the gradual death of personal time

i now realize, when i don't have enough personal time, i mean time really to myself, doing nothing, without fear of anyone bothering me, i get really cranky.

the issue is that could never have lasted that long, and things do pile on. and soon enough, we're not talking "enough" time. any time is a luxury.

the challenge is to maintain calmness, focus, despite all these things that distract, bother, annoy, and they all happen naturally in fact.

or, to change my concept of personal time. it was never mine in fact, and perhaps, every minute is already personal if i'm still alive.

man it is tough.

差少少,就可能真係差少少

today, i randomly saved someone. perhaps not from death, but from a body shutdown due to heat stroke at least. the interesting thing was i had a very mild experience of it myself later - and sometimes if you don't have that sip of water to save you, hard as one tries the strength just isn't there. and it just goes downhill very quickly from there.

i don't know if there's anything to be learned here, but perhaps if there's a little extra that can be done, do it, since you don't know if it will matter a lot later.

and the other lesson is make sure someone stays with the weakest link.

how to choose

when in doubt, in trying to decide between two things that are similarly good (or bad), choose the one that requires more willpower.

think, wait, fast

since i really don't have ideas these days (really, somehow i have stared at the screen for a good while and nothing comes to mind. nothing. ok, it's more like, i want to think about the deeper things in life. but didn't i already figure it out? and it's just too taxing to go beyond ah, life goes on. i need to figure out how to really jump start my brain again.)

i can think, i can wait, i can fast, and that is all, the young siddhartha said, in herman hesse's book.

sometimes, it really is like that. i kind of have to wait for the thoughts to emerge, from nowhere it seems. and sometimes they just remain unformed. and how do i coax them into forming themselves again?

i imagine it's like trying to regain my running stamina that has all but disappeared again.

time and patience. eventually, have faith, they return.

ultimate liberty

it always confuses me a little that compassion leads to dispassion leads to ultimate liberty.

challenges that make me look bad

i have a new theory about myself. the challenges that i like are the ones that even if i fail, i will look ok. the challenges i don't like are the ones that i will look like an ass if i fail, because i) everyone else can do it really easily and ii) there is no coolness factor associated with it.

for ii), while i still wonder when i will eventually grow out of it, i think it's not so much that i want to be cool now (truly, no one cares. even if they really care, all anyone will get is a "like" these days. i have another theory that "liking" is making people more indifferent, as you can "like" anything without saying anything. but that's for another day), it's more like i don't want to be uncool.

so anyhow. this came up as i am still thinking about teaching yoga. part of it is i don't want to do a half-assed job and i'd like to maintain some continuity if i ever start. the other part of it is i don't quite feel like it. maybe it's because i look really stupid teaching people to stick their bums in the air. or maybe i feel i'm doing my teacher no justice if i don't do it well. or maybe i'm just scared to stand in front of a bunch of people and have them stare at me and assume i know what i'm doing. which is weird, because i can do that for things i know even less about. and that never stopped me from blabbering on.

as life goes on

the new challenge is how to maintain some form of practice and consistency - whether it's writing this, running, yoga, meditation, given the dozens of new priorities that come up and will come up.

if i only have ten minutes, how do i possibly calm my mind knowing there are a long list of things to be done right afterwards? or alternatively, how do i actually focus for these ten minutes despite the things to come?

hasn't this always been the case, or does it just seem things are much more uncertain and unpredictable than before?

i really don't quite know yet.

but first, i need to get back in it.

only then, i figure out how to better to do it.

uncanny valley

singapore is my city-version of the uncanny valley.

there are a lot of things similar to hong kong - the G2000 shop, the andy lau advertisement, the mango billboard.

but there are small differences. the people on the streets look like the people i'd see in hong kong from afar, but one longer look reveals i'm definitely not in hong kong. the hairstyle. the walking gait. even the oil shine on the skin, probably just from the warm weather.

and it somehow makes it all the more alien to me. so familiar, yet different that it's weirdly discomforting.

i sometimes realize i'm such a creature of habit. so i guess, all the more important it is to somehow train myself to have better habits.

6 weeks vs 1 week

one would think that having not written for so long, i would be brimming with things that i'd like to expound on.

somehow, that doesn't quite happen.

as i must have reminded myself a million times, 6 weeks to get in shape, 1 week to get out of shape.

maybe that applies to the mind as well.

like the 5k run i did this morning, getting back in shape sucks.

but it has to be done.

who's first?

given the choice, do you help the people who has everything taken away, or you help those who never had anything in the first place?

it's time

it's time to get going again.

one of the laws of the universe state that:

determination is always elusive;

excuses are everywhere to be found.

different goals at different times

sometimes i mistake other people's goals for my own.

sometimes i even mistake my previous goals for my current ones.

of course, my current problems stem from the fact that i'm not quite sure what my current goal exactly is. and there's always a spectrum and overlap among what i think i should do, what i desire to do, what i think fits me to do. people always say, be yourself, find your passion. with all this exploration of my "self" over the past couple of years, i seem to be no closer to figuring out what "being myself" entails. my passion? media is an easy passion. what's not to like? but might it also be a superficial kind of passion, which is the reason i'm at times uncomfortable with it? or i'm just uncomfortable with the pay, the inherent instability of the business?

