how to use the past

yes, it's our lessons in life, our memories, how we became, who we are now.

in its essence, the past, both the good and the bad, is a thing for us to laugh at. some past grudge or past achievement is exactly that, past.

if i can't laugh at it, i still have a long way to go.

urgent vs important

it is kind of hard to remember what the important things are, over the great noise of urgent things.

of course, not every single minute of our lives can be devoted to doing the things that we deem as important.

but, certainly, we spend a heck of a lot of time doing things that are urgent.

the first step, might be to spend a little time contemplating what things are important, that might not be so urgent, until it's too late.

recovery time

i got myself involved in a minor car accident yesterday morning. it was a simple accident, no injuries - i just bumped into the rear-end of the car in front when it braked hard to avoid another car. not much question, of course i don't necessarily agree it's entirely my fault, but i knew well under hong kong law i didn't have a case, so it didn't matter what i thought.

i was definitely flustered. it didn't help that the other driver, at the behest of his boss, would not settle and had to call in the cops and the whole works. i was late for my meeting. and, i was causing a traffic jam behind me as well.

at the same time, i automatically wondered if this would provide me material to write with, and what grand lesson i might draw from this. how would my brain scan look right now, and what areas would light up? how are the chemical compounds changing this particular instant? can i concoct some backstory about what i did in my past life, assuming i believed in karmic justice?

(yes, i think too much.)

when i woke up this morning, i really can't say the incident bothers me. yes, it's going to cost me, and it's going to be a hassle. whose fault? well, i suppose i could blame it on the universe but it's not really that helpful.

but i don't even have a good lesson to draw from this. if i had to squeeze one out, it's that i'm incredibly thankful paying for this accident is not going to cause my life to go into a death spiral, unlike many others.

well, we almost always get over everything, sooner or later. maybe, possibly, without attributing magic powers to this little blog, my "recovery" time has improved slightly with this daily contemplation. just, maybe.

i'm not mediocre

i wish to be happy.

i need to be alive, with food, shelter, nourishment to be happy.

i need money to be alive, to have food, shelter, nourishment.

i need a job to have money.

i need to work hard to have and keep a job.

at some point, this becomes:

i want to be better than most, if not all people, by whatever measure comes to mind.

i need a really nice apartment, awesome gadgets/clothes/sound system/food to be in this "above average" group.

i need lots of money to get all these awesome things.

i need to work really, really hard to make sure i continue to be really well paid, because, well, i couldn't live without my awesome things. i don't need to be more popular/respected/rich, i suppose, but well, actually, that's the point of my life. i'm not a mediocre person, i'm an awesome, one-of-a-kind, definitely way-above-average kind of guy.

maybe, the actual issue is we like to be awesome at the things that don't matter so much, and end up being mediocre or below-average at the things that matter.

and what matters now? some possibilities here.

testing extremes

when things travel at the speed of light, our notions of time break down.

when things are viewed at the quantum level, our notions of space break down.

when we push our bodies to the absolute limit, the links between our bodies and minds break down.

when we examine our consciousness deeply, our normal notions of the self, me, i, all break down.

i wonder why i seem to like finding out what happens at extremes, i've always considered myself a rather moderate person.

but truly, all the cool stuff happens at the extremes.

for whom do we sacrifice, and how much anyway?

would i give my life for... my kid? my spouse? my parents? my closest friend? my not-so-close friend? someone i barely know? some faceless poor person?

how do things change if we slide along the other axis - for whom would i give up... ten years delay of career advancement? 10% of life time earnings? three years of good health? a really nice vacation? a decent meal? an hour of time?

yes, it's only a thought experiment, but in some hypothetical situation that one would make up, how do you determine where you would draw the line?

course of action

reflect. plan. reflect again. do.

and, try to maximize the effort, and minimize the expectation.

why do i do these things to myself?

sometimes, decisions made under clear, rational thought do not seem so apparently clear and rational right after they're put in action. in fact, they seem masochistic, insane, and reckless.

running a marathon usually seems to be a fine idea. in the middle of a marathon, it seems to be a absolutely horrible idea. towards the end of a marathon, it becomes a better idea again. after finishing a marathon, it's definitely a great idea.

of course, crashing out of a marathon kind of sucks. that's when the letting go of expectations really comes in handy.

hindsight is the clearest, foresight is occasionally clear, the duringsight is the blurriest.

things i realize in 2010

just a quick list of some things i really did not realize ten years ago.

