all it takes is a mix of: a general lack of direction, a low sense of self worth, and some things that don't go my way. then i conveniently forget all that i have learned, and even matters that i had spent considerable time writing and mulling about.
i wish there was a magic pill to deal with all these things that simply don't feel good. so i can get out of this mind bog, and get back on with life. such a magic pill is like a lottery ticket. when i get a large bill from out of nowhere, i wish i'd win the lottery so my bill will go away. nope, it's not going to happen. it's coming out of my savings account, and i have better been saving.
well, the same goes for the shit that happens in life. of course it happens. this magic pill/lottery ticket to make all the bad things go away. in fact, i'm not even so greedy as to hope for good things to happen - i just need to be rid of these detrimental emotions. (it's pretty strange and somewhat annoying that i can't simply "will" my confusion away, even though i'm fully cognizant of the fact that the longer i feel confused, the less i can do to address the underlying problem).
all i can do is build up my mental savings account, mind muscle, or whatever analogy that will not sound too corny. put in the mental effort when things are going ok. work on the mind, so when mind shit happens, i might realize, well, it's only mind shit that's happening.
