this time it's different

the cycles never cease, but my memories of them fade away.

analysis vs impulse

what do i regret more: things that go bad after careful thought, or on pure impulse?

what do i enjoy more: things that go right after careful thought, or on pure impulse?

after careful analysis, i should be able come up with a number of bad scenarios, and hence lessen the negative emotional impact when things go south. but since i can somewhat expect things (and they might appear to be more under my control), both the level of regret and enjoyment would seem to be on a smaller scale.

consequences of impulse seem to feel either damn good or damn bad.

of course, not that we can ever tell how things will go. when things go bad, i could have, would have, and should have.

the answer grid

i think, to any tough question, there are a few types of answers.

e.g., how do you find meaning in life?

short level 1 - they exhort me to take a certain attitude/action and i will figure it out through this attitude/action. e.g., meaning comes from compassion.

short level 2 - they sound really deep, or simple, or useless, all at once. when i locate my true self, i will locate my purpose and meaning in life.

short level 3 - they might sound depressing but they're actually true. e.g. meaning is an illusion. deal with it.

long level 1 - an extended list of stories and things to do at the practical level. the emphasis is on action, and less so on too much thinking.

long level 2 - an exploration of the myriad of possibilities, the number of paths, loops, dead-ends might even become overwhelming. this is the great fog before next level. so easy to get lost here.

long level 3 - the answers are in some ways unexplainable via words, and the only way is to "feel" the answers. we need all these little stories and analogies to indirectly remind ourselves, or perhaps, to create an illusion on top of an illusion.

and of course, we don't get to choose which level we're at. i go up sometimes, i crash down a lot of times.

change really is hard

even on a practical level, the real change is knowledge and wisdom. i can only change what people know, not what people do.

even when i know, i might not do.

and on top, i often forget what i already knew.

those small things

those small things for me, at least. for now. and don't know why either, it just kind of happened via this overall process. and subject to change or regress any time, as i often find out.

- life seems more colorful, more vivid.

- bad emotions seem to go away a lot quicker than before.

- fear is becoming a rare emotion.

- i don't know if i'm happier, but that doesn't bother me much anymore.

- a little less affected by things i can't control.

- a little better at being grateful for the things i appear to control.

one of the harder things to do now is continuing to believe in my own willpower. which i know is extremely useful, yet, getting chipped away by all this realization. fortunately, it can be nicely replaced by fearlessness. of course, i still have to be careful, and i need to somehow trick myself about somethings to fear and somethings not to fear.

is it obvious?

isn't it obvious? that our reality is a particular illusion perceived by us? and we have no clue what the underlying reality is, except it's definitely not this one?

is it already obvious to everyone, but since we can't do anything about it, we just revert to our usual lives? shouldn't some small things change, at the very least?

maybe the illusion is obvious only when i think about it. otherwise, i will simply forget. the illusion is too strong and too comfortable most of the time. and it is important to remember, since knowing it offers a bit more peace of mind than not knowing it.

which is why i still need to somehow draw up a map for myself, so i can remember the path through this mind mess i have been wading through.

it's all been done before

of course.

it's just that i haven't done it yet.

the future me is different

because i will have become rich, i can do the things i really want to do.

because i will have bought this nice shirt/gadget/apartment, i will enjoy every day more.

because i will have finished this blog, i will be a reasonably good and happy person.

because i will be dead, i won't be much concerned with anything at all.

the trick, of course, is to self-generate the delusion, referencing the appropriate time-frame, that is just good enough so i can get through my present.

meaning of meaning?

a lot of times, i seem to be drowning in a maelstrom of contradictions. i seem to have thought so much about things, but am no closer, and perhaps only realize how far i am. there doesn't seem to be a good way to even coherently outline what i have learned about the big questions.

meaning, in a way, is very human issue. why? but why ask? because, there's something i thought of, and i don't know the answer to. there's a gap in my knowledge, and i won't be comfortable until i find out.

discovering meaning, perhaps, is a tool for us to feel good. our search for meaning (general or specific) is involuntary, coded in our genes. it goes away sometimes, but if we're not satisfied with the answer, it always comes back.

finding meaning, in the specific sense, is something we are familiar with. we want to know why the sun rises in the east, we locate the explanation, then we get the "aha" feeling of understanding the issue, the puzzle. we now know - an emotional response we know so intimately.