- it is possible to function in the world without one's entire being devoted to self-interest. there exists in the world certain people who really do not care for personal fame and fortune.

- vegetarians are not all that weird.

- consumer marketing is called that, precisely because they want us to consume more.

- the consciousness/mind/soul/body is a much-studied, gigantic and possibly unresolvable problem.

- a lot of people who are much smarter than me, and are better human beings than me, by any measure, make painfully little money. in fact, many struggle to make a living.

- there really is something called internal happiness/contentment/satisfaction.

what are the things i will realize ten years from now?

the lottery of life

some don't know there's a lottery going on.

some don't believe there's a lottery going on.

some people win. most think they deserve to win, through a combination of intelligence and hard work.

some people lose. most think the world has conspired to screw them, despite their intelligence and hard work.

some know it's a lottery, but we forget it's one.

non-bothering

don't bother anyone, don't impose your own beliefs, don't judge other people since you aren't them. they have their own life paths to take. their deities, their destinies, their karma, their random walks, their random interactions with matter and the physical laws of the universe.

is there a line when non-bothering becomes an excuse? the well-known problem of japanese and german soldiers who stood by while war atrocities were committed? what if we stand by and enjoy our nice lives while half our fellow humans live with less than HK$20 a day?

if we see violence towards another human being, do we try to stop it? what if that violence purportedly stops further violence? (e.g. if you could go back in time to kill hitler as a young child, do you do it?)

if we see people killing dogs, do we do anything? what about pigs? dolphins? mosquitoes?

when we don't take a moral stance, is that taking a moral stance?

what should be the general guidelines for non-bothering? is there another answer other than "societal norms"?

- bother if one is causing another bodily harm (this computer is quite possibly assembled and dismantled with hazardous exposure to the chinese worker)

- bother if one is causing himself/herself bodily harm (it's generally acknowledged we're destroying our world and our future generations will pay for it - does that count? does non-exercise count as self-harm?)

- bother if something blatantly immoral is going on (whose definition of morality? what constitutes extreme and blatant? killing hitler as mentioned above?)

- immediacy and proximity matters - how immediate and near does the thing have for us to want to step in and bother people?

perfect conditions

sometimes, i think i have the perfect conditions to write. a day of thinking, a late quiet night to myself, so i sit down with my little laptop.

then, things from nowhere start to distract me. there are much more important things than writing, aren't there?

when i try to get back to it, the mind is blank. any vaguely interesting thoughts have all disappeared. i get angry that i got distracted in the first place. my mind goes even blanker. another day passes, another goal missed. before long, the goal seems so far off i might as well give up.

it's easy to meditate in a cave, but infinitely harder to meditate in the middle of a busy life, though all the more important to do so. time to take myself to the next level and to start to write under any conditions. perhaps i need to remember that distractions are a given, peace and quiet the exception rather than the norm.

possimpible

as we get older, the universe of possibilities of things we can do gets smaller and smaller.

strange, it is not quite what we envisioned when we were younger.

but perhaps even more strangely, we realize there are things we can do we previously thought were impossible. as a kid, i thought i would like to be an astronomer but i never thought i could do a headstand.

so sometimes we forget, the list of impossible things that become possible actually does inch up. perhaps a bit more slowly, but it does go up.

exactly same things?

everyone is unique; no one is unique.

everything matters; nothing matters.

everything is high priority; nothing is high priority.

infinite hope; infinite despair; infinite apathy.

everything is pre-determined so nothing makes a difference;

everything is pre-determined so everything makes a difference.

the right way is my way

you need to read this book.

you need to take that class.

you need to learn from this teacher.

you need to do that exercise.

you need to stop being so defensive and accept.

you need to listen to me, because it's going to help you.

good intentions are nice, but it is almost always more telling of ourselves, the often narrow view we have the world, than what's actually good for others.

