opportunities are a strange thing

which risks and opportunities am i supposed to just take on, and say, screw it, i'm doing this, to hell with whatever others say?

and which ones should i just walk away, knowing that i will probably still wonder "what if" for possibly the longest time?

yes, i know i'm supposed to focus on the present - and just forget about the alternatives. a decision is a decision.

i don't know.

唯有咬實牙根. and wait and observe things and life that will inevitably change, for better or worse.

even longer than an ultra

it always seems like i have so much to do, so much to learn, so much i'm supposed to be accomplishing. the "success" stories never really stopped to smell the flowers. meanwhile i'm just kinda hopping around here and there.

am i just flip-flopping too much, or am i really gaining an incredible breadth of experience?

all these people are ahead of me. all these people are doing things i wish i had been doing.

all these people haven't run a 100km, they haven't been to kailash either.

i do forget life really is longer than the longest ultra. and i really was never meant to win any ultras. keep healthy, keep learning, keep meditating. try to enjoy the run.

may 1

so i've had now about three weeks here - enough to calm down a little bit, and start to realize this is not just a particularly long business trip. 

it really kinda sucks and i really miss home. 

to be sure, things really have been exceptionally nice here, and i couldn't have asked for a smoother transition. 

the truth is i really am a creature of habit, and having my comfort zone torn away (almost a cruel joke i'm playing on myself), just bothers something me deeply. sure, externally, i will look ok, i will sound ok... but i really have had a piece of myself ripped off. of course we are simply talking just a relocation here, and i also realize it really is not a drastic change. plenty of people go through plenty worse. and i am sure i will have plenty worse to go through in my life. 

but at this point in time, generally, to put it simply, it just feels like crap. the one thing i pride myself on, communicating well, has been ripped away from me. it renders me ineffective, unconfident, and slow. i don't know what to say, i don't know how to react, and i can't understand half the stuff that's going on. and i don't have any familiar comfort zone to retreat into. it simply seems like i'm exposed everywhere and i can't escape. 

in a way, i guess it is a crutch, and i'd rely on my language skills to get through. now it's gone - well, there's only one way, that is to build it. 

the truth is, i find it a lot harder now to build. maybe, i have lost a bit of willpower with age. maybe, i hate letting people see me work hard, and the fact that i can't truly be alone to work at it affects me. these are still kind of stupid excuses at the end of the day. 

so on one hand, work on your language. as always, i never was the smartest one but i could work the hardest. 

and on the other hand, just deal with the fact your life will kinda suck for a while. 

and lastly, just remember to keep up the hardest practice of it all - kindness.