life ranges; narrowing choices; future value; living for others

things that i really should remember, courtesy of the wife. 

there is range that we are probably born with. we can only do our best given our circumstances, and try to achieve local maximums, at least on a "success" basis. there's no limit as to how we feel though. we can feel as good or as bad as we would like to whether we achieve the local maximum or drop to the local minimum. 

our choices really do narrow as we grow older. my life really is not ahead of me any more. my potential, maybe, is just that. if i can't achieve this and that this life, well, another one. that's ok. and with narrowing choices, when we think we can choose between let's say actual dollars now and some unknown dollars in future, well, you have obligations so unknown dollars in the future isn't really a choice. 

living for others is just generally happier than living for ourselves. it really does make it simpler. 

Then, finally

There are these spots of time in life where things feel fucking awful, and where things feel fucking awesome. Objectively speaking, you know that nothing really has changed, life is just life, and ups and downs are just as normal as sunrises and sunsets. And, the sun does also rise and set (for foreseeable future), regardless of what we feel.

Those feelings, especially the soul-shattering ones, don’t just go easily. They will linger, eat at you, attacking your core, and for much longer than you envisioned. In reality, it is an act of stripping. Stripping you of the things you take for granted. Stripping you of the things you think are important. Stripping you of things that others think are important.

Then, finally.

You can finally revisit and face your naked, sorry self. 

Then, you realize that the world is an even nastier place than you thought.

Then, you realize there are pockets of people who are much kinder than you thought.

Then, you realize you looked too far ahead.

Then, you realize you didn't look far enough ahead.

Then, you realize that, life is suffering, truly.

Then, you realize that there is give and take for everything, even if may be years before you realize the benefits or the harms.

Then, you realize that you are no longer young and naive. And you have acquired a little bit of wisdom. 

Then, you finally realize you really are no different than any of your glorious and inglorious fellow human beings.

we'll control what we can control

as Belichick says, things that are out of our control are out of our control. we'll control what we can control.

things i can't control:
- when the right opportunity comes
- what others think of me
- what i've done in the past

things i can control:
- staying healthy
- staying at a minimum, non-negative
- realizing that adversity is just a fact of life
- not letting other people stick a finger in my face and telling me i'm no good
- getting punched in the gut, in the face, and getting back up, and keep moving forward

咬實牙根, and power through.

Shit always happens, and it is supposed to happen. After all, if everything was going your way, you'd be in the wrong lane. And life is suffering, just in case you forgot. Not to belittle my own suffering, but heck, there truly is a lot worse out there. 

咬實牙根, and power through. 

5 things

1. never argue. your point is irrelevant.

2. you are not worth shit. i know you have some deep hidden desire to be respected. but you are obviously delusional. you will be a terrible businessman. your parents are terrible. your values are fucked up. you suck at anything home related. you can't cook. you are worse than any helper. you were the absolute worst boyfriend and 99% of the time a very bad husband as well.

3. being happy and relaxed at home is an absolute requirement. you can do some light complaining but you must do it with humor. you are not allowed to display stress. you have to be like her dad or any of her friends who never stress. they just solve problems. there is no stress. do not talk about work. do not talk about work. do not talk about work. you have to be like her dad.

4. your past thoughts and deeds that offended her, whether you remember it or not, she will remember and will constantly remind you forever. forever.

5. her priorities and your priorities are completely different. you think you have a chance to succeed, to make a difference, to be somebody, and you have to work at it. she does not give a rat's ass about your aspirations. well, you can go about your aspirations if you never display stress. she would like you to be happy. if you are not happy, she will be sure to compare you to her dad or her friends or a thousand other people who are really happy and great entrepreneurs, great fathers and great husbands. she can be poor and happy. and thus, you should be able to be poor and happy as well. in fact, you should just be happy and relaxed always. it doesn't matter what the fuck your priorities or aspirations are. what matters is you are like her dad, her friends, and that you are happy and relaxed all the time. you are simply not allowed to stress. there is no alternative.

stfu

remember, sometimes, or many times, you really are supposed to just shut the fuck up and not break your own rules.

very complicated answer

From Dave Chappelle's interview with David Letterman, regarding walking away from 50 million dollars:
"Very complicated answer... cuz I've felt a variety of ways in the last ten years, whenever there's something I'd like to have, and I could have afforded, that I can't now afford, and then I'm upset about it! But then when I see a guy doing a job that's time consuming, and he doesn't have the free time to do the things that I get to do, then I feel good about it."
And Dave Letterman goes, "Who among us doesn't make choices that we have regrets about?" and they both go, "All of us do."

That's the thing. We have to make choices, and frequently, the choices seem just dumb in retrospect. Even though I might have thought long and hard about them, picking the best possible route, or at least so I think, balancing the pros and cons, risks and rewards, and well, sometimes, it just doesn't work out.

The thing is to keep getting back up, and moving forward. Or trying to move forward. (Well, yes, there's the chance that there are more possibly wrong decisions to make). But in reality, there's really not much else to it.

lots of motivation and no more time

"I'm stuck in this position with loads and loads of motivation but potentially not very much time. But I see lots of people out there that have time. What I can try to do is give them a bit of my motivation, to go out there and achieve something – enjoy life."

thanks stephen. 

mercy and justice

in a way, that's what it comes down to, when and if a person in a position to do so.

if you are too just, you might as well be a computer algorithm.

if you are too merciful, then why have rules in the first place.

there will never be the best answer, only the one that you can live with.

