the nature of meaning

to continue to beat this meaning horse to death...

meaning for different people are obviously really different. some people like to save dolphins, others like to build orphanages. some devote their lives to creating change in the public eye, others prefer to retreat into a cave to meditate for the rest of their lives.

so is leading a meaningful life a physiological reaction that makes us feel warm and fuzzy? and why do people seek meaning in the first place? (we generally don't, there are too many things to do and too many distractions). but, we generally assume we're here for a reason. just because i can't understand it this moment doesn't mean my life is meaningless. plenty of people depend on me, and i depend on a lot of people. isn't that meaning enough already?

but is there a greater meaning, a macro-level meaning, beyond the day-to-day that i need to get up to go to work so i can finish that project so i can get my salary so i can eat so i can feed my family so i can pay rent so i won't starve so i won't die. not yet at least, since i have all these other things i need to do. sure, none of that matters after i die, but since i'm not dead, i still need to get up to go to work.

is there an ultimate reason for my existence? if it doesn't impact my daily life, why am i still looking for it?

alternatively, could we exist happily knowing our lives are devoid of what i regard as meaning? get that warm fuzzy feeling, while realizing life's inherent meaninglessness, freed from the bondage of having to search for meaning? can this trickle down to the feeling of freedom on a day-to-day basis?

how do i gel the deep contradiction of knowing there is no true freedom and yet that is supposed to set us truly free?

the paradox of possibilities

today's technology, advertisements, and news headlines lead to one important conclusion - the world is full of infinite possibilities.

ironically, no matter how many more possibilities i will read and hear about, some limits haven't changed - the number of years i have left, the hours i have in a day, the number of things i can do. the denominator is ever increasing, but the numerator stays the same.

choice is empowering, because it is a luxury and i can write my own destiny. i can decide what seeds to sow and what fruits to harvest.

and choice is agonizing, because, in relation to the ever-expanding universe of possibilities, the limits of what i can do become painfully obvious. at the moment of decision, the consequences can never be foreseen. and i don't know if a storm will wipe out the entire crop.

which is why, it is weirdly comforting to remember that actual control over things is an illusion at best.

how do i find direction in life?

the key is still to find ourselves, however which way we see this "self" of ours.

yes, there's the usual finding our passion, finding what we're good at, finding god.

but even before all that - we need to strip things out. what happens when we have nothing to lean on? all the things i'm proud of, all the sources of my ego, all the things i love, what happens when they're gone? (and lest we forget, they will all be gone, it's just a matter of time).

the more we strip away, even through thought experiments, the closer we might get to the essence of our being. people call it the void, core love, spiritual heart, it doesn't matter.

what we're looking for, is just the barest of what we deem as existence. all things originate from there. all sorts of directions in life are several levels above this barest level.

we have to take a good, honest look at this - this thing i call "i", without all the extra stuff around it.

only then, can our directions start to make any sense.

the holy shit moment

online definition of holy shit: an exclamation of surprise or disbelief, usually occurring when shocked or awed at something extremely amazing.

i'm still grasping the edges of what it means to be spiritual, feel spiritual, get in touch with our inner spirit, be absorbed into the greater human spirit.

the closest i get to these moments are ones when i feel a combination of awe, smallness, connection to something larger, and in short, a moment when i can't help by exclaim "holy shit!" and a host of other swear words. with all due respect to relevant deities.

i feel it when i see extreme beauty in nature, watch a film that seems to reverberate with my being, witness an inspirational act of incredible courage. i also feel it in the middle of deep meditation.

in these times, there's no other word to describe the sensation, other than, "holy shit!". i could say i'm inspired, i'm moved, but the truth is i feel there is some true reality i have managed catch a glimpse of. something that transcends, that is greater than myself.

and i wonder, if this is the so-called brief touch with the real truth, the inner void, the higher self, the cosmic consciousness, the supreme divinity, or whatever people call it? or is it just some random physiological reaction?

everyone's life is cooler than mine

sometimes i think the world i inhabit is composed of neverending movie trailers. everyone's most exciting moments are on full display. every moment, someone else is doing something way more exciting than what i'm doing.

i seem to have forgotten that the people who are doing the really cool things, they aren't sitting around and reading what cool things other people are doing. they're too busy making things happen. silently, consistently, one step by one step.

(now, not that being cool should matter at all, but that's another matter for another day)

i'm right, you're wrong

in conflicts and disagreements, the need to be right, even when i don't say it, is probably one of my biggest sources of frustration.

it sometimes even gets to a point that it no longer matters if i'm actually right or wrong. i just need to feel that i am right, my entire life and sanity depends on it and it becomes my singular focus.

the only way out of this mess is to remember there is no true i. the larger the i, the deeper hole i dig myself into, regardless of the outcome. the smaller the i, the less important the rightness or wrongness of the whole matter is.

wisdom of my teachers

sometimes, i forget, my teachers in life are also human.

they too went through their dark times, whatever those may be, to get to where they are now. and they can now guide me not because they were born teachers, but because of what they have gone through.

most of the time, i take for granted that they had somehow mysteriously and automatically acquired this knowledge and wisdom.

life chasms might perhaps be seen as gym exercises and building blocks for that intangible thing - the thing we can never quite put our finger on, and yet we're certain to somehow exist.

there is no point

there is no point trying to improve sometimes, when the goal post is so far.

