everyone's life is cooler than mine

sometimes i think the world i inhabit is composed of neverending movie trailers. everyone's most exciting moments are on full display. every moment, someone else is doing something way more exciting than what i'm doing.

i seem to have forgotten that the people who are doing the really cool things, they aren't sitting around and reading what cool things other people are doing. they're too busy making things happen. silently, consistently, one step by one step.

(now, not that being cool should matter at all, but that's another matter for another day)

there is no point

there is no point trying to improve sometimes, when the goal post is so far.

yes, i know, we are supposed to progress step-by-step, over the course of many lives, to slowly reach nirvana.

maybe there really is no point.

all i can do really, is calm myself down, and upon realizing that it really doesn't matter, move forward and do some routine things that will hopefully make me feel a tad better.

no, the hard things that take immense mental energy aren't going to go away. but unless i truly calm myself down, those things will take ten times that mental energy.

so calm down. or do something that calms me down.

fear of failure

things to remind myself:

fear of failure is a lot worse than failure itself.

if fear is the reason keeping me from leaving a job behind to take on new challenges, i'm really not that good.

no one promised me some bright shining future. there is nothing in the world i'm entitled to. for many, the very act of hope is a luxury.

material comforts are overrated. some basic ones are nice. for extra stuff, once in a while is ok. but there is simply no need for a lot of it.

social status is the most inane thing ever to seek.

good intentions are impractical, but failing with good intentions is much better than failing with poor intentions. the supposedly "stable" thing is probably not as stable as i think.

fear/uncertainty/uneasiness are emotions. generally speaking the physical events in the world will occur in one way or another, regardless of how we feel about them.

i'm good enough already

sometimes, we're just happy enough to reach a particular level, and it's far as we can conceivably push already. and, we'd like to stay there. no need to go further.

i can do a headstand - i don't need to do a handstand.

i have enough money to live comfortably - i don't need to earn more.

i've run a 100km race - i don't need to run 200km.

i'm vegetarian already - i don't have to be vegan.

i'm sufficiently spiritually fulfilled - i don't need further fulfillment.

in essence, i'm good enough - thank you very much, i don't need to be better. not right now, at least. i'm tired of trying to constantly improve. in fact, i kind of want to get worse, just to see what it's like. just to spite myself, to spite everyone.

- it's ok, sometimes we all need a break to re-evaluate things?

- everyone reaches their own respective pre-destined levels?

- we need to keep going no matter what, as that separates the winners from the quitters?

- perfection is an illusion anyway, there's always a next stage, hence, why so serious?

giving up

sometimes, i really want to give up. i mean, seriously give up, not like a theoretically give up.

give up on this blog.

give up on all these people who annoy me.

give up on difficult relationships.

give up on whatever aim i set out to achieve.

give up all these things that are troubling me and forget that there is any chance i might make the tiniest difference.

just step away from it all, to do what? i don't know, just to get away from it all. just anything to get away from the feeling of a thousand shit-made needles pricking me. yes, i know, i'm very fortunate and blessed and all that kind of stuff, but actually sometimes there simply seems to be no room for that kind of appreciation in my brain. i understand it logically, but i can't feel it.

of course, giving up only brings a whole new set of problems, possibly better, but probably worse. just the nature of how life tends to work.

which means, i may need to give up the idea of giving up.

demoralization vs inspiration

it's really easy to get demoralized.

it's really hard to get inspired.

and the extension of this...

it's really easy to demoralize other people.

and it's really hard to inspire other people.