perhaps what i desire, at the end of the day, is to feel relatively superior. to other people, to my old self, to whoever it might be. in many ways, some way, or at least one way. it might be hardwired in my brain, it might not.
money is a huge recurring theme in my life. if i make it big, from my own efforts (or at least perceived to be my own efforts), then i get respected by a certain group of people. by other people who wish they could be rich as well. by other similarly rich and powerful people, and you can hang with them to feel similarly rich and powerful. that way, you can feel constantly superior. in hong kong, money does get you respect. you get on magazine covers, you get interviewed on TV, you get placed on a nice pedestal.
now if i devote to the "saving the world" stuff. i will probably get some respect from the people who i manage to help somehow (and perhaps not, as many social workers will tell us), but these are people who never get covered by the news, never go to cool parties, and frankly, are not the vaunted "movers and shakers" of the world. sure, some of them "make it", but most of them have no interest in this. they don't have some burning desire to be the "best altruist of 2009" and get a plaque for it.
i am somewhat lucky in that i could potentially access the rich and powerful and hence become one of them, and get the respect that i'm this really smart and successful person that i crave. but, what is the point of this, remind me again?