yes, i know, we are supposed to progress step-by-step, over the course of many lives, to slowly reach nirvana.

maybe there really is no point.

all i can do really, is calm myself down, and upon realizing that it really doesn't matter, move forward and do some routine things that will hopefully make me feel a tad better.

no, the hard things that take immense mental energy aren't going to go away. but unless i truly calm myself down, those things will take ten times that mental energy.

so calm down. or do something that calms me down.

nature of advice

advice is a weird thing. i usually get lots when i don't need it, but when i am actually seeking some, it's nowhere to be found. or it seems that no one truly understands my dilemma and hence whatever advice i hear seems to be something i've already thought about.

but am i really asking for advice, or am i shopping for agreement, looking for encouragement with whatever it is i have already decided on?

something to bear in mind when i'm attempting to give other people advice.

beyond

beyond a certain level, there are no more right or wrong answers.

there's a simple path to be walked, deep truth to be experienced, and an inner self to be realized.

pies for everyone

simplifying our community into a whole bunch of pies, am i -

- eating more than i need?

- still thinking of how i can get and save up more pies, in case of the rainy day, even though it's already raining like hell elsewhere already?

- reprocessing and repackaging the pies, reselling at better prices? hey, if people are buying it, that's all it counts?

- growing food so there can be more pies?

- thinking of how to bake a better pie?

- better distributing pies so less goes to waste, and somehow getting those extra pies to people who don't have any?

- somehow getting pie over-eaters to consider being pie-builders instead?

- somehow helping to build an infrastructure that gives more people a chance to at least have some pie?

defining labels

when does a person who does yoga become a yogi?

when does a person who runs become a runner?

when does a person who writes become a writer?

when does a person who teaches become a teacher?

when do we define our labels and our professions, and when do they define us?

the inevitable avalanche

by now, i have reasonably good evidence that every time i finish something that could be considered some sort of achievement, not very good things happen.

once the nice, clear-cut goal is done, what replaces it instead is the massive avalanche of all the other things i've been putting off. everything has suddenly become the top priority, all at the same time. afterall, i've been putting them off, and now it's finally a good time to deal with them, right? there are simply no more excuses. but which one? how is it possible that there are so many things to do now, all of utmost urgency?

the point is, i shouldn't have procrastinated in the first place. especially now i know for a fact that things almost always go bad after these "achievements". there's probably a 24-hour window, at best 48 hours, and that's that. nothing to see here, let's move on.

so, what to do with myself after these "things".

- don't be paralyzed. first, do the things i had previously promised others to do. they have probably been waiting for a heck of a long time already.

- secondly, remember to be grateful to all those people who supported me in this thing, whatever it is.

- thirdly, self-development takes a backseat here. make sure my livelihood is still in place, or at least, sort it out asap. no money, no talk.

- and yes, remember not to procrastinate in the first place. things that need to be done have to be done.

fatigue and entertainment

i'm always wondering when people will get really tired of the constant noise of "sponsor me!" "help me on this worthy cause!" "i'm doing good, support me and you will feel good too!". there really is only so much noise people can take before they start tuning out, and then i've lost them for good.

perhaps one way to sustain interest is via entertainment. those little quick 15 second hits that people like, and less the long form ones, even though arguably the latter ones are much more important. but in this day and age, people simply prefer to spend an hour staring at their facebook feeds rather than reading a good book. there are certainly some interesting articles being shared, but it's not exactly the focus.

so maybe, there is a more intimate link between these things and entertainment afterall.

consistency

doing new, exciting, difficult things are not too bad the first couple of times.

consistency, if it matters that is, is always the truly hard part.

and with that, comes a deeper understanding that somehow emerges.

the starting line

at the starting line of a hundred kilometers, there's no way to know for sure that i will finish.

thankfully, there's still the practice from before, and the mind (and minds) there for support.

or, more simply, the knowledge that i'll be ok, somehow.

crossing paths

i always find it amazing how our paths cross given the uncountable possibilities. on one hand, if you throw six billion entities on a planet, of course their paths are going to cross. on the other, i have become what i am because of all these encounters. i can still feel some of the footprints of these encounters, even though some of the actual memories of who and where have long faded...

making us look bad

evil is no good, but too good is a problem too. it is kind of an interesting state of things that being "too good" can backfire.

not that it's an problem for me any time soon, but it's worth keeping in mind that some apparently reasonable level of goodness may be easiest to swallow for most.

explanations are futile

i always struggle how much i should explain things to people. the issue is not even that i'm right or wrong, it's just that sometimes things get a bit technical or a bit "out there" and a lot of people start tuning out.

perhaps, certain explanations are better done via actual actions.

two things

if things get overwhelming, perhaps try narrowing down to two things.

one, to get myself in decent enough shape, be it money or health.

two, to do something for others, with little or none regard to the former.

if it's too confusing to choose within these two large categories, just pick any, and it doesn't matter what it is. as long it's in that direction.

quality from quantity

it turns out, with regard to neurons, which are no different in humans or in flies, "with enough quantity, you generate quality".

which is also a brute-force way to do things. we could also give it a nicer name, e.g. constant practice. it's not pretty, but it still works, much more times than we think it might.

mind trick

sometimes, i fret whether all the different practices are just all a trick of the mind, and someday, i'll wake up and see the cold, desolate truth.