maybe, these kinds of self-imposed shocks are a good way for me to figure things out.

so i guess, i just have to keep reminding myself, there are no right or wrong choices, but there are kind and less-kind decisions, and there surely are happy and less-happy perspectives.

bright and shiny things

this has been one of the toughest decisions i've had to make in recent memory, and i'm not even quite sure where to start. certainly, a luxury to have the option to choose, but it's also killing me because well, i can only take one of them. the other opportunities, for all intensive purposes, will likely never happen again.

one is essentially a dream job - one that i would be jumping up and down for any other time. i could do it well, it's glamorous, it's right in the middle of the action - in a way, what i have worked towards over the past eight years. the other is uncool, stuffy, but in a way better serves society by way of better resource allocation. it seems to precisely answer my wish to do something more substantial for society and yet maintain some decent quality of living.

the problem with myself is i can argue it any which way i wish to. i can say media is the thing that truly changes lives and inspires people. i can also say insurance forms the backbone of society, and actually helps those when life deals them a bad hand. and at the same time, i am well aware that in either job i'm still a glorified cog, and possibly more so in the insurance business due to the nature of the corporation.

the key issue is there's a disconnect between what i should do vs what i would like to do. there's a disconnect between my conscious and my sub-conscious. and there's even a disconnect between my brain and my heart, even though i'm not quite sure which one is which.

is continuing in media the logical and safe extension given all that i have invested in it? media may be risky but as an industry executive it's in fact totally safe. or is my brain telling me i should go into a socially boring but high growth industry? the industry may be stable but who knows whether i have what it takes to succeed.

is continuing in media what my passion tells me because of its inherent excitement, or is my heart is telling me that i need to dig deep down and focus on the things that matter the most - to do something that has greater meaning to me?

the big question is which one has more meaning to me? or in other words, which one can i find more meaning in? and which one will open up more opportunities to things that i can find more meaning in?

the simpler perspective perhaps is, what do i feel like, where does my passion lie? have i confused my "wish to be cool" with my "passion"? am i forcing myself into this "more meaningful" job? despite my aspirations to be more selfless, am i at the core the same selfish egotistical self i've known all these years? once that job spirals down into boredom and bureaucracy, i'll regret giving up the cool job for the delusion of being able to serve the world better?

the problem is i don't know.

but at this point, with everything a 50/50 toss-up, the only thing i can rely on is to do what matters. or more precisely, do what i think will matter, at this moment.

maybe i'm missing out on the chance to really shape the future of the industry. maybe this is my one chance to become a "somebody" in media.

but in the end, this seems to matter more. i couldn't explain it if i tried. so all i can do is to keep calm, and see how life decides to play along.

those pros

i used to wonder about those "pros". i could take a photo like that, why is he a pro? i could write like that too, why is he a pro? he's not even that good, why is he doing it for a living?

they know that too, actually. they know there are amateurs out there who are good or even better than them. they know they might not be able to maintain their talent and inspiration forever. they know they might be only very mediocre in this cut-throat world.

sure, there are those who are honestly just the best in the world, and they are pro for that reason. but by definition, there is only one, at most a few, "the best" in the world. and there are millions of pros who do things for a living that others consider their hobbies.

now, i admire their courage. many of them turn pro, attempt to make a living out of their passion, knowing full well that they aren't likely to be the best in their profession, knowing full well that somebody better will come along at some point and eat their lunch, knowing full well that there are enough amateurs out there to seriously diminish their value.

sure, some of them are only good at marketing/untalented/have delusions of grandeur. but many are totally cognizant about the harshness of reality, and hella scared of it.

and they still do it.

the degree of spirituality

this is something that bothers me from time to time, especially when i meet people i don't know too well who talk about spirituality, goodness, etc. especially some people who for whatever reason i don't quite click with. i can't explain it. and for some reason, their spirituality seems contrived, even though it is well possible they are thinking the exact same thing about me (even though i rarely discuss these things in real life).

they (the non-click people) might be doing the exact same good and right things as the particular people who click with me, but they still bother me. i really don't know why. and in fact, it leaves me wanting to be less spiritual, as if somehow they're diluting the whole thing.

of course, there's no such thing as degree of spirituality. at least, the people with real wisdom would not regard it so - the essence is the same, it's just the manifestation that's different.

maybe there's no getting around it. just because i love watching movies doesn't mean i'll enjoy every movie i watch, even if it gets awesome reviews from somewhere. different people respond to different things, it's that simple.

so all there is to do is to respect their ways, watch and perhaps even learn what works for them. i go my way, and they go theirs. just like it should be.

and if we really were heading down the right direction, then it's just a matter of time when we meet and realize that the paths may have been different, but we get there all the same. and hopefully at that point i can laugh about my own question.

just another run

am now entering the three week period where i really need to get my runs in, whether i like to or not. well, let's be honest, i almost never "like" to. the time taken to will myself to go out into the biting cold is probably longer than my actual running time. it's totally ridiculous, yet i do it still.