quantum mechanics

at some point, i really would like to better understand physics. at the quantum level, things seem to stop to make sense in the way we define our world, and "normal" laws seem to break down.

even the most basic paradoxes overwhelm me -

schrodinger's cat - things can be in a dual state at the same time? it can be both dead and alive?

double slit experiment - light is both a wave and a particle?

quantum entanglement - things are spatially apart but actually together, linked via some unseen dimension?

uncertainty principle - as soon as we observe things it changes the nature of the thing we are observing?

some of these concepts are popularized in "new age" books, indicating that science is now finally catching up what the ancients had known through deep thinking. things from history do surprise us, like the incredible antikythera, but to wave off modern scientific achievement as only proof of the probability and connectedness of all of us seems to oversimplify matters...

there's no need to dig so deep

i think, most people are reasonably satisfied that enjoying life is their process and their goal - some kind of life that is simply less stressful than the ones we have right now.

some deeper hidden meaning behind is simply not necessary.

how we get to our target life and preferred state of mind, we figure it out along the way, and stopping to think deeply about it isn't generally a preferred method. (no time, overwhelmed, nowhere to start, there's no point)

so, leave me alone! i'm fine. i'll figure it out. don't force me to contemplate things that i won't understand anyway, it's not going to help me at this moment.

we are faced with an infinite sea of choices. with that, it's easier to put on blinders on, and do what everyone else is doing, or do what we have already been doing all along, even though we're not sure if it's going to get us to where we would like to be.

when can't do something

pretend and keep going!

therefore i am

i think, therefore i am.

i feel, therefore i am.

i process thoughts, therefore i am.

i have an internal system, coded by factors before me (be it evolution itself or a creation of evolutionary beings) and that process facts heuristically, therefore i am.

look at me!

i am so cool.

i am so smart.

i am so successful.

i have so many superior achievements.

i have so many friends who comment on my facebook status updates.

i have so many people who respect me because i am so senior and experienced.

and the real questions are...

am i still in a school popularity contest?

what am i using my apparent "smartness" for?

remind me, what exactly is the big deal about success?

are these achievements really mine, isn't it only a matter of circumstances?

do i rely on these dopamine boosts to validate my existence on this floating rock in space?

do i treat everyone else with the even more genuine respect, because they deserve it more than me?

extreme cynicism

the poor Cynics - their originally philosophies have been totally forgotten, and people now equate cynicism with nihilism and tired negativity.

the classical Cynics rejected conventional notions of happiness involving money, power, and fame, and advocated a simple, virtuous, unmaterialistic life. the modern cynic (not much different from the nihilist) criticizes everything as pointless, and prefers to emphasize the futility of it all.

what if we took that thought to its logical extreme? that everything really is meaningless, and there is truly no purpose in life? is it really as bad as they say, and what does nietzsche actually mean when he said, "nihilism can be a symptom of increasing strength or of increasing weakness"?

if there is truly no purpose, then, we're just here to enjoy it to the best we can. hedonism perhaps? or is the human nature so notoriously good at getting bored, it eventually gets bored of constant pleasure? (ok though practically speaking, not that we are in any immediate danger of this...)

but taking the thought experiment further, the quest eventually becomes, given our respective situations, what gets us maximum enjoyment over the most time? given the uncertainty of how much time we have left, how do we go about this?

dreams are impractical

for a moment, assuming one has a dream in the first place... (could be a career, a hobby, a yoga pose, a marathon)

there are probably three levels of impracticality.

1. no one has ever done it before.

2. someone out there has done it. we read it in the news, hear about some amazing achievement after immense tribulations, we exclaim how incredible it is but think it's still impossible.

3. someone we know personally is doing it. suddenly, it doesn't seem so hard and distant. maybe, just maybe, i could do that too.

sometimes, the little shove is simply called "it's possible".

when we take that seemingly huge risk, we are creating possibilities, or at least making them more real, for the people around us.

when's too hard for us to bear, perhaps think about the ones who blazed the path before us. they thought the exact same thing.

if there was no one before us, well, perhaps think of the people after you who will give this a shot, because you did.

meaning of whose life?

once in a while, we'll come across the big question, "the meaning of life".

do we mean, the meaning of my life? why i exist, and what i'm supposed to do?

or, the meaning of life in general? including flowers, bacteria, and sushi? why does life exist at all, and do we believe in evolution or intelligent design?

though these are not mutually exclusive questions, one way to start might be to narrow down whose life we're trying to figure out.

what matters now

ever since i came across this document, have been trying to think about what i would actually put on it, if i had the chance to do it.

every example i thought of seemed not to be quite there.