strangely, the ultimate trick is to realize it really is empty.

this is definitely one weird trick of the mind.

how good or how evil are they?

when we see other people selling their souls for money, fame, or otherwise, we might just be too quick to judge, without knowing their true intent.

when we see other people extolling virtues and selflessness, we might just be too quick to judge, without knowing their whole story.

time can usually tell. people are rarely as good or as evil as we think they might be.

but the key point isn't even how good or how evil they are. the key point is whether we're learning from their good points, whether it's 1% of them or 99% of them. not to mention there's lots to learn from their less-than-good points, as more often then not, it's just a mirror to us.

too far, too close

if i stand too close, it's hard to see the big picture and how it fits altogether.

if i stand too far, it's hard to see the critical details.

the challenge is to examine things from close and far perspectives. (and also, to remember the nature of the act of observing.)

spirituality and wisdom

a slightly different way of phrasing my high school's motto of "goodness and knowledge" - is "spirituality and wisdom".

spirituality, for whatever reason, has always made me cringe a little. to some extent, the same for goodness. maybe it really is an age thing, though what confuses me sometimes is the teenagers who want to save the world are often the same ones who think being a bad ass is cool.

spirituality perhaps is simply realizing there is something greater out there, something we can't quite put a finger on. it might be god, it might be the four forces, it might be energy (real or imagined). it's that intimate yet awesome feeling that we are part of something larger, larger than our communities, larger than mankind.

spiritualism without wisdom is blind belief. wisdom without spiritualism? perhaps i just haven't walked far enough?

abundance

my teacher is making this quite a bit easier.

abundance does not have to be a bad thing - it allows us to share things that we otherwise could not share.

over-abundance is another matter, when we are have possessions that are multiples of multiples of what others have.

perceptibility

an economist article, commenting on discreet changes in financial regulations, remarked that "the subtle gravitational influence of the moon is imperceptible to humans yet is able to move oceans".

on a day-to-day basis, the larger forces of the cosmos are imperceptible, yet it doesn't mean they don't exist. but, what about spiritual energies, do they exist? or are they simply creations of mankind's imaginative mind?

in some ways, my perception is my reality anyway? as quantum physics tells us, the observer and the system being observed are linked, and objective perception is an illusion?

the things we realize

my teacher today shared with us, that he can only teach things he has realized, not things he believes.

the things we realize - are the ones that we learn from the long slog of life, uncountable mistakes and dead-ends, and deep self-reflection.

much as i might try to read things from books, learn from other people's experiences, i have to do the work, to walk my own path of realization.

it's a lonely path at times, but the further along i walk, the more i realize that there have been many people in my life who have come and gone, and who have generously given directions as to where i should tread. only that i had never noticed before.

types of dreams

too often, in the course of our lives, we witness the slow death of our dreams and the agonizing drone of reality. my dreams are wild and various, but the pains of reality remain much the same.

there's the kind of dream where i spend the rest of my life on a beach, and there's the kind i'm able to do something that's actually something.

as time goes by, we seem to only remember the first type of dreams.

far as the idealistic kind of dreams might be removed from reality, once in a while, something comes up to remind me that the pursuit, regardless of the outcome, is still worthwhile.

things that come in drips

fitness

knowledge

savings

relationships

authenticity

credibility

the list could go on, and, i should include the opposite of all those things as well. isn't that everything in life though?

it's impossible to work on all these things at the same time - but which way am i dripping today?

a hundred things

i think i must have a hundred things to do, and a hundred different ways to do each thing.

too often, i gravitate to the things that require the least mental energy. like the tiny electron seeking the lowest energy band, is there some equivalent psychological law out there that states that over the long run, we seem to seek laziness, if we can? i hope not.

funny, i don't believe focusing and thinking hard really burns that many calories. yet, it seems to be harder than anything else in the world sometimes.

較簡單的問題

阿輝概嘆窮的問題比較簡單，有錢的問題太復雜。

也許，如果有多個錢的話，就不用擔心太復雜的問題，反而擔心一下別人比較簡單的問題？

mental strength

really is almost everything.

ok, luck is much more important. but we can't control it.

but mental strength is really the only thing, that we might be successful in convincing ourselves that we have control over.

freedom of possessions

usually, the older we get, the more possessions we gain, the less freedom we have.

shouldn't it be the other way?

that we realize the less possessions we need, and the more freedom we feel?

of course i will still have responsibilities to my family and close ones. those responsibilities are here to stay regardless.

but what about those things that i somehow desire? do they increase or decrease my feelings of freedom - might that be a better judge of its usefulness?

why do i still go on?

sometimes my friends think i enjoy running, i enjoy yoga, and various sorts of masochistic physical activities. sure, i do sometimes. but a lot of times, more often than not, i have to drag myself there. five minutes into the practice or training, i'd like to quit. i'm wondering why i still go on.

a little voice in my head tells me, the marginal benefit of this one practice is not going to make a difference in the long run. another one tells me that nothing i do is really controlled by me, so it's quite ok to succumb to the temptation to be lazy. it's not really my fault.

since rarely can i simply enjoy the process for the process, i can only come up with random mental tricks to drown out the thoughts i'd like to be rid of.

drip, drip, drip. there are somethings where shortcuts are available, and somethings where there are no shortcuts. there is no shortcut for getting a sub-4 hour marathon and the full splits.

