these things i wish to have - anything from personal time to youth to freedom - for whatever reason, there comes a point when it gets taken away, or i lose it, or i can't have it, or it's out of reach. and i can't accept this new reality.
all my life, i strive for things, i don't accept things. i mean, who wants to settle? a little voice in me tells me, if all these things happen, this thing i want, i can still have it. acceptance is just not cool. i'm fighting tooth and nail not to get there. the weird thing is, i suppose, if and when i finally arrive there, it's not too terrible. and i may even wonder why i struggled so hard not to get there. but maybe such true acceptance is a myth. i'll never be able to rationalize my regrets away.
but there are degrees of acceptance and non-acceptance. things don't have to be absolutely one way or another.
and this non-acceptance is a just part of the deal, part of the road. the key is to parse out the struggle - am i struggling against reality, or am i struggling against my acceptance of reality?
struggle against reality = worth the trouble; struggle against acceptance of reality = not so smart.
maybe, one day, when i've finally come to terms with things, in the words of my good friend, i will also see that "it is so tragic that i find it funny".