天下有兩難

天下有兩難：登天難，求人更難；
天下有兩苦：黃連苦，貧窮更苦；
世間有兩險：山高險，人心更險；
世間有兩薄：春冰薄，人情更薄。
知其難、守其苦、測其險、忍其薄，則可以處世矣。

newton's third law

as frequently quoted by my ex-boss, simply put, for every action, there is a reaction. cause and effect. now, whether this extends to past lives and future reincarnations, that part is probably more faith than anything else, but over the course of our lives, it becomes fairly obvious that it has to be true. the effect is sometimes unforeseen, unexpected, but, it always has a cause. sometimes it's a fortuitous coincidence, other times it's murphy's law.

the only way to deal with this is to try to steer the odds in our favor, at least the miniscule part that we appear to have some control over, namely anything that relates to 1) how we interact with our environment and the people we come across; and 2) our willpower to do things that in spite of the environment that we are in, or, in spite of ourselves. all else really we don't even have any semblance of control.

and this also applies to whether people will realize it. if they wonder, of course we share. if they simply do not believe it exists, we listen and we watch, silently, and compassionately if we can.

the top x%

so, every day, i worry about this, i worry about that. i worry whether i'm making the right decisions, i wonder whether things will turn out ok. i wonder if i'm maximizing, i wonder why so many people are so ahead of me, in every part of my life. 

yes, of course things will turn out perfectly as they were supposed to, we already established that earlier. 

and seriously, i already am at the top x% of the world's population. and i mean, what right do i have to worry so much about my trivial problems? when there are truly massive issues out there? 

limits

there really is not enough time to do everything. there isn't. the skills i wish i had time to be great at: spoken chinese, written chinese, ultramarathons, yoga. the relationships with family, friends, acquaintances. new books, new science. ancient books, ancient wisdom. oh, and also figure out my finances and invest wisely so i actually will have time to do all this stuff at a later stage. 

so, yes, time. 

there will never be enough time to do everything i set out to do. no matter what age i will be, be it 10 years from now, or 10 years ago, i never had enough time. 

just, try, to do more of the things that i would say, i wish i had the willpower to start 10 years ago. 

always

anything worth doing is always painful. 

always.

and it's about how much pain and boredom i can endure. and it's about getting started - to stick myself right into the pain and boredom. even though i know it will suck real bad. or in fact, particularly because i know it will suck real bad. 

it's only worth doing because not everyone is willing to throw themselves into situations that will suck real bad. not probably, but definitely.

the trick is to think not about the pain, but something simple, like how nice it would feel after the pain. 

that's all really - just when it's just simply too unbearable, forget everything else for a moment. just focus on the result to get kickstarted. 

then, just let the pain run its usual course. 

between a rock and a hard place

sometimes life is simply just like that. option A is terrible. option B is horrible. and sorry, there are no other options. i can analyze the hell out of it, trying to figure out which is more terrible or horrible, which one is more long term or short term, which one will most likely cause me too much pain, cause others too much pain, but in the end, i know for certain it won't turn out OK. whatever decision that i take, it will grind me down, chew me up, and spit me back out such that i probably cannot function normally for a while.

yes, even if that decision is supposed to be the "right" one, and of course whether it's right or not depends completely on perspective.

it is simply not fun.

interestingly, sometimes option A did not seem too terrible until option B came about. we are remarkably good about getting used to things. so, ironically, choices do have the ability to make things worse, or at least, shed light on why the original option A was not so great. and subsequently cause the usual indecision painful process etc.

this really does happen. in all areas of life. in all walks of life. in all stages of life.

i guess, i'd just better really get used to that life truly, truly is suffering. anything else really is a bonus already.

opportunities are a strange thing

which risks and opportunities am i supposed to just take on, and say, screw it, i'm doing this, to hell with whatever others say?

and which ones should i just walk away, knowing that i will probably still wonder "what if" for possibly the longest time?

yes, i know i'm supposed to focus on the present - and just forget about the alternatives. a decision is a decision.

i don't know.

唯有咬實牙根. and wait and observe things and life that will inevitably change, for better or worse.

even longer than an ultra

it always seems like i have so much to do, so much to learn, so much i'm supposed to be accomplishing. the "success" stories never really stopped to smell the flowers. meanwhile i'm just kinda hopping around here and there.

am i just flip-flopping too much, or am i really gaining an incredible breadth of experience?

all these people are ahead of me. all these people are doing things i wish i had been doing.

all these people haven't run a 100km, they haven't been to kailash either.

i do forget life really is longer than the longest ultra. and i really was never meant to win any ultras. keep healthy, keep learning, keep meditating. try to enjoy the run.

may 1

so i've had now about three weeks here - enough to calm down a little bit, and start to realize this is not just a particularly long business trip. 

it really kinda sucks and i really miss home. 

to be sure, things really have been exceptionally nice here, and i couldn't have asked for a smoother transition. 

the truth is i really am a creature of habit, and having my comfort zone torn away (almost a cruel joke i'm playing on myself), just bothers something me deeply. sure, externally, i will look ok, i will sound ok... but i really have had a piece of myself ripped off. of course we are simply talking just a relocation here, and i also realize it really is not a drastic change. plenty of people go through plenty worse. and i am sure i will have plenty worse to go through in my life. 

but at this point in time, generally, to put it simply, it just feels like crap. the one thing i pride myself on, communicating well, has been ripped away from me. it renders me ineffective, unconfident, and slow. i don't know what to say, i don't know how to react, and i can't understand half the stuff that's going on. and i don't have any familiar comfort zone to retreat into. it simply seems like i'm exposed everywhere and i can't escape. 