it gets better. the beginning is always the worst. keep going. what i do on those bleary days of pure lethargy, turns out to be 10x more important and effective as our "good days".

more pain now, less pain later.

there's no time. no time to consider and reflect "why". the problem at hand is "how". to get through this thing, somehow.

seven questions

assuming for a moment, that at some point in future, i have no immediate concerns for food and accommodation...

what truly matters?

am i seeking the knowledge to find out what truly matters?

have i gone through my own vetting process, pushing my own arguments to the limits, to see if i can be convinced if these things matter? (and to stop myself from looping into an existential abyss)

so, am i doing something that matters?

practically speaking, is this sustainable at the moment?

if it's possibly not, what am i doing to improve its odds?

if i am doing something that matters, am i ensuring that my ego does not get in the way?

what do you want to do?

the more appropriate question for myself is, what is it that i would like to do, at the expense of the myriad of other things that i could do?

bets have to be placed. there will be things that get sacrificed.

as they say, we might be able to do anything in life, but definitely not everything in life.

giving vs thinking

this article reminded me that: "giving is easy. thinking can be a lot harder."

giving doesn't require me to think much - there's a crisis, i react to it. i make a nice donation, conscience problem solved. doesn't take much effort.

thinking is exhausting. might not get anywhere. opened up to criticism. that's why other people are doing it.

just like that, the distribution and efficiency problem gets swept under the table...

back to earth

those painful, tedious things that will simply not go away, no matter what the future holds, no matter if i get enlightened, no matter if i win the lottery?

those to-dos that will still be there after i've cleared my mailbox, reorganized my room, thrown away tons of useless crap?

it's time to do them.

trailwalker 2010

another year, another trailwalker, another 100km of blisters and cramps!

(oh yes, and another birthday today too. yet another year older, but not wiser)

in light of this fact, i decided to look around for stuff relating to oxfam trailwalker's efforts against poverty. so, i came across a statistic that 22,000 kids die every day from poverty and hunger, far removed from the attention of the world. and frankly, in today's world of desensitizing stats, even this no longer seems to be eye-catching news.

but using my trusty excel spreadsheet, i quickly calculated that out of these 22,000 kids, assuming things average out, 60 of these kids are having their birthdays today too, just like me.

i paused, for once. i mean, it's their birthday today!!

but these kids are dying... on their birthdays.

****

the world poverty problem is not going to be easily solved. there's not even a way to find out who these 60 kids are. but still, the trailwalker, once a year, allows me a little time to think about the good fortune i'm enjoying.

i do hope you will support oxfam's efforts to reduce poverty around the world by sponsoring our team!

a big THANK YOU in advance!

purity of intention

for almost anything i do, i can't help myself considering my various ulterior intentions. i wonder what i will personally gain from it. will this help me land a better job in future? will this make me a cooler person? will i have a better next-life?

the truly authentic people out there, how do they manage to do things simply for the sake of doing? where does their pure, unadulterated intention come from?

i think at my current stage, for the things i wish to really be selfless about, the only thing i can do is to make it as hard as possible for myself to gain anything, to be as anonymous as possible. to hopefully at least make my intentions a little less murky.

why would anyone read this?

if this was written by someone random, would i personally read it?

probably not.

i can't imagine being interested in someone's random and inconclusive musings on random topics. i definitely don't need anyone tell me what to think, what to question, how to be happy, how to be a good person. i know already. i don't have the time to do it, but i certainly could if i wanted to.

there are enough idealistic, self-righteous and wannabe spiritualists around. good job. thanks, but no thanks. i live in the real world. it sure isn't an illusion to me.

for all my intentions of summarizing this in a more readable format to possibly share with more people, it doesn't matter, since i, like all people, only read what i like to read. even attempting to imagine myself as some third person audience is bordering on impossible, since i, as an objective observer, just probably wouldn't be interested.

what if i lost my memory and had to re-start my life? at whatever age i woke up at, can i re-read my blog (or the to-be-created summarized version), knowing that in some distant past, i had written it as truthfully as i could to myself?

in the hope that this no-memory me might tread through life with a little less pain and suffering?

probable destiny

if quantum physics are to be referenced, our lives are probably governed by probabilities rather than absolutes. i know where i'll end (as dust), how i get there is difficult to say. or perhaps impossible, even by the machine will be able to reproduce every atom.

yet, knowledge about the inherent probabilities, crude as they maybe, changes the pathways too.

so can i change my destiny?

or, rather, is the appropriate question, can i change the probabilities of my destiny by learning more about the probabilities themselves?

this time it's different

the cycles never cease, but my memories of them fade away.

analysis vs impulse

what do i regret more: things that go bad after careful thought, or on pure impulse?

what do i enjoy more: things that go right after careful thought, or on pure impulse?

after careful analysis, i should be able come up with a number of bad scenarios, and hence lessen the negative emotional impact when things go south. but since i can somewhat expect things (and they might appear to be more under my control), both the level of regret and enjoyment would seem to be on a smaller scale.

consequences of impulse seem to feel either damn good or damn bad.

of course, not that we can ever tell how things will go. when things go bad, i could have, would have, and should have.

the answer grid

i think, to any tough question, there are a few types of answers.

e.g., how do you find meaning in life?

short level 1 - they exhort me to take a certain attitude/action and i will figure it out through this attitude/action. e.g., meaning comes from compassion.