so i guess i was well rested after my longish run last thursday, and i was beginning to feel bad that i hadn't run in three whole days. so at the end of the day, it was still guilt that got me out on the pavement. that can't be a healthy motivational technique, but at this point, i'll resort to anything.

it was indeed damn cold as i got to the jogging path. i was just in my tshirt and shorts, and as usual got some strange looks from people in their big fluffy down jackets. i also knew i'd get warm in due course, but unfortunately that knowledge doesn't in itself make me warm.

so off i went. i wanted to run fast to warm up. but the problem is, if i run too fast, i tire and will pay for it near the end of my run. and also there's the chance i'd pull something as the muscles take time to warm up. so i tried to keep some sort of happy balance, all the while swearing to no one in particular. i remember reading that swearing actually improves our pain tolerance. i always knew that, but it was gratifying to know it had scientific backing. but swearing doesn't make me warm either.

about fifteen twenty minutes in, finally, i could think of something other than "it's fucking cold". there are so many things of late i wasn't quite sure where to even start. but first, i wanted to consider why i had become a perfectionist of sorts. i have always been proud that i am pretty relaxed about things, and perfectionists were strange unhappy people. but a minor glitch on something i had worked on for a while was majorly disturbing me. finally, i decided, it was a miracle of technology i even got it done, and i was being a bit of an ungrateful sonuvabitch to the world. and i felt a little better.

mid-run, finally, i was feeling nice. it astonishes me every single time why there are nice feelings associated with pavement pounding. but it was really a very nice feeling. the tshirt-piercing cold had morphed into a constant fullbody aircon cooling me to the perfect temperature. surprisingly, no knee pain, yet. and things just seemed smooth, almost effortless, as the sky slowly darkened.

of course, these conditions never last very long. my knee started to complain, but fortunately, it was more a whine than a scream. because i slowed down a little, i was feeling cold again. i began to wonder what i could have possibly enjoyed about this, even though it was only several minutes ago, and circumstances hadn't changed at all.

at the same time, i marveled once again how running really does remind me of the cycles of life. i remind myself how i hate people who tell me life is like everything, from chocolates to golf, but i suppose it's because it really means something to them. running is that thing to me. it just somehow reflects my view of life better than golf or chocolates. and i don't even like running. or maybe it's because i don't like running.

a lot of things in my life seem to follow this pattern. it takes me forever to decide to do one thing. then the start is always awful, everything is a confused jumbo of pain, and i question my own sanity. mid-way, for some brief moments, i think it's actually pretty good. 3/4 of the way, it sucks again. after i finish, i'm pretty glad. if i don't finish the way i wanted to, well, i guess i'll have to do better next time. that's where the analogy diverges, because there aren't too many second chances in real life.

anyhow, i did manage to run the 14km i aimed for, without great discomfort, so that much was ok.

so i took a long sip of water, looked out at this city with its sea of lights, each with someone in them running their own tough races, and went home.

睇你點睇

advice on what to do is nice.

advice on how to gain another perspective is even nicer.

the challenge and perspective is, how to create nice things out of any situation? or at least things that feel nice?

in reality

in reality, the problems of the real world are here to stay. no matter how much meditation or soul-searching i do, money won't fall from the sky, and my commitments and responsibilities will go only one way, i.e. to pile up. and one day, at the point of suffocation, i will wonder, what exactly did i do to deserve this?

these things i wish to have - anything from personal time to youth to freedom - for whatever reason, there comes a point when it gets taken away, or i lose it, or i can't have it, or it's out of reach. and i can't accept this new reality.

all my life, i strive for things, i don't accept things. i mean, who wants to settle? a little voice in me tells me, if all these things happen, this thing i want, i can still have it. acceptance is just not cool. i'm fighting tooth and nail not to get there. the weird thing is, i suppose, if and when i finally arrive there, it's not too terrible. and i may even wonder why i struggled so hard not to get there. but maybe such true acceptance is a myth. i'll never be able to rationalize my regrets away.

but there are degrees of acceptance and non-acceptance. things don't have to be absolutely one way or another.

and this non-acceptance is a just part of the deal, part of the road. the key is to parse out the struggle - am i struggling against reality, or am i struggling against my acceptance of reality?

struggle against reality = worth the trouble; struggle against acceptance of reality = not so smart.

maybe, one day, when i've finally come to terms with things, in the words of my good friend, i will also see that "it is so tragic that i find it funny".

the simplicity of a morning run

there's the sound of my breathing, there's the familiar faint soreness somewhere.

there's me, my shoes, the pavement.

it's so simple, and all there is to do, is to put one foot in front of another.

overestimation

remember that:

i overestimate the degree of my obstacles, and underestimate the adversity others face.

i overestimate my own sacrifices, and underestimate what others, my loved ones, people i will never know nor meet, have sacrificed for me.

i overestimate my understanding of things, and despite whatever effort i have put in this, i'm at the very beginnings of anything.

i overestimate my ability to change things in the world, but underestimate my ability to change myself.