in a way, i guess it is a crutch, and i'd rely on my language skills to get through. now it's gone - well, there's only one way, that is to build it. 

the truth is, i find it a lot harder now to build. maybe, i have lost a bit of willpower with age. maybe, i hate letting people see me work hard, and the fact that i can't truly be alone to work at it affects me. these are still kind of stupid excuses at the end of the day. 

so on one hand, work on your language. as always, i never was the smartest one but i could work the hardest. 

and on the other hand, just deal with the fact your life will kinda suck for a while. 

and lastly, just remember to keep up the hardest practice of it all - kindness. 

starting over

sometimes, i wonder what it would be like to start my life over.

then, i wonder if i could at least start my last 10 years over. ok, how about just my last 5 years?

ok, maybe i really should be thinking what the heck i should be doing now, so i won't be thinking the exact same thing five years, ten years hence.

for one, keeping this daily practice is probably not a bad thing to restart.

when all else fails, and my mind is blank, angry, confused, just try not to do bad things, and do something that's kind.

sometimes, it is just damn hard to do the right thing

sometimes, or many times, what the "right" thing is really subject to a ton of debate. and it doesn't help when the possibly not "right" thing or thing in that grey area can lead to a bit of personal gain, and not at anyone's expense. i just have to come to terms with the fact that i still should try to do what appears to be right. despite sometimes it's obvious stupidity to everyone, including myself.

the perfect life

the strangest thing about us is what we strive and work and work, for what we think would be our perfect life. if we don't get there, we always have that unsatisfied yearning, about what if i actually got there. and if and when we do get there, more often than not, it turns out not to be so perfect.

the idea of perfection of course in some ways is ludicrous. our minds are so jumpy, so easily bored, dissatisfaction is a much more normal state than satisfaction.

the one and only true trick is to train the mind to be still. to find the existing perfection in our daily lives, rather than in the abstract future.

inner peace is fragile

and poof! all that practice is gone.

the real trick is to blend real life and practice. then, we slowly remember the truth more often than not.

120,000

the hard part to remember, of course, is truth doesn't come from authorities, nor ancient texts, nor does it come from 120,000 people. all references certainly, truth only comes from deep reflection.

to quote Krishamurti:

'Truth is a pathless land'. Man cannot come to it through any organization, through any creed, through any dogma, priest or ritual, not through any philosophic knowledge or psychological technique. He has to find it through the mirror of relationship, through the understanding of the contents of his own mind, through observation and not through intellectual analysis or introspective dissection. Man has built in himself images as a fence of security - religious, political, personal. These manifest as symbols, ideas, beliefs. The burden of these images dominates man's thinking, his relationships and his daily life. These images are the causes of our problems for they divide man from man. His perception of life is shaped by the concepts already established in his mind. The content of his consciousness is his entire existence. This content is common to all humanity. The individuality is the name, the form and superficial culture he acquires from tradition and environment. The uniqueness of man does not lie in the superficial but in complete freedom from the content of his consciousness, which is common to all mankind. So he is not an individual.

Freedom is not a reaction; freedom is not a choice. It is man's pretence that because he has choice he is free. Freedom is pure observation without direction, without fear of punishment and reward. Freedom is without motive; freedom is not at the end of the evolution of man but lies in the first step of his existence. In observation one begins to discover the lack of freedom. Freedom is found in the choiceless awareness of our daily existence and activity. Thought is time. Thought is born of experience and knowledge which are inseparable from time and the past. Time is the psychological enemy of man. Our action is based on knowledge and therefore time, so man is always a slave to the past. Thought is ever-limited and so we live in constant conflict and struggle. There is no psychological evolution.

When man becomes aware of the movement of his own thoughts he will see the division between the thinker and thought, the observer and the observed, the experiencer and the experience. He will discover that this division is an illusion. Then only is there pure observation which is insight without any shadow of the past or of time. This timeless insight brings about a deep radical mutation in the mind.

Total negation is the essence of the positive. When there is negation of all those things that thought has brought about psychologically, only then is there love, which is compassion and intelligence."

remember to inspire

inspiration is the only way out of mundane existence. 

trust the training

i didn't think i could let alone walk to the track. i was so damn tired i had trouble putting on my running shorts without falling down. i was feeling this awful mix of bloated and hungry. have no idea how it's possible to have those two sensations at the same time.

anyway, i hammered it out the 10km. i don't know why it was easier than i imagined too. and right, i have been getting myself back in shape, albeit really slowly.

most of training sucks. but if i somehow keep at it, somehow, it starts to suck a little less.

what the hell happened to my willpower?

all these years, willpower has been the one thing that i've relied on. i am not the smartest, the brightest, the strongest, the whatever-est, but somehow through brute force i have managed to just get through. the gym was always something i looked back with some (probably misguided) pride. i was the scrawniest kid ever when i first stepped in. three years later, by senior year, i was putting up over 200lbs on the bench press. i could do pull-ups with a fifty pound weight added on. i seemed to have proved to myself that if i just worked damn hard, i could become reasonably good at something.

anyway, forward twenty odd years. i make promises to myself, important promises, that i could again do through sheer brute force. like practice hanuman, meditate every day. finish my damn book. teach yoga. somehow, i have been just talking all these years, and things remain where they are. i somehow end up reading the thousands of articles on my rss, sitting on the couch, or just doing nothing.