short level 2 - they sound really deep, or simple, or useless, all at once. when i locate my true self, i will locate my purpose and meaning in life.

short level 3 - they might sound depressing but they're actually true. e.g. meaning is an illusion. deal with it.

long level 1 - an extended list of stories and things to do at the practical level. the emphasis is on action, and less so on too much thinking.

long level 2 - an exploration of the myriad of possibilities, the number of paths, loops, dead-ends might even become overwhelming. this is the great fog before next level. so easy to get lost here.

long level 3 - the answers are in some ways unexplainable via words, and the only way is to "feel" the answers. we need all these little stories and analogies to indirectly remind ourselves, or perhaps, to create an illusion on top of an illusion.

and of course, we don't get to choose which level we're at. i go up sometimes, i crash down a lot of times.

change really is hard

even on a practical level, the real change is knowledge and wisdom. i can only change what people know, not what people do.

even when i know, i might not do.

and on top, i often forget what i already knew.

those small things

those small things for me, at least. for now. and don't know why either, it just kind of happened via this overall process. and subject to change or regress any time, as i often find out.

- life seems more colorful, more vivid.

- bad emotions seem to go away a lot quicker than before.

- fear is becoming a rare emotion.

- i don't know if i'm happier, but that doesn't bother me much anymore.

- a little less affected by things i can't control.

- a little better at being grateful for the things i appear to control.

one of the harder things to do now is continuing to believe in my own willpower. which i know is extremely useful, yet, getting chipped away by all this realization. fortunately, it can be nicely replaced by fearlessness. of course, i still have to be careful, and i need to somehow trick myself about somethings to fear and somethings not to fear.

is it obvious?

isn't it obvious? that our reality is a particular illusion perceived by us? and we have no clue what the underlying reality is, except it's definitely not this one?

is it already obvious to everyone, but since we can't do anything about it, we just revert to our usual lives? shouldn't some small things change, at the very least?

maybe the illusion is obvious only when i think about it. otherwise, i will simply forget. the illusion is too strong and too comfortable most of the time. and it is important to remember, since knowing it offers a bit more peace of mind than not knowing it.

which is why i still need to somehow draw up a map for myself, so i can remember the path through this mind mess i have been wading through.

it's all been done before

of course.

it's just that i haven't done it yet.

the future me is different

because i will have become rich, i can do the things i really want to do.

because i will have bought this nice shirt/gadget/apartment, i will enjoy every day more.

because i will have finished this blog, i will be a reasonably good and happy person.

because i will be dead, i won't be much concerned with anything at all.

the trick, of course, is to self-generate the delusion, referencing the appropriate time-frame, that is just good enough so i can get through my present.

meaning of meaning?

a lot of times, i seem to be drowning in a maelstrom of contradictions. i seem to have thought so much about things, but am no closer, and perhaps only realize how far i am. there doesn't seem to be a good way to even coherently outline what i have learned about the big questions.

meaning, in a way, is very human issue. why? but why ask? because, there's something i thought of, and i don't know the answer to. there's a gap in my knowledge, and i won't be comfortable until i find out.

discovering meaning, perhaps, is a tool for us to feel good. our search for meaning (general or specific) is involuntary, coded in our genes. it goes away sometimes, but if we're not satisfied with the answer, it always comes back.

finding meaning, in the specific sense, is something we are familiar with. we want to know why the sun rises in the east, we locate the explanation, then we get the "aha" feeling of understanding the issue, the puzzle. we now know - an emotional response we know so intimately.

finding meaning, in the general sense, is considerably more difficult. it simply does not come in a nicely-wrapped package. the deeper we dig, the more confusion and emptiness we find. one man's meaningful life could be another's wasted one. and unlike questions of sunrise, there is no philosophical agreement out there on the meaning of life.

what i forget, is that finding meaning is an emotional desire, and what we wish for is the "aha". but it is an emergent sensation, and will never come a single, digestible definition. the real task is to get the conditions to be right, rather than to fall too deep into an intellectual labyrinth.

not enough old ladies who cross the street

everyday kindness is hard. sometimes there don't seem to be that many old ladies crossing the streets anymore.

perhaps, lowering standards by a tad, can i at least, try to make someone, random or otherwise, have an unexpected smile? so, i might be able to have one myself?

paying attention

just now, i was reminded of one small act, meaning nothing to me almost twenty years ago, had somehow stuck in the mind of a friend. fortunately, it was an inadvertent act of kindness, rather than some typical teenage careless insult. i wonder, if blackberries or iphones existed then, and they had been randomly buzzing, whether i would have given the same undivided attention to her plight.

i don't know. but i do know that i'm diseased with short attention spans, multi-tasking tendencies, and an unsatiable approval-seeking ego (truly a sad state of things when they seem to somehow come in the form of likes and comments).

but i do need to pay attention. not just cursory politeness. not only to close friends and family, but to every person that i interact with, and as much as possible. despite the deluge of everything in our lives, genuine care stands out like a beacon. when we really listen, we understand things we may not otherwise understand. it is different, and people will be better for it, whether we know it now or later.

as said by one of my favorite teachers, "paying attention is enormous. not only does it have a profound effect now, but an enduring effect on a once-upon-a-time teenager who recalls what you did years later."

what for?

so, what is this blog for? what am i for? what is anything for?