- success in life (how much is required? can we have a more concrete definition?)

- action, not words (but if you haven't thought through it well, you're wasting your time)

- love and compassion (true, almost a bit of a cliche, but it is a bit vague and it sounds a bit too mushy for me)

- world peace (really a bit far removed from my day-to-day existence)

so, perhaps, self-reflection is what matters now. at the macro level, it is trying to understand ourselves, how we relate to this universe, and the point of our existence. at the day-to-day level, it is to reflect on what we are doing and whether that is in line with macro understanding.

yes, it is fluffy and non-specific and to a certain extent even encompasses all the possibilities above.

but actually, it's a lot easier than before. it's easier than ever to see how the great sages and contemporary philosophers and scientists thought about these questions that have been asked since humans started to ponder. the only hard part is finding the concentration and the time to digest these things and form our own opinions.

plants have feelings too

at some point i'll have to start somewhere with this, but to get started, here are the 10 most frequent questions/remarks when people find out i'm an aspiring vegetarian.

1. don't plants have feelings too? i read that they have rudimentary nervous systems. so when they prove that as well, are you going to just eat fruit?

2. you need to live your life and to enjoy it, and good food is one of the essential things in life. otherwise life has no point.

3. who says an animal feels pain the same way we do? no one knows.

4. a lot of people are going to be unemployed if we all become vegetarians. who's going to employ them?

5. that UN "long shadow" report has been disproved, so please spare me the environmental argument.

6. if the environment is so important, why do you drive? why do you turn on lights when it's unnecessary? can't you flush less and put up with a little smell?

7. if eating meat is so detrimental to our health, wouldn't we have heard about it by now? humans were born to eat meat - the caveman diet really works.

8. it's part of our culture and tradition to celebrate by eating [insert appropriate animal]. it's in our blood (really bad pun intended)

9. fruits and vegetables don't really prevent cancer, contrary to what you believe in. you will have some long term health problems from it, like vitamin B12 deficiencies.

10. my God, the one true God, created animals for my consumption. but since you're not going to heaven anyway, it doesn't matter and you wouldn't understand.

there are more here, but these ten are the ones i come across pretty often.

line of questioning

is what i'm doing making me a better person?

but stepping back, why do i want to be a better person?

who defines this "better" and who is the judge of that?

who says i will feel better if i pursue this strategy of being a "better" person?

if i'm doing "bad", but feeling is all in the mind as they say, i should be able to feel "better" regardless of whatever i'm doing?

aren't we all shaped by our respective cultures, upbringing, and socioeconomic status, so there can't be some "universal good"?

who says true feeling has to be good, rather than evil? is "good" an entirely social construct? or is compassion biologically rooted in mirror neurons?

can a society of psychopaths (i.e. people who are unable to feel shame, guilt, or remorse) function entirely on pure self-interest with no regard to others - can all this self-interest cancel each other out and drive progress? is altruism simply a darwinian and cultural by-product driven by non-zero games? (and hence necessarily exists?)

dreams and basic needs

let's for a moment assume we are among the lucky ones on the planet, with our current basic basic needs of food, water, shelter fulfilled. (no matter how smart or talented we are, if we were born in say zimbabwe, our chances of having basic basic needs are not so high).

our next goals become i) improving our basic basic needs to some appropriate level that satisfies our perceived basic needs, ii) securing a future, or some kind of guarantee that our perceived basic needs will continue to be fulfilled, and perhaps iii) rainy day money/resources for the yet-to-be-determined disaster.

then, we move on to satisfying our "actual" needs, nicely shaped by the 3,000 ads we are exposed to every day.

so how basic are our basic needs? what about our basic basic needs? how low can we go? what is the bare minimum? the bare bare minimum?

