my ultimate goal

so somehow, i pulled this out of my ass. 365 entries for the year of 2010.

at the end of any long race, the feeling is always more of relief than anything else. it's actually done. whatever i have gained, or lost, is probably discernible only a bit of time later.

i leave 2010 with one thought.

as long as i can remember, my ultimate focus has been on achieving things.

the challenge now, is to slowly start to realize that the higher, more difficult, but ultimately more rewarding goal, is to focus on discarding things.

the formula, part two

in addition to part one:

the more me i feel, the harder it is to get off the rat race and find long lasting contentment.

the less me i perceive, the larger the proportional happiness of anything.

sustainable selflessness

how much do i sacrifice for my loved ones?

the word "sacrifice" in itself means there is something i'm giving up, possibly with no return. when i truly expect no return, then the word doesn't even mean anything anymore. well, not that i expect to get there this life time.

but it's still a relevant question.

to the extent that i can remain sane, as much as possible.

ideally, food, clothing, shelter, and rest are not worries. there's the old cliche that if i can't take care of myself, i can't take care of others. perhaps a slight modification is that if i ignore myself to take care of others, while noble, it helps them in the short term, but when i burnout and break down, i'm certainly not helping any one in the long term. so maybe there should a term called "sustainable selflessness".

like all things, it's a fine balance, learned through trial and error.

if there is one personal thing i need to do for myself, wake up that one hour earlier to do it. it will help keep me sane.

in any case, the less ego and attachment i have in the first place, the less the consequences matter. "how much is enough" is no longer a question, it just becomes something that happens.

the problem of different levels

it's always a bit weird that i may hear the same concept a dozen times, and finally, something finally clicks, and i "get it".

this particular one is the problem of different levels. on one hand, i know i'm blessed with all sorts of good fortune. while i'm writing, i try to imagine the different responses, and inevitably they become variations of you don't have to worry and you won't understand, because you don't have money problems/don't have kids/don't have health issues/have too much free time. and i get stuck because one, they're somewhat true at this point, and two, contemplation does seem to be a bit of a frivolous luxury. so, i have immense difficulty writing things that might apply across the spectrum, even to my future self when i encounter these various issues.

so, today, i came across the well-known quote: 窮則獨善其身，達則兼善天下. and suddenly the issue crystallized.

no matter what state me, or the future-me will be in, there is still self-reflection to do, self-virtue to cultivate, and greater things to serve. the actual percentage of what is doable, will largely depend on my economic/health/family status. even if i have absolutely no time, no bandwidth, no money, no health, that does not preclude me from doing the right things when i have the choice to. that act in itself is it.

sure. i can have as many reasons as i want to, there's no one stopping me.

whatever level i'm at, or will be at, i can't control. but i could stop making excuses.

uneasiness

as the year, this daily blog practice, and certain parts of my life, all draw towards a close, i seem to have this pervading sense of uneasiness.

perhaps, all this "progress" has been an illusion?

perhaps, suffering really is inescapable, despite my realization that i'm a speck of a speck?

perhaps, effort really is futile?

perhaps, i'm destined to be thrown around in the oceans of fate, never getting used to either the storm or the calm?

perhaps, i'll be forever caught in the no-man's land of neither being spiritual enough to find contentment, nor being intellectual enough to fully comprehend the intricacies of existence?

perhaps, life is all downhill from here?

and i wonder if i can just forget contemplating about these things, after all, most, if not all, people do completely fine without ever worrying about it. or, i just keep myself so busy i won't have the time to worry about it.

i just need to accept, that i can't stop myself from wondering. it doesn't matter that no one else is wondering.

and that it's my mind being tossed around, really. things outside, well, the things that change, change, the things that don't change, don't change.

which is to say, things will go on no matter how my mind perceives them, so, it's ok to relax about it.

unanticipated things

at the start of my run, i worried if it'd be too cold, if my foot would suddenly cramp up, if i'd get hungry, if i'd have the motivation to cover the 20km i wanted to. after all, i hadn't run this far since the marathon back in february.