almost all people that i know...

get through life fine, without having to ponder whether life has a meaning.

find plenty of joy and happiness in their lives, without having to mull over human nature, freewill and destiny.

are reasonably happy as it is, quickly get over temporary moments of dissatisfaction, without having to determine if we have a higher soul or if we are just an animated jumble of neurons.

sure there's some pain and suffering in the world, but life goes on, and perhaps there's really not as much pain and suffering as i imagine there might be. human beings are remarkably adaptive, after a while, things become ok one way or another.

so why the heck am i devoting this inordinate time towards writing this blog? to stick to this random little goal i set out for myself, to do 365 entries this year?

with ninety-nine entries left to write, am i a slightly better person, as per my initial premise? am i a slightly happier person? am i being ridiculous in trying so hard, going to such extremes? shouldn't it come naturally? just "be" happy? i mean, most of my friends cannot even fathom why i would be interested in such unsolvable philosophical questions. sure, good for you, but i have better things to do.

i'm certainly writing this for myself. yet sometimes, i need to imagine that i'm writing this for someone else out there, just to keep going. but, the moment i feel like i am writing for an audience, i involuntarily close up, changing the nature of my thoughts. i wish it were easier.

maybe, when i approach the limits of my understanding and knowledge (which in theory can be extended, but surely not indefinitely), doubt gets replaced by a certain calmness. (doubt is a luxury of a sort, if we have no time to think, then there's no time to doubt). since i don't have the ability to will away doubt, my solution is to analyze it away. of course uncertainty remains, but perhaps, when i have no doubt that it's uncertain, it's good enough for me.

so, perhaps for now, i have some clue about the nagging "what for?" that sometimes permeates every pore in life. i'm certainly not happy all the time (that would be disturbing), but i'm starting to be better at remembering why i shouldn't be unhappy. re-reading my own words seem weirdly more authoritative (of course, another sign of my still large ego).

so, what is this blog for?

... for its simply stated title.

... for figuring the "what-fors". and a little bit of self-referencing fun.

under- things

for some reason, everyone seems to be under-appreciated, under-respected, under-loved. we try to be unselfish, we try to do all these things for others, but no one seems to care. actually, at best, no one even notices. at worst, people think we're being unnecessary and annoying.

well, at least i feel that way. sometimes. definitely more times than i would care to admit.

of course i'm telling myself that self-respect and self-love (but not to the point of narcissism) is the true point. as usual, i can't control what others think of and feel about me, so i have to work on inner happiness, do the thing that seems most right, and in fact all the more appreciate/respect/love the people around me, etc etc.

perhaps, simply consider it a small test to see how much ego i still have.

autumn

i really am not trying to wax poetic about the changing of the seasons, but every year, since i have been back in hong kong, autumn gives me the strangest of feelings. today, the weather has noticeably cooled, possibly the coolest day since summer.

a good bit of warmth and energy seems to have suddenly evaporated, leaving behind this slightly melancholic calmness. the streets seem more subdued, and i wonder to myself if that one added layer of clothes somehow muffles the noises of the city.

there's the familiar autumnal crispness in the air, tinged with this finality, that summer really is gone. another summer over, and it's not coming back, ever.

inevitably, i get the strange sensation that i have been somehow transported back to my school days, fall in new england. it's not even that particular memories flow back - i just feel like i'm walking down a street in new hampshire, even though hong kong and my little high school town could not be more different.

perhaps, october was the month when i had settled back in the routine of school. when i'm no longer fretting about which classroom to go to, no longer worrying how i'll survive yet another school year. october was when i could leisurely walk across campus, taking in the breezes, the colors, the smells.

or maybe, i have watched too many movies relating winter to darkness and death, and autumn to its foreboding prelude. it might feel nice right now, but very soon, too soon, the cold, dark days are here. and i'm subconsciously morose about things coming to an end. spring is too far away to think about, and winter is right around the corner.

at the same time, autumn signalled the "new" year in my life for so many years, it's possible i still have not gotten over the feeling that autumn's the time when the fun and games and real work starts. we had become more senior students, there were underclassmen to boss around, and there were all these possibilities in the new school year. so maybe, even though summer holidays and school year beginnings no longer exist in my life, the weird mix of anxiety and anticipation remains.

but i really don't know. it's such a strange mixture of sensations i cannot put my finger on it. it's neither a good nor bad feeling, but it comes around every year.

i almost always try to shake off these feelings as soon as they come about, either overthinking them or living in the past is generally not a good thing.

but maybe once in a while, a little reminiscing can be a little enjoyable.

no compromise

when i'm telling myself "no compromise", i'm in effect sacrificing some other thing - perhaps now, perhaps down the road.

from another perspective, i have to give up something else, in order to achieve "no compromise".

to state the obvious, life is almost all compromises and sacrifices.

in a way, those things that we never compromise on, that other people may never comprehend, define how we see ourselves.

procrastination

i know it's bad, everyone know it's bad, but i'm so good at it. i will put off all these things i'm supposed to do until it's too late.

but really, perhaps self-binding is the only real way.

like the piece says, "as the present gets closer, short term considerations overwhelm long term goals". sure, there are sometimes questionable long term goals, but there are plenty of long term goals i simply should stick to, no matter what.

time to stop using malleable long term goals as a procrastination excuse.

