there's always wastage

i'm deathly frightened of wastage. if i had the choice, i'd try to make every minute of my life productive, by my traditional definitions anyway. being productive involves doing things. sitting around, meditating, day dreaming, or staring at my laptop for hours would not fit in this productivity definition.

i just don't want to fall behind in life. fall behind who? my millionaire banker friends? my ultra-smart friends who are on the cutting edge of researching the cosmos? my spiritual friends who have realized the nature of the universe?

of course, no matter how fast i race ahead or how far i fall behind, we do end up the same place eventually.

but the nature of the current quest necessarily means there will be lots of hours spent staring blankly into space, getting caught in looping dead-end unconclusions. it's a cost of cajoling things out of apparent nothingness, a cost of doing business with the mind.