even the most "useful" of these activities, devouring info, am i now more informed? sure. am i more knowledgeable? maybe. am i wiser? if i were to believe myself, only knowledge applied, personalized, internalized, and finally realized, becomes wisdom. essentially, knowledge can be forgotten. wisdom, has been learned the very hard way, and simply cannot be forgotten.

so anyway, back to willpower, which has somehow deserted me. because i'm older? (and not wiser?) because i got married? because i'm stuck in a job that is neither good nor bad, just, well, a job? all of the above?

so these books tell me, to make it a habit, so i don't have to exert willpower. or, it's just a muscle, that we need to train, and keep training, then we can use it whenever we want in whichever situations. i haven't figured it out.

maybe it's simple - the rewards, at this stage of my life, are just no longer evident. not that i should have cared so much about them. in fact, it may just be a good illustration of that. the rewards (get big muscles, get girls, though that never worked out; do well on exams, get good gpa, good job, well, my thoughts can't think that far ahead), once someone pulls it away, or those rewards lose their meaning/relevance somehow, suddenly, i'm left with... nothing.

so, do i create some arbitrary rewards for myself? or even better, realize i really should not give a damn about rewards, and enjoy whatever it is i have at the moment? i think one of the difficulties of our generation is we have been totally conditioned under the work and reward system, from our earliest memories and experiences. do A, get B. why do A if not very useful and does not get you anywhere?

so i have to work around this. kickstart myself with imaginary rewards. put a big "X" on my calendar every time i fail myself. haul myself back up from the slippery slope of laziness and excuses. and think about how my own 14-year old-self used to motivate the hell out of my friends. let him loose again.

excuses

i am finding out i am incredibly good at excusing myself.

rather than staying focused despite changes, i somehow use changes as an excuse to not practice, as i need time to "get back on track".

i need to remember staying with my practice is the fastest way to get back on track.

and then, i can remember what the real things are.

the gradual death of personal time

i now realize, when i don't have enough personal time, i mean time really to myself, doing nothing, without fear of anyone bothering me, i get really cranky.

the issue is that could never have lasted that long, and things do pile on. and soon enough, we're not talking "enough" time. any time is a luxury.

the challenge is to maintain calmness, focus, despite all these things that distract, bother, annoy, and they all happen naturally in fact.

or, to change my concept of personal time. it was never mine in fact, and perhaps, every minute is already personal if i'm still alive.

man it is tough.

差少少,就可能真係差少少

today, i randomly saved someone. perhaps not from death, but from a body shutdown due to heat stroke at least. the interesting thing was i had a very mild experience of it myself later - and sometimes if you don't have that sip of water to save you, hard as one tries the strength just isn't there. and it just goes downhill very quickly from there.

i don't know if there's anything to be learned here, but perhaps if there's a little extra that can be done, do it, since you don't know if it will matter a lot later.

and the other lesson is make sure someone stays with the weakest link.

how to choose

when in doubt, in trying to decide between two things that are similarly good (or bad), choose the one that requires more willpower.

think, wait, fast

since i really don't have ideas these days (really, somehow i have stared at the screen for a good while and nothing comes to mind. nothing. ok, it's more like, i want to think about the deeper things in life. but didn't i already figure it out? and it's just too taxing to go beyond ah, life goes on. i need to figure out how to really jump start my brain again.)

i can think, i can wait, i can fast, and that is all, the young siddhartha said, in herman hesse's book.

sometimes, it really is like that. i kind of have to wait for the thoughts to emerge, from nowhere it seems. and sometimes they just remain unformed. and how do i coax them into forming themselves again?

i imagine it's like trying to regain my running stamina that has all but disappeared again.

time and patience. eventually, have faith, they return.

ultimate liberty

it always confuses me a little that compassion leads to dispassion leads to ultimate liberty.

challenges that make me look bad

i have a new theory about myself. the challenges that i like are the ones that even if i fail, i will look ok. the challenges i don't like are the ones that i will look like an ass if i fail, because i) everyone else can do it really easily and ii) there is no coolness factor associated with it.

for ii), while i still wonder when i will eventually grow out of it, i think it's not so much that i want to be cool now (truly, no one cares. even if they really care, all anyone will get is a "like" these days. i have another theory that "liking" is making people more indifferent, as you can "like" anything without saying anything. but that's for another day), it's more like i don't want to be uncool.

so anyhow. this came up as i am still thinking about teaching yoga. part of it is i don't want to do a half-assed job and i'd like to maintain some continuity if i ever start. the other part of it is i don't quite feel like it. maybe it's because i look really stupid teaching people to stick their bums in the air. or maybe i feel i'm doing my teacher no justice if i don't do it well. or maybe i'm just scared to stand in front of a bunch of people and have them stare at me and assume i know what i'm doing. which is weird, because i can do that for things i know even less about. and that never stopped me from blabbering on.

as life goes on

the new challenge is how to maintain some form of practice and consistency - whether it's writing this, running, yoga, meditation, given the dozens of new priorities that come up and will come up.

if i only have ten minutes, how do i possibly calm my mind knowing there are a long list of things to be done right afterwards? or alternatively, how do i actually focus for these ten minutes despite the things to come?

hasn't this always been the case, or does it just seem things are much more uncertain and unpredictable than before?

i really don't quite know yet.

but first, i need to get back in it.

only then, i figure out how to better to do it.

uncanny valley

singapore is my city-version of the uncanny valley.

there are a lot of things similar to hong kong - the G2000 shop, the andy lau advertisement, the mango billboard.

but there are small differences. the people on the streets look like the people i'd see in hong kong from afar, but one longer look reveals i'm definitely not in hong kong. the hairstyle. the walking gait. even the oil shine on the skin, probably just from the warm weather.

and it somehow makes it all the more alien to me. so familiar, yet different that it's weirdly discomforting.

i sometimes realize i'm such a creature of habit. so i guess, all the more important it is to somehow train myself to have better habits.