mind shit

to answer my own previously posed question is whether i will relapse into despair, discouragement, selfishness, the answer is an unequivocal yes. it's not very difficult as it turns out.

all it takes is a mix of: a general lack of direction, a low sense of self worth, and some things that don't go my way. then i conveniently forget all that i have learned, and even matters that i had spent considerable time writing and mulling about.

i wish there was a magic pill to deal with all these things that simply don't feel good. so i can get out of this mind bog, and get back on with life. such a magic pill is like a lottery ticket. when i get a large bill from out of nowhere, i wish i'd win the lottery so my bill will go away. nope, it's not going to happen. it's coming out of my savings account, and i have better been saving.

well, the same goes for the shit that happens in life. of course it happens. this magic pill/lottery ticket to make all the bad things go away. in fact, i'm not even so greedy as to hope for good things to happen - i just need to be rid of these detrimental emotions. (it's pretty strange and somewhat annoying that i can't simply "will" my confusion away, even though i'm fully cognizant of the fact that the longer i feel confused, the less i can do to address the underlying problem).

all i can do is build up my mental savings account, mind muscle, or whatever analogy that will not sound too corny. put in the mental effort when things are going ok. work on the mind, so when mind shit happens, i might realize, well, it's only mind shit that's happening.

i forget

am i really ready to accept that, i truly have no freewill? i have not done anything myself, by the traditional definitions of "myself"?

that all i have supposedly accomplished and achieved, has nothing to do with my own abilities, willpower or perseverance? these personal traits i am so proud of? well, they do, but fate (or more precisely the structure of the universe and the laws of physics that govern it) determined that i had that certain amount of ability, willpower and perseverance already?

i am but a peculiarly arranged glob in the vastness of space and time, a collection of particles reacting to other random particles, a deterministic-matter that has the curious property of believing it controls its own destiny despite all evidence to the contrary?

again, how does that lead me from a place of utter discouragement to the theoretical place of liberation? didn't i already figure this out?

you don't know what i'm thinking

i am only myself, and no matter how hard i might try, i can never really, truly, understand what another person is thinking and feeling.

isn't it obvious? we each have our unique set of neurons. unless a future machine is able to replicate every atom in our individual brains, of course we are going to be only thinking our own thoughts.

even the virtue of compassion - we're imagining ourselves as others to feel what they might be feeling. we project, assume we understand for practical purposes, but we simply don't know. sometimes, we think we're closer, and suddenly, we find we are as far away as ever.

yet, despite the urge to give up on an unattainable goal, all the scriptures of the world indicate that we should keep trying. we need to see the world from other people's eyes, to cultivate compassion, to empathize.

well, do i really, truly understand what i am thinking and feeling?

(how can i not understand? i am the only person doing my personal thinking and feeling?)

or do i only think i understand? or is there no "understanding" involved, only that i know what i am thinking and feeling? and because only i alone know this, i can thus decide on the best course of action for myself? and who can argue with that?

reclimbing things

it's always frustrating. for whatever reason, there are times when i fall back a few steps, or sometimes many steps, and i try to get back to where i was. in my yoga, in my fitness, in my career, in my relationships.

it was so hard to get to climb to those particular levels already - reclimbing them somehow seem to be all the more impossible, as if i have exhausted my motivation reserves already. it almost seems to be better to devote my energies towards something else.

perhaps, rather, i could be thankful i get to retrace my steps again. perhaps enjoy the scenery a bit more this time. aren't these levels neverending anyway? so why the rush?

best work vs most useful work

what is my best work? what is my most useful work? do i already know deep down that my best work does not equate my most useful work? because of my definition of my "best work"?

so, to look from whose perspective?

my ego?

my bank account?

my family and friends?

the companies i work for, and particular business goals i've achieved for them?

the rare and random person i have offered a hand to?

my higher/inner self, whatever that may be?

the larger world, in this day and age?

the larger world, over the course of a few millenium?

so given my current abilities, what am i best at and what am i most useful at?

so given the universe of possibilities, over the next ten years, would i rather do my best work or my most useful work?

it doesn't get easier, and it hurts just as much

i tend to forget 100km races never get easier. i tend to forget how much the training sucks. i tend to forget even though it's something i've done, each time, it will hurt like hell. to improve on my time, i have to push myself every bit as hard as i did as in my first time.

it doesn't get easier, and it hurts just as much.

the physical pain is here to stay, no doubt. no matter how much faster i get, to improve, i will need to cause myself greater pain.

the only thing standing between perseverance and collapse is our mental strength. so ethereal and insubstantial, yet stronger than any muscle in our body.

the nature of kicking things

it sometimes is necessary to kick my own ass, so i don't have to be kicking myself in future.

random topics

is there a god?

is there fate?

what is the meaning of life?

where am i supposed to go from here?

how do i prioritize my life? what should i focus on?

how do i decide between truly tough choices?

am i supposed to pursue my dreams or should i be realistic? what if i don't have dreams?

how much of myself should i be sacrificing for others? how much sacrifice should others make for me?

why does my life suck?

how do i get some peace of mind?

how much does goodness really matter?

how much is enough?

is there a point to it all?

doorways out of nowhere

for some things, we have a vast array of choices.

for some other things, we don't have a choice.

