those pros

i used to wonder about those "pros". i could take a photo like that, why is he a pro? i could write like that too, why is he a pro? he's not even that good, why is he doing it for a living?

they know that too, actually. they know there are amateurs out there who are good or even better than them. they know they might not be able to maintain their talent and inspiration forever. they know they might be only very mediocre in this cut-throat world.

sure, there are those who are honestly just the best in the world, and they are pro for that reason. but by definition, there is only one, at most a few, "the best" in the world. and there are millions of pros who do things for a living that others consider their hobbies.

now, i admire their courage. many of them turn pro, attempt to make a living out of their passion, knowing full well that they aren't likely to be the best in their profession, knowing full well that somebody better will come along at some point and eat their lunch, knowing full well that there are enough amateurs out there to seriously diminish their value.

sure, some of them are only good at marketing/untalented/have delusions of grandeur. but many are totally cognizant about the harshness of reality, and hella scared of it.

and they still do it.

the degree of spirituality

this is something that bothers me from time to time, especially when i meet people i don't know too well who talk about spirituality, goodness, etc. especially some people who for whatever reason i don't quite click with. i can't explain it. and for some reason, their spirituality seems contrived, even though it is well possible they are thinking the exact same thing about me (even though i rarely discuss these things in real life).

they (the non-click people) might be doing the exact same good and right things as the particular people who click with me, but they still bother me. i really don't know why. and in fact, it leaves me wanting to be less spiritual, as if somehow they're diluting the whole thing.

of course, there's no such thing as degree of spirituality. at least, the people with real wisdom would not regard it so - the essence is the same, it's just the manifestation that's different.

maybe there's no getting around it. just because i love watching movies doesn't mean i'll enjoy every movie i watch, even if it gets awesome reviews from somewhere. different people respond to different things, it's that simple.

so all there is to do is to respect their ways, watch and perhaps even learn what works for them. i go my way, and they go theirs. just like it should be.

and if we really were heading down the right direction, then it's just a matter of time when we meet and realize that the paths may have been different, but we get there all the same. and hopefully at that point i can laugh about my own question.

just another run

am now entering the three week period where i really need to get my runs in, whether i like to or not. well, let's be honest, i almost never "like" to. the time taken to will myself to go out into the biting cold is probably longer than my actual running time. it's totally ridiculous, yet i do it still.

so i guess i was well rested after my longish run last thursday, and i was beginning to feel bad that i hadn't run in three whole days. so at the end of the day, it was still guilt that got me out on the pavement. that can't be a healthy motivational technique, but at this point, i'll resort to anything.

it was indeed damn cold as i got to the jogging path. i was just in my tshirt and shorts, and as usual got some strange looks from people in their big fluffy down jackets. i also knew i'd get warm in due course, but unfortunately that knowledge doesn't in itself make me warm.

so off i went. i wanted to run fast to warm up. but the problem is, if i run too fast, i tire and will pay for it near the end of my run. and also there's the chance i'd pull something as the muscles take time to warm up. so i tried to keep some sort of happy balance, all the while swearing to no one in particular. i remember reading that swearing actually improves our pain tolerance. i always knew that, but it was gratifying to know it had scientific backing. but swearing doesn't make me warm either.

about fifteen twenty minutes in, finally, i could think of something other than "it's fucking cold". there are so many things of late i wasn't quite sure where to even start. but first, i wanted to consider why i had become a perfectionist of sorts. i have always been proud that i am pretty relaxed about things, and perfectionists were strange unhappy people. but a minor glitch on something i had worked on for a while was majorly disturbing me. finally, i decided, it was a miracle of technology i even got it done, and i was being a bit of an ungrateful sonuvabitch to the world. and i felt a little better.

mid-run, finally, i was feeling nice. it astonishes me every single time why there are nice feelings associated with pavement pounding. but it was really a very nice feeling. the tshirt-piercing cold had morphed into a constant fullbody aircon cooling me to the perfect temperature. surprisingly, no knee pain, yet. and things just seemed smooth, almost effortless, as the sky slowly darkened.

of course, these conditions never last very long. my knee started to complain, but fortunately, it was more a whine than a scream. because i slowed down a little, i was feeling cold again. i began to wonder what i could have possibly enjoyed about this, even though it was only several minutes ago, and circumstances hadn't changed at all.

at the same time, i marveled once again how running really does remind me of the cycles of life. i remind myself how i hate people who tell me life is like everything, from chocolates to golf, but i suppose it's because it really means something to them. running is that thing to me. it just somehow reflects my view of life better than golf or chocolates. and i don't even like running. or maybe it's because i don't like running.

a lot of things in my life seem to follow this pattern. it takes me forever to decide to do one thing. then the start is always awful, everything is a confused jumbo of pain, and i question my own sanity. mid-way, for some brief moments, i think it's actually pretty good. 3/4 of the way, it sucks again. after i finish, i'm pretty glad. if i don't finish the way i wanted to, well, i guess i'll have to do better next time. that's where the analogy diverges, because there aren't too many second chances in real life.

anyhow, i did manage to run the 14km i aimed for, without great discomfort, so that much was ok.

so i took a long sip of water, looked out at this city with its sea of lights, each with someone in them running their own tough races, and went home.

睇你點睇

advice on what to do is nice.

advice on how to gain another perspective is even nicer.

the challenge and perspective is, how to create nice things out of any situation? or at least things that feel nice?

in reality

in reality, the problems of the real world are here to stay. no matter how much meditation or soul-searching i do, money won't fall from the sky, and my commitments and responsibilities will go only one way, i.e. to pile up. and one day, at the point of suffocation, i will wonder, what exactly did i do to deserve this?

these things i wish to have - anything from personal time to youth to freedom - for whatever reason, there comes a point when it gets taken away, or i lose it, or i can't have it, or it's out of reach. and i can't accept this new reality.

all my life, i strive for things, i don't accept things. i mean, who wants to settle? a little voice in me tells me, if all these things happen, this thing i want, i can still have it. acceptance is just not cool. i'm fighting tooth and nail not to get there. the weird thing is, i suppose, if and when i finally arrive there, it's not too terrible. and i may even wonder why i struggled so hard not to get there. but maybe such true acceptance is a myth. i'll never be able to rationalize my regrets away.

but there are degrees of acceptance and non-acceptance. things don't have to be absolutely one way or another.

and this non-acceptance is a just part of the deal, part of the road. the key is to parse out the struggle - am i struggling against reality, or am i struggling against my acceptance of reality?

struggle against reality = worth the trouble; struggle against acceptance of reality = not so smart.

maybe, one day, when i've finally come to terms with things, in the words of my good friend, i will also see that "it is so tragic that i find it funny".

the simplicity of a morning run

there's the sound of my breathing, there's the familiar faint soreness somewhere.

there's me, my shoes, the pavement.

it's so simple, and all there is to do, is to put one foot in front of another.

overestimation

remember that:

i overestimate the degree of my obstacles, and underestimate the adversity others face.

i overestimate my own sacrifices, and underestimate what others, my loved ones, people i will never know nor meet, have sacrificed for me.

i overestimate my understanding of things, and despite whatever effort i have put in this, i'm at the very beginnings of anything.

i overestimate my ability to change things in the world, but underestimate my ability to change myself.