finding meaning, in the general sense, is considerably more difficult. it simply does not come in a nicely-wrapped package. the deeper we dig, the more confusion and emptiness we find. one man's meaningful life could be another's wasted one. and unlike questions of sunrise, there is no philosophical agreement out there on the meaning of life.

what i forget, is that finding meaning is an emotional desire, and what we wish for is the "aha". but it is an emergent sensation, and will never come a single, digestible definition. the real task is to get the conditions to be right, rather than to fall too deep into an intellectual labyrinth.

not enough old ladies who cross the street

everyday kindness is hard. sometimes there don't seem to be that many old ladies crossing the streets anymore.

perhaps, lowering standards by a tad, can i at least, try to make someone, random or otherwise, have an unexpected smile? so, i might be able to have one myself?

paying attention

just now, i was reminded of one small act, meaning nothing to me almost twenty years ago, had somehow stuck in the mind of a friend. fortunately, it was an inadvertent act of kindness, rather than some typical teenage careless insult. i wonder, if blackberries or iphones existed then, and they had been randomly buzzing, whether i would have given the same undivided attention to her plight.

i don't know. but i do know that i'm diseased with short attention spans, multi-tasking tendencies, and an unsatiable approval-seeking ego (truly a sad state of things when they seem to somehow come in the form of likes and comments).

but i do need to pay attention. not just cursory politeness. not only to close friends and family, but to every person that i interact with, and as much as possible. despite the deluge of everything in our lives, genuine care stands out like a beacon. when we really listen, we understand things we may not otherwise understand. it is different, and people will be better for it, whether we know it now or later.

as said by one of my favorite teachers, "paying attention is enormous. not only does it have a profound effect now, but an enduring effect on a once-upon-a-time teenager who recalls what you did years later."

what for?

so, what is this blog for? what am i for? what is anything for?

almost all people that i know...

get through life fine, without having to ponder whether life has a meaning.

find plenty of joy and happiness in their lives, without having to mull over human nature, freewill and destiny.

are reasonably happy as it is, quickly get over temporary moments of dissatisfaction, without having to determine if we have a higher soul or if we are just an animated jumble of neurons.

sure there's some pain and suffering in the world, but life goes on, and perhaps there's really not as much pain and suffering as i imagine there might be. human beings are remarkably adaptive, after a while, things become ok one way or another.

so why the heck am i devoting this inordinate time towards writing this blog? to stick to this random little goal i set out for myself, to do 365 entries this year?

with ninety-nine entries left to write, am i a slightly better person, as per my initial premise? am i a slightly happier person? am i being ridiculous in trying so hard, going to such extremes? shouldn't it come naturally? just "be" happy? i mean, most of my friends cannot even fathom why i would be interested in such unsolvable philosophical questions. sure, good for you, but i have better things to do.

i'm certainly writing this for myself. yet sometimes, i need to imagine that i'm writing this for someone else out there, just to keep going. but, the moment i feel like i am writing for an audience, i involuntarily close up, changing the nature of my thoughts. i wish it were easier.

maybe, when i approach the limits of my understanding and knowledge (which in theory can be extended, but surely not indefinitely), doubt gets replaced by a certain calmness. (doubt is a luxury of a sort, if we have no time to think, then there's no time to doubt). since i don't have the ability to will away doubt, my solution is to analyze it away. of course uncertainty remains, but perhaps, when i have no doubt that it's uncertain, it's good enough for me.

so, perhaps for now, i have some clue about the nagging "what for?" that sometimes permeates every pore in life. i'm certainly not happy all the time (that would be disturbing), but i'm starting to be better at remembering why i shouldn't be unhappy. re-reading my own words seem weirdly more authoritative (of course, another sign of my still large ego).

so, what is this blog for?

... for its simply stated title.