2km in, i realized, my throat was getting dry. by 4km, my thirst was getting pretty unbearable. it was not remotely a problem i had considered. in the summer, perhaps, but not when the weather was this cold and i had been well hydrated before the start. but, it was another 4km before i could run back to my starting point for my water bottle. so, it wasn't that i had a choice anyway.

if i walked, then it'd be even longer before i could get a drink. run too fast, even worse things might happen. i could already feel an impending headache, which didn't make sense to me, as i thought logically there's just no way i could be dehydrated, so it was probably just in the mind. at the same time, i was beginning to be able to taste blood at the back of my throat. each breath hurt a little bit more.

but, somehow, in trying to block out everything except to tell myself one step at a time, one step at a time, i made it back, and i took the sweetest drink of water.

and i smiled at my own attempt to foresee all problems, to plan for everything. still, one small bit of experience gained.

the things i carry

but i have burdens now. i have obligations. responsibilities outside of myself. i have family. i have people who rely on me. if i fail, my family suffers. there are risks i can no longer afford to take. it isn't even about "me" anymore. most of the time, i'm worrying about things that aren't about me. in fact, all the time, i'm worrying about things that are related to me, but not "me" me.

but without really taking care of myself, without doing the necessary mental work, i'll just remain in there, stuck in that particular state of existence. and my loved ones, i'm just providing for them. which is nice, and necessary, but i'm not doing anything beyond.

the question is, am i helping them to get to having long term well-being as well?

the work still has to be done. it's possibly even more important to get my act together. so they gain that extra bit of internal happiness as well.

the formula

the formula really is so simple.

the more internal happiness i find within, the less i need to get it from outside things.

meaning as use

meaning comes from use. no use, no meaning.

how not to get lost

one of the hardest things is how to write about existence and meaning without going insane.

on an atomic level, i'm an unbelievably complicated arrangement of atoms.

on a cosmic level, i'm a blink of a blink in the universe.

on a human level, i'm a member of my family, my society, and i have things i do to keep things working the way they're supposed to.

on a personal level, i'm a person, enveloped in the everyday things i do.

if i zoom in to the level of atoms, the things in me have always existed, just in a different form. if i zoom out even just to the level of human civilization, my existence makes little difference.

yet, the only level it makes sense to me on a day-to-day basis is my singular perspective about what i need, what i have to do. but in the back of my mind, not to belittle myself, but i know whatever it is i'm doing is a re-arrangement of atoms, pre-determined or otherwise, and in any case, totally insignificant in the grand scheme of things. but of course i keep doing them.

here are the rules on how not to get lost.

- assume self-interest is the basic reason for human existence.

- most people peer through the world via their own eyes. pick three people and view the world from their eyes.

- don't go zooming until it's absolutely necessary.

- the message is just a small part of things. remember, words are futile. always provide space to reflect.

maintaining sanity

when all else fails, observe the mind.

even in the midst of total insanity, observe the mind.

and take one more step back, and observe the observer of the mind.

as time goes by

it seems to me in the long road of life, burdens really just get heavier as we grow older. or, they were always there, just that for some of us lucky ones, we had our parents to take care of them.

time really becomes more and more sparse. and time really is kind of important.

so if i were to chat with my younger self, i'd probably tell him it is worth it to try to figure out, even approximately, the principles i want to live by, as you're not going to have time later in life. and then it's too late.

what do i want to be remembered by?

this is such a weird question for me now. the simple answer, now, is i really wouldn't care. i mean, ideally, at my eulogy, people would say more nice things than bad things (it seems like a reasonable thing to wish for), but the way things work, at these eulogies, people say nice things about the worst people anyway.

i'm trying to recall when i went from "i want to remembered as this great person" to "i'm dead, why would it make a difference?" to "ok, it would probably not be a bad thing if somehow people become happier/inspired/etc etc if i died". the last one does sound weird, but it's really is kind of the only thing that would remotely matter.

i suppose it's a bit of a continuum. the difficult part is realizing that, regardless of whether there's an afterlife or not, whether anyone remembers me, the way i should live my life should really be the same.

don't forget

if and when i go up the ladder of things, or even when i'm climbing up the ladder of things, it's all too easy to forget the view from the bottom of things.

if i only keep looking up to climb up certain ladders, it's easy to forget i might be sliding down the much larger ladder.

stardust

i'm here this moment because of some uncountable trillions of physical reactions, all from residues of stardust. the atoms in my body are a billions of years old.

as far as i can tell, the laws of physics will continue to hold true, at least in the foreseeable future.

so yup, things will happen the way they're supposed to happen.

i'm worthless

so are we all.

in the large scheme of things, it doesn't matter.

