one is essentially a dream job - one that i would be jumping up and down for any other time. i could do it well, it's glamorous, it's right in the middle of the action - in a way, what i have worked towards over the past eight years. the other is uncool, stuffy, but in a way better serves society by way of better resource allocation. it seems to precisely answer my wish to do something more substantial for society and yet maintain some decent quality of living.
the problem with myself is i can argue it any which way i wish to. i can say media is the thing that truly changes lives and inspires people. i can also say insurance forms the backbone of society, and actually helps those when life deals them a bad hand. and at the same time, i am well aware that in either job i'm still a glorified cog, and possibly more so in the insurance business due to the nature of the corporation.
the key issue is there's a disconnect between what i should do vs what i would like to do. there's a disconnect between my conscious and my sub-conscious. and there's even a disconnect between my brain and my heart, even though i'm not quite sure which one is which.
is continuing in media the logical and safe extension given all that i have invested in it? media may be risky but as an industry executive it's in fact totally safe. or is my brain telling me i should go into a socially boring but high growth industry? the industry may be stable but who knows whether i have what it takes to succeed.
is continuing in media what my passion tells me because of its inherent excitement, or is my heart is telling me that i need to dig deep down and focus on the things that matter the most - to do something that has greater meaning to me?
the big question is which one has more meaning to me? or in other words, which one can i find more meaning in? and which one will open up more opportunities to things that i can find more meaning in?
the simpler perspective perhaps is, what do i feel like, where does my passion lie? have i confused my "wish to be cool" with my "passion"? am i forcing myself into this "more meaningful" job? despite my aspirations to be more selfless, am i at the core the same selfish egotistical self i've known all these years? once that job spirals down into boredom and bureaucracy, i'll regret giving up the cool job for the delusion of being able to serve the world better?
the problem is i don't know.
but at this point, with everything a 50/50 toss-up, the only thing i can rely on is to do what matters. or more precisely, do what i think will matter, at this moment.
maybe i'm missing out on the chance to really shape the future of the industry. maybe this is my one chance to become a "somebody" in media.
but in the end, this seems to matter more. i couldn't explain it if i tried. so all i can do is to keep calm, and see how life decides to play along.
