天下有兩難

天下有兩難：登天難，求人更難；
天下有兩苦：黃連苦，貧窮更苦；
世間有兩險：山高險，人心更險；
世間有兩薄：春冰薄，人情更薄。
知其難、守其苦、測其險、忍其薄，則可以處世矣。

newton's third law

as frequently quoted by my ex-boss, simply put, for every action, there is a reaction. cause and effect. now, whether this extends to past lives and future reincarnations, that part is probably more faith than anything else, but over the course of our lives, it becomes fairly obvious that it has to be true. the effect is sometimes unforeseen, unexpected, but, it always has a cause. sometimes it's a fortuitous coincidence, other times it's murphy's law.

the only way to deal with this is to try to steer the odds in our favor, at least the miniscule part that we appear to have some control over, namely anything that relates to 1) how we interact with our environment and the people we come across; and 2) our willpower to do things that in spite of the environment that we are in, or, in spite of ourselves. all else really we don't even have any semblance of control.

and this also applies to whether people will realize it. if they wonder, of course we share. if they simply do not believe it exists, we listen and we watch, silently, and compassionately if we can.

the top x%

so, every day, i worry about this, i worry about that. i worry whether i'm making the right decisions, i wonder whether things will turn out ok. i wonder if i'm maximizing, i wonder why so many people are so ahead of me, in every part of my life. 

yes, of course things will turn out perfectly as they were supposed to, we already established that earlier. 

and seriously, i already am at the top x% of the world's population. and i mean, what right do i have to worry so much about my trivial problems? when there are truly massive issues out there? 

limits

there really is not enough time to do everything. there isn't. the skills i wish i had time to be great at: spoken chinese, written chinese, ultramarathons, yoga. the relationships with family, friends, acquaintances. new books, new science. ancient books, ancient wisdom. oh, and also figure out my finances and invest wisely so i actually will have time to do all this stuff at a later stage. 

so, yes, time. 

there will never be enough time to do everything i set out to do. no matter what age i will be, be it 10 years from now, or 10 years ago, i never had enough time. 

just, try, to do more of the things that i would say, i wish i had the willpower to start 10 years ago. 

always

anything worth doing is always painful. 

always.

and it's about how much pain and boredom i can endure. and it's about getting started - to stick myself right into the pain and boredom. even though i know it will suck real bad. or in fact, particularly because i know it will suck real bad. 

it's only worth doing because not everyone is willing to throw themselves into situations that will suck real bad. not probably, but definitely.

the trick is to think not about the pain, but something simple, like how nice it would feel after the pain. 

that's all really - just when it's just simply too unbearable, forget everything else for a moment. just focus on the result to get kickstarted. 

then, just let the pain run its usual course. 

between a rock and a hard place

sometimes life is simply just like that. option A is terrible. option B is horrible. and sorry, there are no other options. i can analyze the hell out of it, trying to figure out which is more terrible or horrible, which one is more long term or short term, which one will most likely cause me too much pain, cause others too much pain, but in the end, i know for certain it won't turn out OK. whatever decision that i take, it will grind me down, chew me up, and spit me back out such that i probably cannot function normally for a while.

yes, even if that decision is supposed to be the "right" one, and of course whether it's right or not depends completely on perspective.

it is simply not fun.

interestingly, sometimes option A did not seem too terrible until option B came about. we are remarkably good about getting used to things. so, ironically, choices do have the ability to make things worse, or at least, shed light on why the original option A was not so great. and subsequently cause the usual indecision painful process etc.

this really does happen. in all areas of life. in all walks of life. in all stages of life.

i guess, i'd just better really get used to that life truly, truly is suffering. anything else really is a bonus already.

opportunities are a strange thing

which risks and opportunities am i supposed to just take on, and say, screw it, i'm doing this, to hell with whatever others say?

and which ones should i just walk away, knowing that i will probably still wonder "what if" for possibly the longest time?

yes, i know i'm supposed to focus on the present - and just forget about the alternatives. a decision is a decision.

i don't know.

唯有咬實牙根. and wait and observe things and life that will inevitably change, for better or worse.

even longer than an ultra

it always seems like i have so much to do, so much to learn, so much i'm supposed to be accomplishing. the "success" stories never really stopped to smell the flowers. meanwhile i'm just kinda hopping around here and there.

am i just flip-flopping too much, or am i really gaining an incredible breadth of experience?

all these people are ahead of me. all these people are doing things i wish i had been doing.

all these people haven't run a 100km, they haven't been to kailash either.

i do forget life really is longer than the longest ultra. and i really was never meant to win any ultras. keep healthy, keep learning, keep meditating. try to enjoy the run.

may 1

so i've had now about three weeks here - enough to calm down a little bit, and start to realize this is not just a particularly long business trip. 

it really kinda sucks and i really miss home. 

to be sure, things really have been exceptionally nice here, and i couldn't have asked for a smoother transition. 

the truth is i really am a creature of habit, and having my comfort zone torn away (almost a cruel joke i'm playing on myself), just bothers something me deeply. sure, externally, i will look ok, i will sound ok... but i really have had a piece of myself ripped off. of course we are simply talking just a relocation here, and i also realize it really is not a drastic change. plenty of people go through plenty worse. and i am sure i will have plenty worse to go through in my life. 

but at this point in time, generally, to put it simply, it just feels like crap. the one thing i pride myself on, communicating well, has been ripped away from me. it renders me ineffective, unconfident, and slow. i don't know what to say, i don't know how to react, and i can't understand half the stuff that's going on. and i don't have any familiar comfort zone to retreat into. it simply seems like i'm exposed everywhere and i can't escape. 

in a way, i guess it is a crutch, and i'd rely on my language skills to get through. now it's gone - well, there's only one way, that is to build it. 

the truth is, i find it a lot harder now to build. maybe, i have lost a bit of willpower with age. maybe, i hate letting people see me work hard, and the fact that i can't truly be alone to work at it affects me. these are still kind of stupid excuses at the end of the day. 

so on one hand, work on your language. as always, i never was the smartest one but i could work the hardest. 

and on the other hand, just deal with the fact your life will kinda suck for a while. 

and lastly, just remember to keep up the hardest practice of it all - kindness. 

starting over

sometimes, i wonder what it would be like to start my life over.

then, i wonder if i could at least start my last 10 years over. ok, how about just my last 5 years?

ok, maybe i really should be thinking what the heck i should be doing now, so i won't be thinking the exact same thing five years, ten years hence.

for one, keeping this daily practice is probably not a bad thing to restart.

when all else fails, and my mind is blank, angry, confused, just try not to do bad things, and do something that's kind.

sometimes, it is just damn hard to do the right thing

sometimes, or many times, what the "right" thing is really subject to a ton of debate. and it doesn't help when the possibly not "right" thing or thing in that grey area can lead to a bit of personal gain, and not at anyone's expense. i just have to come to terms with the fact that i still should try to do what appears to be right. despite sometimes it's obvious stupidity to everyone, including myself.