the only thing to do is to find the things that i find meaningful.

it really is ok if no one else thinks so.

because if we step back enough steps, and the view is long, long term enough, nothing that anyone is doing is meaningful.

and if something meaningful is just too hard to find, just find something to do that makes somebody else happier. then, i'll be slightly less worthless.

my biggest attachments

external things i need:

family, friends, quiet time, good food, good sleep.

things my ego needs:

career success; intellectual superiority; being cool.

eeek. this is not pretty.

for a moment, a magic wand has taken away these things.

i better have built up my reservoir of understanding, so when these things go, that really is all there to it, that they're gone. the task at hand is just to find that elusive peace of mind once again, that just had another layer stripped away, but also just darted away to some dark, hidden corner.

theoretically, when i find it again, it will be even clearer, brighter.

do it

because it needs to be done.

falling behind

this is perhaps my single biggest fear, the beast that follows me around like my own shadow. everyone out there is busy doing something more productive, more meaningful, just better in every sense.

the people that i used to think were my peers, they're now managing directors, parents, landlords, entrepreneurs, people who are simply further ahead in the path of life.

and me? i'm just wallowing around, almost aimlessly. i think i have a general direction, but i couldn't really explain it if i tried. on one hand, i seem to have managed to figure some things out. on the other, i'm still asking myself, so what? and then?

i'm also conscious of the problem that, even if i had taken a different route, and somehow had ended up becoming one of these people i admire, i'd still be asking myself - so what? and then?

and i know we're all running around in circles, figuratively and literally, on this floating ball of rock in space. and, eventually, we all end up in the very same place. the pace doesn't matter too much, since we will all get there. but, life still feels like a damn race to me.

so... if i really insist on thinking that life is a race, i better figure out which race it is i want to run. if i'm running the wrong one, it doesn't matter if i race far, far ahead.

there are races that i have to keep a jogging pace (health, rent payments), races i shouldn't give a crap about (coolness and popularity).

the hardest race for me, it seems, is the one to locate the peace of mind. the reason it's so damn hard is the circumstances change all the time, requiring something different every time. and if i don't count myself, there's no opponent. there is never going to be a quantifiable score that i can be "more peaceful" than someone else.

but it's the one race where i might be able to win, without anyone losing, where i can actually go faster when i help others along the road. one race i know i'm winning when i realize that winning is not so important.

the one race that can make sense of all the other races.

changing lens

if i zoom out, i see patterns i never knew were there.

if i zoom in, i see details i never appreciated before.

most of the time, these levels aren't quite relevant, they really have no bearing on my life, not at this instant at least.

but when i'm in the middle of the maelstrom of things, it's a good reminder not to take myself too seriously.

strengths and flaws

my strengths today, can be my flaws tomorrow. particularly if i rely too much on them.

my flaws today, can be my strengths tomorrow. particularly if i learn from them.

the things to do

do things that are important, not things that are urgent.

(create a ratio or something. for every three urgent things, one important thing has to be done.)

do things because they make sense to me, not because everyone else is doing it.

(that way, i only have myself to blame.)

do a few things damn good, not many things pretty good.

(or, at least attempt to do so.)

do things because they need to be done, not because they're convenient and available.

(especially the things that need to be done, but people don't want to do.)

what if i have nothing to show for after doing, or attempting to do, these things of supposed importance?

i seem to forget the only person that really cares about what i have to show for, is my own mind.

certainty is overrated

this thing i'm doing, that causes me undue stress and anxiety -

because it's uncertain, and i don't know how it will turn out?

or because it's actually wrong?

if it's not the latter, there's really nothing to worry about.

in the long run, pretty much everything takes turns in causing stress and anxiety. and they also take their turns becoming fine again.

the sheer agony of objective review

for the first time, i am now starting to try to make sense of all these ramblings over the past year.

each of these little blog entries is like a little war inside my brain, only that there might not be two sides, and it's more like a mosh-pit turned into a free-for-all fight.

re-reading these things is like remembering the gory details of these fights, and re-reading many of them all in one go feels like i'm drinking from a firehose, and that the firehose is spouting gasoline.

it's also a bit demoralizing to see the same questions being asked over and over, and there are far more questions than answers. and i confuse even myself. and a lot of it is just not very good, despite the effort.

so this is what i have to show for a year's worth of work? but what did i expect? one, it's only a year. two, who did i think i was. three, i still have a long, long way to go.

reviewing my own things with an objective eye is just so, so excruciating. which is why i try to avoid most of the time. which is why it's so damn important.

the sources of melancholy

(assuming basic life needs have been fulfilled here...)

i'm falling behind.

i won't live up to my own expectations.

i'm going to be very mediocre.

i will be irrelevant.

i have potential, but that's it, it just remains as potential.

i won't realize my dreams - they will remain that forever, just dreams.

i don't even know what dreams are anymore.