6 weeks vs 1 week

one would think that having not written for so long, i would be brimming with things that i'd like to expound on.

somehow, that doesn't quite happen.

as i must have reminded myself a million times, 6 weeks to get in shape, 1 week to get out of shape.

maybe that applies to the mind as well.

like the 5k run i did this morning, getting back in shape sucks.

but it has to be done.

who's first?

given the choice, do you help the people who has everything taken away, or you help those who never had anything in the first place?

it's time

it's time to get going again.

one of the laws of the universe state that:

determination is always elusive;

excuses are everywhere to be found.

different goals at different times

sometimes i mistake other people's goals for my own.

sometimes i even mistake my previous goals for my current ones.

of course, my current problems stem from the fact that i'm not quite sure what my current goal exactly is. and there's always a spectrum and overlap among what i think i should do, what i desire to do, what i think fits me to do. people always say, be yourself, find your passion. with all this exploration of my "self" over the past couple of years, i seem to be no closer to figuring out what "being myself" entails. my passion? media is an easy passion. what's not to like? but might it also be a superficial kind of passion, which is the reason i'm at times uncomfortable with it? or i'm just uncomfortable with the pay, the inherent instability of the business?

maybe, these kinds of self-imposed shocks are a good way for me to figure things out.

so i guess, i just have to keep reminding myself, there are no right or wrong choices, but there are kind and less-kind decisions, and there surely are happy and less-happy perspectives.

bright and shiny things

this has been one of the toughest decisions i've had to make in recent memory, and i'm not even quite sure where to start. certainly, a luxury to have the option to choose, but it's also killing me because well, i can only take one of them. the other opportunities, for all intensive purposes, will likely never happen again.

one is essentially a dream job - one that i would be jumping up and down for any other time. i could do it well, it's glamorous, it's right in the middle of the action - in a way, what i have worked towards over the past eight years. the other is uncool, stuffy, but in a way better serves society by way of better resource allocation. it seems to precisely answer my wish to do something more substantial for society and yet maintain some decent quality of living.

the problem with myself is i can argue it any which way i wish to. i can say media is the thing that truly changes lives and inspires people. i can also say insurance forms the backbone of society, and actually helps those when life deals them a bad hand. and at the same time, i am well aware that in either job i'm still a glorified cog, and possibly more so in the insurance business due to the nature of the corporation.

the key issue is there's a disconnect between what i should do vs what i would like to do. there's a disconnect between my conscious and my sub-conscious. and there's even a disconnect between my brain and my heart, even though i'm not quite sure which one is which.

is continuing in media the logical and safe extension given all that i have invested in it? media may be risky but as an industry executive it's in fact totally safe. or is my brain telling me i should go into a socially boring but high growth industry? the industry may be stable but who knows whether i have what it takes to succeed.

is continuing in media what my passion tells me because of its inherent excitement, or is my heart is telling me that i need to dig deep down and focus on the things that matter the most - to do something that has greater meaning to me?

the big question is which one has more meaning to me? or in other words, which one can i find more meaning in? and which one will open up more opportunities to things that i can find more meaning in?

the simpler perspective perhaps is, what do i feel like, where does my passion lie? have i confused my "wish to be cool" with my "passion"? am i forcing myself into this "more meaningful" job? despite my aspirations to be more selfless, am i at the core the same selfish egotistical self i've known all these years? once that job spirals down into boredom and bureaucracy, i'll regret giving up the cool job for the delusion of being able to serve the world better?

the problem is i don't know.

but at this point, with everything a 50/50 toss-up, the only thing i can rely on is to do what matters. or more precisely, do what i think will matter, at this moment.

maybe i'm missing out on the chance to really shape the future of the industry. maybe this is my one chance to become a "somebody" in media.

but in the end, this seems to matter more. i couldn't explain it if i tried. so all i can do is to keep calm, and see how life decides to play along.

those pros

i used to wonder about those "pros". i could take a photo like that, why is he a pro? i could write like that too, why is he a pro? he's not even that good, why is he doing it for a living?

they know that too, actually. they know there are amateurs out there who are good or even better than them. they know they might not be able to maintain their talent and inspiration forever. they know they might be only very mediocre in this cut-throat world.

sure, there are those who are honestly just the best in the world, and they are pro for that reason. but by definition, there is only one, at most a few, "the best" in the world. and there are millions of pros who do things for a living that others consider their hobbies.

now, i admire their courage. many of them turn pro, attempt to make a living out of their passion, knowing full well that they aren't likely to be the best in their profession, knowing full well that somebody better will come along at some point and eat their lunch, knowing full well that there are enough amateurs out there to seriously diminish their value.

sure, some of them are only good at marketing/untalented/have delusions of grandeur. but many are totally cognizant about the harshness of reality, and hella scared of it.

and they still do it.