now, juxtaposing this against some particular dream we have (assuming for now it's not owning a ferrari or some equivalent). usually something we'd pursue when money was no longer an issue. there are two ways to satisfy the money problem. the first way is to make lots of it, to reach the mythical level of having "FU money". the second way is to find satisfaction in our true basic needs, as opposed to our "actual" needs. it is entirely possible that the former is easier for some of us.

if that dream requires large amounts of capital, then the added task is to find others who share your dream. if we truly are living on the bare minimum - we're actually giving ourselves a better chance of making that dream a reality.

but of course, we don't want our families to suffer. yes, we want the best for them. isn't it selfish to try to achieve whatever grand goal we have at the expense of their welfare, especially if you are the breadwinner of the family?

well, what about a conversation? what about their dreams? would you be willing to live on the bare minimum to fulfill their dreams?

non sibi

this is kind of a weird coincidence, and i realized this, exactly, only in the last five minutes. there are three mottoes on the emblem of my high school, those being:

"non sibi" - not for oneself

"finis origine pendet" - the end depends on the beginning

"Χάριτι Θεου"- by the grace of god

in particular, non sibi was this motto that was constantly repeated. yet, this memory has never been jogged in the last fifteen odd years, until just now. memories are strange things.

this is not for yourself

well, it kind of is. i started this particular blog, writing for this particular brain-based entity otherwise known as myself - writing to clear my thoughts, to figure out if i could possibly be a "reasonably good" person, to figure out the meaning of life, the meaning of meaning.

of course, things are going get in the way. sometimes, circumstances simply don't allow me to write every day, and i'll get angry and depressed. other times, i'll stare at the screen, typing out words that simply are not conveying what i'm trying to say. or, i don't know what i'm trying to say and typing is not helping. still other times, only destructive thoughts come to mind and trying to be good is the absolutely last thing on my mind.

work. phone calls. emergencies. girlfriend. anything that interrupts me and my task of figuring out everything in life. yes, i even understand the logic behind the theory that "true understanding" would entail maintaining calm and figuring how all these interruptions (obvious facts of life) fit into this grand theory.

the only issue is the theory is not very grand at all and has long been figured out. it's the application thereof that's a bitch.

the simple theory is: this is not for yourself.

no, i have no idea who it's for, but it definitely cannot be for myself. it's the only way to sustain this blog, and, somewhat ironically, to stay sane.

giving up

sometimes, i really want to give up. i mean, seriously give up, not like a theoretically give up.

give up on this blog.

give up on all these people who annoy me.

give up on difficult relationships.

give up on whatever aim i set out to achieve.

give up all these things that are troubling me and forget that there is any chance i might make the tiniest difference.

just step away from it all, to do what? i don't know, just to get away from it all. just anything to get away from the feeling of a thousand shit-made needles pricking me. yes, i know, i'm very fortunate and blessed and all that kind of stuff, but actually sometimes there simply seems to be no room for that kind of appreciation in my brain. i understand it logically, but i can't feel it.

of course, giving up only brings a whole new set of problems, possibly better, but probably worse. just the nature of how life tends to work.

which means, i may need to give up the idea of giving up.

obviously

when people are "obviously stupid", "obviously wrong", "obviously a piece of shit", we forget sometimes that's us.

when it's us, it wasn't that obvious, actually. and even if it was, we had reasons that others just weren't able to understand at the time.

we all need to work on our own things.

so obvious, so overused, yet still true.

definitions of progress

first assuming progress is a good thing... (for most of us, "better" is more desirable than "good", at least until one sees through the illusion of reality, achieves enlightenment, etc etc, i.e. any of the higher level things that i don't get yet)

so, what are the aspects that we can progress on?

material - more earthly possessions

physical body - healthier body

knowledge - understanding the things that make the world tick

wisdom - gaining through age and experience, particularly from bad ones

morality - hurt less people, and if possible, help more people

the spirit - this, i can only imagine the result - the almost mythical sense of true, constant peace.

demoralization vs inspiration

it's really easy to get demoralized.

it's really hard to get inspired.

and the extension of this...

it's really easy to demoralize other people.

and it's really hard to inspire other people.