***

is that all? so what, now i did what i wanted to do?

is this already the highest point of my life? where else to go? there's nowhere to go but down.

am i really that good? or am i just lucky? what if people see through it?

what if i somehow lose it all?

***

the pains of me almost always overshadow the pains of the world.

the more me i feel, the greater my pain.

i like being told what to do

i'd like to know that i'm doing the right thing. i'd like to know i'm doing it well. i'd like to know this way forward is the best way forward.

horrifyingly i realized, this are pretty much the components of someone who likes being told what to do.

fortunately and unfortunately, i seem to still have the teenage-like rebellious mentality of not listening to any figure of authority or seniority.

which means, there's no way for me to satisfy my need to know for sure that things will be ok. (not that figures of authority really know, by the way. but there is an interim false sense of security they can provide.)

so, i really have to learn to live with not knowing where i'm going. either that, or find the answers myself that i'm so fully convinced of there's not a shred of doubt in my mind.

unfairness happens

one of the great mysteries of human psychology is my desire to be superior and the world to be fair at the same time.

i want the world to be fair so everyone has the same starting point. i want to be better than everyone so i am better, because of me, not because of my circumstances. that makes me feel nice.

and of course unfairness happens. to me, to you, to him, to her, to it, to us, to them.

over the long run, does karma do its thing, and do things equalize and simply become fair?

or, i simply come to accept the status quo as reasonably fair, since it's the way the world works? and justify i am where i am because i'm quicker, smarter, braver, a generally better human being?

or, i'm actually trying to do something about the way things are?

the loop

the loop, also known as the death recursion into the existential abyss.

it starts when i wonder what i'm doing with myself. then, i start to ponder existence generally. then soon, i realize there is no inherent meaning in existence generally, and whatever meaning we instill in things is just that, creations of my mind. suddenly, nothing matters anymore.

it is a fine line between being passively nihilistic and coming to terms with this emptiness of things.

it is precisely because nothing matters anymore, that the only thing that matters is my peace of mind, whichever way i get there.

my greatest individual achievement

is still dependent on other people. the people who went before me, who inspired me, who taught me, who built the platform that i could even succeed on.

sure, i wouldn't be here if not for them, but it was me who put in the effort. me who endured the dark times. me who overcame these insurmountable odds.

i created this achievement out of thin air - well, the earth was created out of thin air. (and some dust). but if i had to design myself from scratch i'd still make myself believe that i was the source of this achievement.

how much of this awesome achievement i think is mine reflects more of my understanding of things than anything else.

and it's always funny how these attributions get flipped around in the case of my greatest individual failure.

things people should do

as they say, we can lead a horse to the water but we can't make it drink.

people will only focus on doing what they feel like doing, not what we think they should do (or even what they think they should do, for that matter).

even if we are unequivocally convinced we are right (which is a lot rarer than we think), there's absolutely no reason for them to do what we think is good for them. one, we may not be right, and two, we might be right but the timing's not right for them, or three, they simply don't feel like it.

the focus should really be on being a pond, and hopefully a not-too-murky pond. and hopefully not poison anybody that happens to come along.

i wouldn't know where to start

this really is a variation of the question of finding direction.

"where" is never the right question. we can start anywhere. today. right now. right here.

the real question is what we're willing to trade.

will i trade in my bad-but-feels-good habit in return for something that will suck at first, but will change my life for the better?

will i trade in my precious free time for a deep exploration of what i really care about?

will i trade in my comfortable status quo in return for a courageous leap into the unknown?

show me the appreciation

remember to show appreciation. genuine appreciation. it's as, or more, important that seeking support in the first place. that's the thing that continues the relationship beyond the hit-and-run.

if someone expended their effort, their resources to go out of their way to help me and support my causes, i sure should devote the time to tell them i appreciated it.

at the very least, hopefully it helps to motivate them to continue to go out of their way to help others.