... for figuring the "what-fors". and a little bit of self-referencing fun.

under- things

for some reason, everyone seems to be under-appreciated, under-respected, under-loved. we try to be unselfish, we try to do all these things for others, but no one seems to care. actually, at best, no one even notices. at worst, people think we're being unnecessary and annoying.

well, at least i feel that way. sometimes. definitely more times than i would care to admit.

of course i'm telling myself that self-respect and self-love (but not to the point of narcissism) is the true point. as usual, i can't control what others think of and feel about me, so i have to work on inner happiness, do the thing that seems most right, and in fact all the more appreciate/respect/love the people around me, etc etc.

perhaps, simply consider it a small test to see how much ego i still have.

autumn

i really am not trying to wax poetic about the changing of the seasons, but every year, since i have been back in hong kong, autumn gives me the strangest of feelings. today, the weather has noticeably cooled, possibly the coolest day since summer.

a good bit of warmth and energy seems to have suddenly evaporated, leaving behind this slightly melancholic calmness. the streets seem more subdued, and i wonder to myself if that one added layer of clothes somehow muffles the noises of the city.

there's the familiar autumnal crispness in the air, tinged with this finality, that summer really is gone. another summer over, and it's not coming back, ever.

inevitably, i get the strange sensation that i have been somehow transported back to my school days, fall in new england. it's not even that particular memories flow back - i just feel like i'm walking down a street in new hampshire, even though hong kong and my little high school town could not be more different.

perhaps, october was the month when i had settled back in the routine of school. when i'm no longer fretting about which classroom to go to, no longer worrying how i'll survive yet another school year. october was when i could leisurely walk across campus, taking in the breezes, the colors, the smells.

or maybe, i have watched too many movies relating winter to darkness and death, and autumn to its foreboding prelude. it might feel nice right now, but very soon, too soon, the cold, dark days are here. and i'm subconsciously morose about things coming to an end. spring is too far away to think about, and winter is right around the corner.

at the same time, autumn signalled the "new" year in my life for so many years, it's possible i still have not gotten over the feeling that autumn's the time when the fun and games and real work starts. we had become more senior students, there were underclassmen to boss around, and there were all these possibilities in the new school year. so maybe, even though summer holidays and school year beginnings no longer exist in my life, the weird mix of anxiety and anticipation remains.

but i really don't know. it's such a strange mixture of sensations i cannot put my finger on it. it's neither a good nor bad feeling, but it comes around every year.

i almost always try to shake off these feelings as soon as they come about, either overthinking them or living in the past is generally not a good thing.

but maybe once in a while, a little reminiscing can be a little enjoyable.

no compromise

when i'm telling myself "no compromise", i'm in effect sacrificing some other thing - perhaps now, perhaps down the road.

from another perspective, i have to give up something else, in order to achieve "no compromise".

to state the obvious, life is almost all compromises and sacrifices.

in a way, those things that we never compromise on, that other people may never comprehend, define how we see ourselves.

procrastination

i know it's bad, everyone know it's bad, but i'm so good at it. i will put off all these things i'm supposed to do until it's too late.

but really, perhaps self-binding is the only real way.

like the piece says, "as the present gets closer, short term considerations overwhelm long term goals". sure, there are sometimes questionable long term goals, but there are plenty of long term goals i simply should stick to, no matter what.

time to stop using malleable long term goals as a procrastination excuse.

mind shit

to answer my own previously posed question is whether i will relapse into despair, discouragement, selfishness, the answer is an unequivocal yes. it's not very difficult as it turns out.

all it takes is a mix of: a general lack of direction, a low sense of self worth, and some things that don't go my way. then i conveniently forget all that i have learned, and even matters that i had spent considerable time writing and mulling about.

i wish there was a magic pill to deal with all these things that simply don't feel good. so i can get out of this mind bog, and get back on with life. such a magic pill is like a lottery ticket. when i get a large bill from out of nowhere, i wish i'd win the lottery so my bill will go away. nope, it's not going to happen. it's coming out of my savings account, and i have better been saving.

well, the same goes for the shit that happens in life. of course it happens. this magic pill/lottery ticket to make all the bad things go away. in fact, i'm not even so greedy as to hope for good things to happen - i just need to be rid of these detrimental emotions. (it's pretty strange and somewhat annoying that i can't simply "will" my confusion away, even though i'm fully cognizant of the fact that the longer i feel confused, the less i can do to address the underlying problem).

all i can do is build up my mental savings account, mind muscle, or whatever analogy that will not sound too corny. put in the mental effort when things are going ok. work on the mind, so when mind shit happens, i might realize, well, it's only mind shit that's happening.

i forget

am i really ready to accept that, i truly have no freewill? i have not done anything myself, by the traditional definitions of "myself"?