the degree of spirituality

this is something that bothers me from time to time, especially when i meet people i don't know too well who talk about spirituality, goodness, etc. especially some people who for whatever reason i don't quite click with. i can't explain it. and for some reason, their spirituality seems contrived, even though it is well possible they are thinking the exact same thing about me (even though i rarely discuss these things in real life).

they (the non-click people) might be doing the exact same good and right things as the particular people who click with me, but they still bother me. i really don't know why. and in fact, it leaves me wanting to be less spiritual, as if somehow they're diluting the whole thing.

of course, there's no such thing as degree of spirituality. at least, the people with real wisdom would not regard it so - the essence is the same, it's just the manifestation that's different.

maybe there's no getting around it. just because i love watching movies doesn't mean i'll enjoy every movie i watch, even if it gets awesome reviews from somewhere. different people respond to different things, it's that simple.

so all there is to do is to respect their ways, watch and perhaps even learn what works for them. i go my way, and they go theirs. just like it should be.

and if we really were heading down the right direction, then it's just a matter of time when we meet and realize that the paths may have been different, but we get there all the same. and hopefully at that point i can laugh about my own question.

just another run

am now entering the three week period where i really need to get my runs in, whether i like to or not. well, let's be honest, i almost never "like" to. the time taken to will myself to go out into the biting cold is probably longer than my actual running time. it's totally ridiculous, yet i do it still.

so i guess i was well rested after my longish run last thursday, and i was beginning to feel bad that i hadn't run in three whole days. so at the end of the day, it was still guilt that got me out on the pavement. that can't be a healthy motivational technique, but at this point, i'll resort to anything.

it was indeed damn cold as i got to the jogging path. i was just in my tshirt and shorts, and as usual got some strange looks from people in their big fluffy down jackets. i also knew i'd get warm in due course, but unfortunately that knowledge doesn't in itself make me warm.

so off i went. i wanted to run fast to warm up. but the problem is, if i run too fast, i tire and will pay for it near the end of my run. and also there's the chance i'd pull something as the muscles take time to warm up. so i tried to keep some sort of happy balance, all the while swearing to no one in particular. i remember reading that swearing actually improves our pain tolerance. i always knew that, but it was gratifying to know it had scientific backing. but swearing doesn't make me warm either.

about fifteen twenty minutes in, finally, i could think of something other than "it's fucking cold". there are so many things of late i wasn't quite sure where to even start. but first, i wanted to consider why i had become a perfectionist of sorts. i have always been proud that i am pretty relaxed about things, and perfectionists were strange unhappy people. but a minor glitch on something i had worked on for a while was majorly disturbing me. finally, i decided, it was a miracle of technology i even got it done, and i was being a bit of an ungrateful sonuvabitch to the world. and i felt a little better.

mid-run, finally, i was feeling nice. it astonishes me every single time why there are nice feelings associated with pavement pounding. but it was really a very nice feeling. the tshirt-piercing cold had morphed into a constant fullbody aircon cooling me to the perfect temperature. surprisingly, no knee pain, yet. and things just seemed smooth, almost effortless, as the sky slowly darkened.

of course, these conditions never last very long. my knee started to complain, but fortunately, it was more a whine than a scream. because i slowed down a little, i was feeling cold again. i began to wonder what i could have possibly enjoyed about this, even though it was only several minutes ago, and circumstances hadn't changed at all.

at the same time, i marveled once again how running really does remind me of the cycles of life. i remind myself how i hate people who tell me life is like everything, from chocolates to golf, but i suppose it's because it really means something to them. running is that thing to me. it just somehow reflects my view of life better than golf or chocolates. and i don't even like running. or maybe it's because i don't like running.

a lot of things in my life seem to follow this pattern. it takes me forever to decide to do one thing. then the start is always awful, everything is a confused jumbo of pain, and i question my own sanity. mid-way, for some brief moments, i think it's actually pretty good. 3/4 of the way, it sucks again. after i finish, i'm pretty glad. if i don't finish the way i wanted to, well, i guess i'll have to do better next time. that's where the analogy diverges, because there aren't too many second chances in real life.

anyhow, i did manage to run the 14km i aimed for, without great discomfort, so that much was ok.

so i took a long sip of water, looked out at this city with its sea of lights, each with someone in them running their own tough races, and went home.

睇你點睇

advice on what to do is nice.

advice on how to gain another perspective is even nicer.

the challenge and perspective is, how to create nice things out of any situation? or at least things that feel nice?

in reality

in reality, the problems of the real world are here to stay. no matter how much meditation or soul-searching i do, money won't fall from the sky, and my commitments and responsibilities will go only one way, i.e. to pile up. and one day, at the point of suffocation, i will wonder, what exactly did i do to deserve this?

these things i wish to have - anything from personal time to youth to freedom - for whatever reason, there comes a point when it gets taken away, or i lose it, or i can't have it, or it's out of reach. and i can't accept this new reality.

all my life, i strive for things, i don't accept things. i mean, who wants to settle? a little voice in me tells me, if all these things happen, this thing i want, i can still have it. acceptance is just not cool. i'm fighting tooth and nail not to get there. the weird thing is, i suppose, if and when i finally arrive there, it's not too terrible. and i may even wonder why i struggled so hard not to get there. but maybe such true acceptance is a myth. i'll never be able to rationalize my regrets away.

but there are degrees of acceptance and non-acceptance. things don't have to be absolutely one way or another.

and this non-acceptance is a just part of the deal, part of the road. the key is to parse out the struggle - am i struggling against reality, or am i struggling against my acceptance of reality?

struggle against reality = worth the trouble; struggle against acceptance of reality = not so smart.

