the gradual death of personal time

i now realize, when i don't have enough personal time, i mean time really to myself, doing nothing, without fear of anyone bothering me, i get really cranky.

the issue is that could never have lasted that long, and things do pile on. and soon enough, we're not talking "enough" time. any time is a luxury.

the challenge is to maintain calmness, focus, despite all these things that distract, bother, annoy, and they all happen naturally in fact.

or, to change my concept of personal time. it was never mine in fact, and perhaps, every minute is already personal if i'm still alive.

man it is tough.

差少少,就可能真係差少少

today, i randomly saved someone. perhaps not from death, but from a body shutdown due to heat stroke at least. the interesting thing was i had a very mild experience of it myself later - and sometimes if you don't have that sip of water to save you, hard as one tries the strength just isn't there. and it just goes downhill very quickly from there.

i don't know if there's anything to be learned here, but perhaps if there's a little extra that can be done, do it, since you don't know if it will matter a lot later.

and the other lesson is make sure someone stays with the weakest link.

how to choose

when in doubt, in trying to decide between two things that are similarly good (or bad), choose the one that requires more willpower.

think, wait, fast

since i really don't have ideas these days (really, somehow i have stared at the screen for a good while and nothing comes to mind. nothing. ok, it's more like, i want to think about the deeper things in life. but didn't i already figure it out? and it's just too taxing to go beyond ah, life goes on. i need to figure out how to really jump start my brain again.)

i can think, i can wait, i can fast, and that is all, the young siddhartha said, in herman hesse's book.

sometimes, it really is like that. i kind of have to wait for the thoughts to emerge, from nowhere it seems. and sometimes they just remain unformed. and how do i coax them into forming themselves again?

i imagine it's like trying to regain my running stamina that has all but disappeared again.

time and patience. eventually, have faith, they return.

ultimate liberty

it always confuses me a little that compassion leads to dispassion leads to ultimate liberty.

challenges that make me look bad

i have a new theory about myself. the challenges that i like are the ones that even if i fail, i will look ok. the challenges i don't like are the ones that i will look like an ass if i fail, because i) everyone else can do it really easily and ii) there is no coolness factor associated with it.

for ii), while i still wonder when i will eventually grow out of it, i think it's not so much that i want to be cool now (truly, no one cares. even if they really care, all anyone will get is a "like" these days. i have another theory that "liking" is making people more indifferent, as you can "like" anything without saying anything. but that's for another day), it's more like i don't want to be uncool.

so anyhow. this came up as i am still thinking about teaching yoga. part of it is i don't want to do a half-assed job and i'd like to maintain some continuity if i ever start. the other part of it is i don't quite feel like it. maybe it's because i look really stupid teaching people to stick their bums in the air. or maybe i feel i'm doing my teacher no justice if i don't do it well. or maybe i'm just scared to stand in front of a bunch of people and have them stare at me and assume i know what i'm doing. which is weird, because i can do that for things i know even less about. and that never stopped me from blabbering on.

as life goes on

the new challenge is how to maintain some form of practice and consistency - whether it's writing this, running, yoga, meditation, given the dozens of new priorities that come up and will come up.

if i only have ten minutes, how do i possibly calm my mind knowing there are a long list of things to be done right afterwards? or alternatively, how do i actually focus for these ten minutes despite the things to come?

hasn't this always been the case, or does it just seem things are much more uncertain and unpredictable than before?

i really don't quite know yet.

but first, i need to get back in it.

only then, i figure out how to better to do it.