that all i have supposedly accomplished and achieved, has nothing to do with my own abilities, willpower or perseverance? these personal traits i am so proud of? well, they do, but fate (or more precisely the structure of the universe and the laws of physics that govern it) determined that i had that certain amount of ability, willpower and perseverance already?

i am but a peculiarly arranged glob in the vastness of space and time, a collection of particles reacting to other random particles, a deterministic-matter that has the curious property of believing it controls its own destiny despite all evidence to the contrary?

again, how does that lead me from a place of utter discouragement to the theoretical place of liberation? didn't i already figure this out?

you don't know what i'm thinking

i am only myself, and no matter how hard i might try, i can never really, truly, understand what another person is thinking and feeling.

isn't it obvious? we each have our unique set of neurons. unless a future machine is able to replicate every atom in our individual brains, of course we are going to be only thinking our own thoughts.

even the virtue of compassion - we're imagining ourselves as others to feel what they might be feeling. we project, assume we understand for practical purposes, but we simply don't know. sometimes, we think we're closer, and suddenly, we find we are as far away as ever.

yet, despite the urge to give up on an unattainable goal, all the scriptures of the world indicate that we should keep trying. we need to see the world from other people's eyes, to cultivate compassion, to empathize.

well, do i really, truly understand what i am thinking and feeling?

(how can i not understand? i am the only person doing my personal thinking and feeling?)

or do i only think i understand? or is there no "understanding" involved, only that i know what i am thinking and feeling? and because only i alone know this, i can thus decide on the best course of action for myself? and who can argue with that?

reclimbing things

it's always frustrating. for whatever reason, there are times when i fall back a few steps, or sometimes many steps, and i try to get back to where i was. in my yoga, in my fitness, in my career, in my relationships.

it was so hard to get to climb to those particular levels already - reclimbing them somehow seem to be all the more impossible, as if i have exhausted my motivation reserves already. it almost seems to be better to devote my energies towards something else.

perhaps, rather, i could be thankful i get to retrace my steps again. perhaps enjoy the scenery a bit more this time. aren't these levels neverending anyway? so why the rush?

best work vs most useful work

what is my best work? what is my most useful work? do i already know deep down that my best work does not equate my most useful work? because of my definition of my "best work"?

so, to look from whose perspective?

my ego?

my bank account?

my family and friends?

the companies i work for, and particular business goals i've achieved for them?

the rare and random person i have offered a hand to?

my higher/inner self, whatever that may be?

the larger world, in this day and age?

the larger world, over the course of a few millenium?

so given my current abilities, what am i best at and what am i most useful at?

so given the universe of possibilities, over the next ten years, would i rather do my best work or my most useful work?

it doesn't get easier, and it hurts just as much

i tend to forget 100km races never get easier. i tend to forget how much the training sucks. i tend to forget even though it's something i've done, each time, it will hurt like hell. to improve on my time, i have to push myself every bit as hard as i did as in my first time.

it doesn't get easier, and it hurts just as much.

the physical pain is here to stay, no doubt. no matter how much faster i get, to improve, i will need to cause myself greater pain.

the only thing standing between perseverance and collapse is our mental strength. so ethereal and insubstantial, yet stronger than any muscle in our body.

the nature of kicking things

it sometimes is necessary to kick my own ass, so i don't have to be kicking myself in future.

random topics

is there a god?

is there fate?

what is the meaning of life?

where am i supposed to go from here?

how do i prioritize my life? what should i focus on?

how do i decide between truly tough choices?

am i supposed to pursue my dreams or should i be realistic? what if i don't have dreams?

how much of myself should i be sacrificing for others? how much sacrifice should others make for me?

why does my life suck?

how do i get some peace of mind?

how much does goodness really matter?

how much is enough?

is there a point to it all?

doorways out of nowhere

for some things, we have a vast array of choices.

for some other things, we don't have a choice.

for still some other things, out of nowhere, choices seem to appear. perhaps, we weren't even aware that choices existed. and perhaps, we have no idea when they'll disappear. but at certain moments in time, certain possibilities, impossible as they had seemed, open up. like a secret doorway unhidden by a nondescript rock in an indiana jones movie, we have no idea where these tunnels will lead us, and at just this moment, they beckon.

these unexpected doorways seem to particularly cause me a bit of angst.

i still won't know which path will lead to the treasure chests, and which one will lead to the den of snakes, or even if the treasure chests exist at all. i simply won't know.