maybe, one day, when i've finally come to terms with things, in the words of my good friend, i will also see that "it is so tragic that i find it funny".

the simplicity of a morning run

there's the sound of my breathing, there's the familiar faint soreness somewhere.

there's me, my shoes, the pavement.

it's so simple, and all there is to do, is to put one foot in front of another.

overestimation

remember that:

i overestimate the degree of my obstacles, and underestimate the adversity others face.

i overestimate my own sacrifices, and underestimate what others, my loved ones, people i will never know nor meet, have sacrificed for me.

i overestimate my understanding of things, and despite whatever effort i have put in this, i'm at the very beginnings of anything.

i overestimate my ability to change things in the world, but underestimate my ability to change myself.

my ultimate goal

so somehow, i pulled this out of my ass. 365 entries for the year of 2010.

at the end of any long race, the feeling is always more of relief than anything else. it's actually done. whatever i have gained, or lost, is probably discernible only a bit of time later.

i leave 2010 with one thought.

as long as i can remember, my ultimate focus has been on achieving things.

the challenge now, is to slowly start to realize that the higher, more difficult, but ultimately more rewarding goal, is to focus on discarding things.

the formula, part two

in addition to part one:

the more me i feel, the harder it is to get off the rat race and find long lasting contentment.

the less me i perceive, the larger the proportional happiness of anything.

sustainable selflessness

how much do i sacrifice for my loved ones?

the word "sacrifice" in itself means there is something i'm giving up, possibly with no return. when i truly expect no return, then the word doesn't even mean anything anymore. well, not that i expect to get there this life time.

but it's still a relevant question.

to the extent that i can remain sane, as much as possible.

ideally, food, clothing, shelter, and rest are not worries. there's the old cliche that if i can't take care of myself, i can't take care of others. perhaps a slight modification is that if i ignore myself to take care of others, while noble, it helps them in the short term, but when i burnout and break down, i'm certainly not helping any one in the long term. so maybe there should a term called "sustainable selflessness".

like all things, it's a fine balance, learned through trial and error.

if there is one personal thing i need to do for myself, wake up that one hour earlier to do it. it will help keep me sane.

in any case, the less ego and attachment i have in the first place, the less the consequences matter. "how much is enough" is no longer a question, it just becomes something that happens.

the problem of different levels

it's always a bit weird that i may hear the same concept a dozen times, and finally, something finally clicks, and i "get it".

this particular one is the problem of different levels. on one hand, i know i'm blessed with all sorts of good fortune. while i'm writing, i try to imagine the different responses, and inevitably they become variations of you don't have to worry and you won't understand, because you don't have money problems/don't have kids/don't have health issues/have too much free time. and i get stuck because one, they're somewhat true at this point, and two, contemplation does seem to be a bit of a frivolous luxury. so, i have immense difficulty writing things that might apply across the spectrum, even to my future self when i encounter these various issues.

so, today, i came across the well-known quote: 窮則獨善其身，達則兼善天下. and suddenly the issue crystallized.

no matter what state me, or the future-me will be in, there is still self-reflection to do, self-virtue to cultivate, and greater things to serve. the actual percentage of what is doable, will largely depend on my economic/health/family status. even if i have absolutely no time, no bandwidth, no money, no health, that does not preclude me from doing the right things when i have the choice to. that act in itself is it.

sure. i can have as many reasons as i want to, there's no one stopping me.

whatever level i'm at, or will be at, i can't control. but i could stop making excuses.

uneasiness

as the year, this daily blog practice, and certain parts of my life, all draw towards a close, i seem to have this pervading sense of uneasiness.

perhaps, all this "progress" has been an illusion?

perhaps, suffering really is inescapable, despite my realization that i'm a speck of a speck?

perhaps, effort really is futile?

perhaps, i'm destined to be thrown around in the oceans of fate, never getting used to either the storm or the calm?

perhaps, i'll be forever caught in the no-man's land of neither being spiritual enough to find contentment, nor being intellectual enough to fully comprehend the intricacies of existence?

perhaps, life is all downhill from here?

and i wonder if i can just forget contemplating about these things, after all, most, if not all, people do completely fine without ever worrying about it. or, i just keep myself so busy i won't have the time to worry about it.

i just need to accept, that i can't stop myself from wondering. it doesn't matter that no one else is wondering.

and that it's my mind being tossed around, really. things outside, well, the things that change, change, the things that don't change, don't change.

which is to say, things will go on no matter how my mind perceives them, so, it's ok to relax about it.

unanticipated things

at the start of my run, i worried if it'd be too cold, if my foot would suddenly cramp up, if i'd get hungry, if i'd have the motivation to cover the 20km i wanted to. after all, i hadn't run this far since the marathon back in february.

