every day, i'm searching for something i might write about. there are always little snippets that might be interesting. then i remember... i've gone over that topic before, or that's too common sense and pointless, or there's no way for me to explain this coherently, or this has too many layers of argument to think through and i'm just tired.
but this constant search does seem to be changing things, bit by bit.
every time my emotions go whack, i wonder about the state of things that got me there, and if this particular instance is going to provide myself with something to write. all of a sudden, the focus goes from "i'm so angry" to "can i write about this?" to "hmm... so what exactly is making my brain angry?"
bit by bit, my anger shifts to the viewpoint of a curious observer. at the same time, i wonder if i'm too concerned about writing about the particular instance, than actually experiencing the moment itself? isn't it normal to feel emotions, if i coldly overanalyze, am i minimizing my human soul? what about all the exhortations about living life with passion? i.e., we can't think happiness, we can only feel happiness?
so far, fortunately, my self-experiment is telling me this is not the case.
positive emotions actually don't interest me much (despite my goal of not being annoyed, announcing that "i love my life" is possibly one of the most annoying things ever, even to myself). so i seem to be mostly interested in observing the not-so-fun aspects of life.
the sense of curiosity extends beyond thinking about thinking, which is incredibly taxing. (so this dispassionate viewpoint seems to kick in only when i need it). when things are neutral, i find myself simply more curious about things. i don't know quite know what kind of emotion it is, it's definitely not a negative one, neither is it a highly positive one. it's more a "wow, that's cool" kind of thing.
so are things now passionless and i lead an empty existence? i have no idea, but i seem to feel generally more alive than i ever have been (yet increasingly less concerned about death). and still, i have no idea how to gel these obvious contradictions.
some teachings state that a realization of the nature of emptiness, i.e. there is no immutable independent essence, is the same realization of the intrinsic inter-relation of all entities, and thus the impermanence and ludicrousness of independent existence and viewpoints - which then leads to a better understanding of non-attachment.
a long way of trying to understand who, exactly, is observing the observer.