all i can do is to pick a path, then walk it fearlessly.

freewill is an illusion

but there are still consequences.

both good and bad.

short, medium, or long term?

since i don't know when i run out of money, when i lose my job, when i get sick, when i run into a string of general bad luck, and when i die (and the equivalent for family)... how do i plan my life?

is my current trajectory based on thinking that's too short term? too long term? too medium term?

what if i actually knew these things? i.e., how much i needed over the course of my future years? the magnitude of my ups and downs? the time of death? how would i plan things?

doesn't take much to make up some assumptions.

do i still drift through life and see what it brings me? or should i at least pretend that i have a plan (or two)?

or at the very least, contemplate how my short term goals conflict with my long term goals? and realize choices need to be made?

the nature of reminders

my little training hike reminded me just how tough the trailwalker is going to be. burning lungs. helpless legs. screaming kneecaps.

just a quick reminder that mountains really don't give a crap how much i have trained or haven't trained. it doesn't matter that i was busy, doesn't matter that all my excuses are legitimate, the mountain's not going to be giving me feedback. (i don't think).

i wonder why these reminders didn't come a bit earlier, when i was feeling incredibly lazy and just decided things could wait. oh, now i remember. i chose not to remember.

reminders seem to have a habit of reminding us at the inopportune times.

lethargy

i wonder if i can meditate my way out of lethargy.

i.e., i am so lethargic and my mind is so blank, i might as well meditate.

probably not the kind meditation masters would approve of, but, perhaps, it's still a way.

a minority of a minority

most people don't have time as it is already, only a small portion of people actually read.

most people who read don't have time as it is already, a small portion of people reflect on what they've read and digest.

most people who've had the chance to digest don't have time as it is already, an even smaller portion of people actually act on it.

the last step is certainly the most important one - and equally certainly, the least taken one.

unrelatedness

to even have a chance of locating the meaning of life, we have to take a shot of doing some meaningful things.

and, what exactly are those?

to get started, at least, try out the ones that seem to be generally accepted as meaningful. they most probably are completely unrelated to our jobs, and will do nothing for our career advancement.

in fact, the more unrelated, the better. stripped of all possible ulterior motives, meaning, if any, emerges - and we can suddenly see it, bare and alone.

the more i know, the less i know

i don't know enough. i haven't read enough. i haven't digested enough. i don't reflect enough. i didn't take one single philosophy class my entire education career. i don't do most of the good things that good people do. i've never been involuntarily hungry. i've never known poverty. i don't know what it's like to stare at a bottomless pit, and only to see an avalanche of burdens when looking up.

in short, i am painfully aware that i am woefully inadequate to talk about, well, anything at all. there are much smarter, wiser, just generally better people out there. there are better written blogs, articles, books.

i seem to need to constantly remind myself that in trying to be reasonably better, the only worthwhile measuring stick is myself. other people are nice to have, but in the end, it truly does not matter what others think.

can i live with myself?

am i moving towards a place where i can better live with myself?

when i close my eyes for the final time, can my last thought be a sigh of relief?

darkness, revisited

three years ago, i did a night run and decided that i wouldn't be doing any more night runs. to be honest, it scared the shit out of me. things just seemed to be lurking in the ominous shadows and the whole time i was looking over my shoulder to see if someone would run up and stab me in my ass.

last night, starting my run around dusk, and as darkness fell, i suddenly realized running in the dark was almost comforting.

in the darkness, with my vision muted, all i could really do was hear was my own breath and my footsteps. the rare runner along the way was simply another shadow blending into the darkness. and all the while, i could safely jog along without paying attention to anything else, or worry that anyone else was watching me. darkness, this time around, seemed to be almost a place of refuge, though i wasn't quite sure what i could possibly be taking refuge from.

perhaps, after six weeks in places where streetlights are a rarity and darkness is the norm, i finally realized there really is nothing to fear about random dancing shadows.

perhaps, when i fully accept that known things are a rarity and uncertainty is the norm, i will truly realize that there is nothing to fear about the unknown.

usual reality

once in a while, there are places and times, where things seem to be suspended in mid-air.

then, suddenly, i've left and have returned to my usual life, my usual reality.

funny, these times make up such a small portion of our usual realities, but somehow, they sometimes come to define our future realities.

and sometimes, they don't, depending on the choices i make.