for still some other things, out of nowhere, choices seem to appear. perhaps, we weren't even aware that choices existed. and perhaps, we have no idea when they'll disappear. but at certain moments in time, certain possibilities, impossible as they had seemed, open up. like a secret doorway unhidden by a nondescript rock in an indiana jones movie, we have no idea where these tunnels will lead us, and at just this moment, they beckon.

these unexpected doorways seem to particularly cause me a bit of angst.

i still won't know which path will lead to the treasure chests, and which one will lead to the den of snakes, or even if the treasure chests exist at all. i simply won't know.

all i can do is to pick a path, then walk it fearlessly.

freewill is an illusion

but there are still consequences.

both good and bad.

short, medium, or long term?

since i don't know when i run out of money, when i lose my job, when i get sick, when i run into a string of general bad luck, and when i die (and the equivalent for family)... how do i plan my life?

is my current trajectory based on thinking that's too short term? too long term? too medium term?

what if i actually knew these things? i.e., how much i needed over the course of my future years? the magnitude of my ups and downs? the time of death? how would i plan things?

doesn't take much to make up some assumptions.

do i still drift through life and see what it brings me? or should i at least pretend that i have a plan (or two)?

or at the very least, contemplate how my short term goals conflict with my long term goals? and realize choices need to be made?

the nature of reminders

my little training hike reminded me just how tough the trailwalker is going to be. burning lungs. helpless legs. screaming kneecaps.

just a quick reminder that mountains really don't give a crap how much i have trained or haven't trained. it doesn't matter that i was busy, doesn't matter that all my excuses are legitimate, the mountain's not going to be giving me feedback. (i don't think).

i wonder why these reminders didn't come a bit earlier, when i was feeling incredibly lazy and just decided things could wait. oh, now i remember. i chose not to remember.

reminders seem to have a habit of reminding us at the inopportune times.

lethargy

i wonder if i can meditate my way out of lethargy.

i.e., i am so lethargic and my mind is so blank, i might as well meditate.

probably not the kind meditation masters would approve of, but, perhaps, it's still a way.

a minority of a minority

most people don't have time as it is already, only a small portion of people actually read.

most people who read don't have time as it is already, a small portion of people reflect on what they've read and digest.

most people who've had the chance to digest don't have time as it is already, an even smaller portion of people actually act on it.

the last step is certainly the most important one - and equally certainly, the least taken one.

unrelatedness

to even have a chance of locating the meaning of life, we have to take a shot of doing some meaningful things.

and, what exactly are those?

to get started, at least, try out the ones that seem to be generally accepted as meaningful. they most probably are completely unrelated to our jobs, and will do nothing for our career advancement.

in fact, the more unrelated, the better. stripped of all possible ulterior motives, meaning, if any, emerges - and we can suddenly see it, bare and alone.

the more i know, the less i know

i don't know enough. i haven't read enough. i haven't digested enough. i don't reflect enough. i didn't take one single philosophy class my entire education career. i don't do most of the good things that good people do. i've never been involuntarily hungry. i've never known poverty. i don't know what it's like to stare at a bottomless pit, and only to see an avalanche of burdens when looking up.

in short, i am painfully aware that i am woefully inadequate to talk about, well, anything at all. there are much smarter, wiser, just generally better people out there. there are better written blogs, articles, books.

i seem to need to constantly remind myself that in trying to be reasonably better, the only worthwhile measuring stick is myself. other people are nice to have, but in the end, it truly does not matter what others think.

can i live with myself?

am i moving towards a place where i can better live with myself?

when i close my eyes for the final time, can my last thought be a sigh of relief?

darkness, revisited

three years ago, i did a night run and decided that i wouldn't be doing any more night runs. to be honest, it scared the shit out of me. things just seemed to be lurking in the ominous shadows and the whole time i was looking over my shoulder to see if someone would run up and stab me in my ass.

last night, starting my run around dusk, and as darkness fell, i suddenly realized running in the dark was almost comforting.

in the darkness, with my vision muted, all i could really do was hear was my own breath and my footsteps. the rare runner along the way was simply another shadow blending into the darkness. and all the while, i could safely jog along without paying attention to anything else, or worry that anyone else was watching me. darkness, this time around, seemed to be almost a place of refuge, though i wasn't quite sure what i could possibly be taking refuge from.

perhaps, after six weeks in places where streetlights are a rarity and darkness is the norm, i finally realized there really is nothing to fear about random dancing shadows.

perhaps, when i fully accept that known things are a rarity and uncertainty is the norm, i will truly realize that there is nothing to fear about the unknown.

usual reality

once in a while, there are places and times, where things seem to be suspended in mid-air.

then, suddenly, i've left and have returned to my usual life, my usual reality.

funny, these times make up such a small portion of our usual realities, but somehow, they sometimes come to define our future realities.

and sometimes, they don't, depending on the choices i make.

staring blankly

i wonder, if i could one day tally up the amount of time i spend staring blankly at the screen.

i wonder, if this happens to other people who try to write something every day, or otherwise try to create things.

i wonder, what happens to the time that seems just to be wasted away, with nothing to show for.

maybe, it's a good time to realize the only thing remaining is the belief that something will eventually come.

meaning, significance, purpose

What is the meaning of life?
What is the significance of life?
What is the purpose of life?
What is the meaning of my life?
What is the significance of my life?
What is the purpose of my life?

Pretty different questions but somehow they get bunched under the grand umbrella of “what is the meaning of life?”