜的問題，反而擔心一下別人比較簡單的問題？

mental strength

really is almost everything.

ok, luck is much more important. but we can't control it.

but mental strength is really the only thing, that we might be successful in convincing ourselves that we have control over.

freedom of possessions

usually, the older we get, the more possessions we gain, the less freedom we have.

shouldn't it be the other way?

that we realize the less possessions we need, and the more freedom we feel?

of course i will still have responsibilities to my family and close ones. those responsibilities are here to stay regardless.

but what about those things that i somehow desire? do they increase or decrease my feelings of freedom - might that be a better judge of its usefulness?

why do i still go on?

sometimes my friends think i enjoy running, i enjoy yoga, and various sorts of masochistic physical activities. sure, i do sometimes. but a lot of times, more often than not, i have to drag myself there. five minutes into the practice or training, i'd like to quit. i'm wondering why i still go on.

a little voice in my head tells me, the marginal benefit of this one practice is not going to make a difference in the long run. another one tells me that nothing i do is really controlled by me, so it's quite ok to succumb to the temptation to be lazy. it's not really my fault.

since rarely can i simply enjoy the process for the process, i can only come up with random mental tricks to drown out the thoughts i'd like to be rid of.

drip, drip, drip. there are somethings where shortcuts are available, and somethings where there are no shortcuts. there is no shortcut for getting a sub-4 hour marathon and the full splits.

it gets better. the beginning is always the worst. keep going. what i do on those bleary days of pure lethargy, turns out to be 10x more important and effective as our "good days".

more pain now, less pain later.

there's no time. no time to consider and reflect "why". the problem at hand is "how". to get through this thing, somehow.

seven questions

assuming for a moment, that at some point in future, i have no immediate concerns for food and accommodation...

what truly matters?

am i seeking the knowledge to find out what truly matters?

have i gone through my own vetting process, pushing my own arguments to the limits, to see if i can be convinced if these things matter? (and to stop myself from looping into an existential abyss)

so, am i doing something that matters?

practically speaking, is this sustainable at the moment?

if it's possibly not, what am i doing to improve its odds?

if i am doing something that matters, am i ensuring that my ego does not get in the way?

what do you want to do?

the more appropriate question for myself is, what is it that i would like to do, at the expense of the myriad of other things that i could do?

bets have to be placed. there will be things that get sacrificed.

as they say, we might be able to do anything in life, but definitely not everything in life.

giving vs thinking

this article reminded me that: "giving is easy. thinking can be a lot harder."

giving doesn't require me to think much - there's a crisis, i react to it. i make a nice donation, conscience problem solved. doesn't take much effort.

thinking is exhausting. might not get anywhere. opened up to criticism. that's why other people are doing it.

just like that, the distribution and efficiency problem gets swept under the table...

back to earth

those painful, tedious things that will simply not go away, no matter what the future holds, no matter if i get enlightened, no matter if i win the lottery?

those to-dos that will still be there after i've cleared my mailbox, reorganized my room, thrown away tons of useless crap?

it's time to do them.

trailwalker 2010

another year, another trailwalker, another 100km of blisters and cramps!

(oh yes, and another birthday today too. yet another year older, but not wiser)

in light of this fact, i decided to look around for stuff relating to oxfam trailwalker's efforts against poverty. so, i came across a statistic that 22,000 kids die every day from poverty and hunger, far removed from the attention of the world. and frankly, in today's world of desensitizing stats, even this no longer seems to be eye-catching news.

but using my trusty excel spreadsheet, i quickly calculated that out of these 22,000 kids, assuming things average out, 60 of these kids are having their birthdays today too, just like me.

i paused, for once. i mean, it's their birthday today!!

but these kids are dying... on their birthdays.

****

the world poverty problem is not going to be easily solved. there's not even a way to find out who these 60 kids are. but still, the trailwalker, once a year, allows me a little time to think about the good fortune i'm enjoying.

i do hope you will support oxfam's efforts to reduce poverty around the world by sponsoring our team!

a big THANK YOU in advance!

purity of intention

for almost anything i do, i can't help myself considering my various ulterior intentions. i wonder what i will personally gain from it. will this help me land a better job in future? will this make me a cooler person? will i have a better next-life?

the truly authentic people out there, how do they manage to do things simply for the sake of doing? where does their pure, unadulterated intention come from?

i think at my current stage, for the things i wish to really be selfless about, the only thing i can do is to make it as hard as possible for myself to gain anything, to be as anonymous as possible. to hopefully at least make my intentions a little less murky.

why would anyone read this?

if this was written by someone random, would i personally read it?

probably not.

i can't imagine being interested in someone's random and inconclusive musings on random topics. i definitely don't need anyone tell me what to think, what to question, how to be happy, how to be a good person. i know already. i don't have the time to do it, but i certainly could if i wanted to.

there are enough idealistic, self-righteous and wannabe spiritualists around. good job. thanks, but no thanks. i live in the real world. it sure isn't an illusion to me.

for all my intentions of summarizing this in a more readable format to possibly share with more people, it doesn't matter, since i, like all people, only read what i like to read. even attempting to imagine myself as some third person audience is bordering on impossible, since i, as an objective observer, just probably wouldn't be interested.

what if i lost my memory and had to re-start my life? at whatever age i woke up at, can i re-read my blog (or the to-be-created summarized version), knowing that in some distant past, i had written it as truthfully as i could to myself?

in the hope that this no-memory me might tread through life with a little less pain and suffering?

probable destiny

if quantum physics are to be referenced, our lives are probably governed by probabilities rather than absolutes. i know where i'll end (as dust), how i get there is difficult to say. or perhaps impossible, even by the machine will be able to reproduce every atom.

yet, knowledge about the inherent probabilities, crude as they maybe, changes the pathways too.

so can i change my destiny?

or, rather, is the appropriate question, can i change the probabilities of my destiny by learning more about the probabilities themselves?

this time it's different

the cycles never cease, but my memories of them fade away.

analysis vs impulse

what do i regret more: things that go bad after careful thought, or on pure impulse?

what do i enjoy more: things that go right after careful thought, or on pure impulse?

after careful analysis, i should be able come up with a number of bad scenarios, and hence lessen the negative emotional impact when things go south. but since i can somewhat expect things (and they might appear to be more under my control), both the level of regret and enjoyment would seem to be on a smaller scale.

consequences of impulse seem to feel either damn good or damn bad.

of course, not that we can ever tell how things will go. when things go bad, i could have, would have, and should have.

the answer grid

i think, to any tough question, there are a few types of answers.

e.g., how do you find meaning in life?

short level 1 - they exhort me to take a certain attitude/action and i will figure it out through this attitude/action. e.g., meaning comes from compassion.

short level 2 - they sound really deep, or simple, or useless, all at once. when i locate my true self, i will locate my purpose and meaning in life.

short level 3 - they might sound depressing but they're actually true. e.g. meaning is an illusion. deal with it.

long level 1 - an extended list of stories and things to do at the practical level. the emphasis is on action, and less so on too much thinking.

long level 2 - an exploration of the myriad of possibilities, the number of paths, loops, dead-ends might even become overwhelming. this is the great fog before next level. so easy to get lost here.

long level 3 - the answers are in some ways unexplainable via words, and the only way is to "feel" the answers. we need all these little stories and analogies to indirectly remind ourselves, or perhaps, to create an illusion on top of an illusion.

and of course, we don't get to choose which level we're at. i go up sometimes, i crash down a lot of times.

change really is hard

even on a practical level, the real change is knowledge and wisdom. i can only change what people know, not what people do.

even when i know, i might not do.

and on top, i often forget what i already knew.