2km in, i realized, my throat was getting dry. by 4km, my thirst was getting pretty unbearable. it was not remotely a problem i had considered. in the summer, perhaps, but not when the weather was this cold and i had been well hydrated before the start. but, it was another 4km before i could run back to my starting point for my water bottle. so, it wasn't that i had a choice anyway.

if i walked, then it'd be even longer before i could get a drink. run too fast, even worse things might happen. i could already feel an impending headache, which didn't make sense to me, as i thought logically there's just no way i could be dehydrated, so it was probably just in the mind. at the same time, i was beginning to be able to taste blood at the back of my throat. each breath hurt a little bit more.

but, somehow, in trying to block out everything except to tell myself one step at a time, one step at a time, i made it back, and i took the sweetest drink of water.

and i smiled at my own attempt to foresee all problems, to plan for everything. still, one small bit of experience gained.

the things i carry

but i have burdens now. i have obligations. responsibilities outside of myself. i have family. i have people who rely on me. if i fail, my family suffers. there are risks i can no longer afford to take. it isn't even about "me" anymore. most of the time, i'm worrying about things that aren't about me. in fact, all the time, i'm worrying about things that are related to me, but not "me" me.

but without really taking care of myself, without doing the necessary mental work, i'll just remain in there, stuck in that particular state of existence. and my loved ones, i'm just providing for them. which is nice, and necessary, but i'm not doing anything beyond.

the question is, am i helping them to get to having long term well-being as well?

the work still has to be done. it's possibly even more important to get my act together. so they gain that extra bit of internal happiness as well.

the formula

the formula really is so simple.

the more internal happiness i find within, the less i need to get it from outside things.

meaning as use

meaning comes from use. no use, no meaning.

how not to get lost

one of the hardest things is how to write about existence and meaning without going insane.

on an atomic level, i'm an unbelievably complicated arrangement of atoms.

on a cosmic level, i'm a blink of a blink in the universe.

on a human level, i'm a member of my family, my society, and i have things i do to keep things working the way they're supposed to.

on a personal level, i'm a person, enveloped in the everyday things i do.

if i zoom in to the level of atoms, the things in me have always existed, just in a different form. if i zoom out even just to the level of human civilization, my existence makes little difference.

yet, the only level it makes sense to me on a day-to-day basis is my singular perspective about what i need, what i have to do. but in the back of my mind, not to belittle myself, but i know whatever it is i'm doing is a re-arrangement of atoms, pre-determined or otherwise, and in any case, totally insignificant in the grand scheme of things. but of course i keep doing them.

here are the rules on how not to get lost.

- assume self-interest is the basic reason for human existence.

- most people peer through the world via their own eyes. pick three people and view the world from their eyes.

- don't go zooming until it's absolutely necessary.

- the message is just a small part of things. remember, words are futile. always provide space to reflect.

maintaining sanity

when all else fails, observe the mind.

even in the midst of total insanity, observe the mind.

and take one more step back, and observe the observer of the mind.

as time goes by

it seems to me in the long road of life, burdens really just get heavier as we grow older. or, they were always there, just that for some of us lucky ones, we had our parents to take care of them.

time really becomes more and more sparse. and time really is kind of important.

so if i were to chat with my younger self, i'd probably tell him it is worth it to try to figure out, even approximately, the principles i want to live by, as you're not going to have time later in life. and then it's too late.

what do i want to be remembered by?

this is such a weird question for me now. the simple answer, now, is i really wouldn't care. i mean, ideally, at my eulogy, people would say more nice things than bad things (it seems like a reasonable thing to wish for), but the way things work, at these eulogies, people say nice things about the worst people anyway.

i'm trying to recall when i went from "i want to remembered as this great person" to "i'm dead, why would it make a difference?" to "ok, it would probably not be a bad thing if somehow people become happier/inspired/etc etc if i died". the last one does sound weird, but it's really is kind of the only thing that would remotely matter.

i suppose it's a bit of a continuum. the difficult part is realizing that, regardless of whether there's an afterlife or not, whether anyone remembers me, the way i should live my life should really be the same.

don't forget

if and when i go up the ladder of things, or even when i'm climbing up the ladder of things, it's all too easy to forget the view from the bottom of things.

if i only keep looking up to climb up certain ladders, it's easy to forget i might be sliding down the much larger ladder.

stardust

i'm here this moment because of some uncountable trillions of physical reactions, all from residues of stardust. the atoms in my body are a billions of years old.

as far as i can tell, the laws of physics will continue to hold true, at least in the foreseeable future.

so yup, things will happen the way they're supposed to happen.

i'm worthless

so are we all.

in the large scheme of things, it doesn't matter.

the only thing to do is to find the things that i find meaningful.

it really is ok if no one else thinks so.

because if we step back enough steps, and the view is long, long term enough, nothing that anyone is doing is meaningful.

and if something meaningful is just too hard to find, just find something to do that makes somebody else happier. then, i'll be slightly less worthless.

my biggest attachments

external things i need:

family, friends, quiet time, good food, good sleep.

things my ego needs:

career success; intellectual superiority; being cool.

eeek. this is not pretty.

for a moment, a magic wand has taken away these things.

i better have built up my reservoir of understanding, so when these things go, that really is all there to it, that they're gone. the task at hand is just to find that elusive peace of mind once again, that just had another layer stripped away, but also just darted away to some dark, hidden corner.

theoretically, when i find it again, it will be even clearer, brighter.

do it

because it needs to be done.

falling behind

this is perhaps my single biggest fear, the beast that follows me around like my own shadow. everyone out there is busy doing something more productive, more meaningful, just better in every sense.

the people that i used to think were my peers, they're now managing directors, parents, landlords, entrepreneurs, people who are simply further ahead in the path of life.

and me? i'm just wallowing around, almost aimlessly. i think i have a general direction, but i couldn't really explain it if i tried. on one hand, i seem to have managed to figure some things out. on the other, i'm still asking myself, so what? and then?

i'm also conscious of the problem that, even if i had taken a different route, and somehow had ended up becoming one of these people i admire, i'd still be asking myself - so what? and then?

and i know we're all running around in circles, figuratively and literally, on this floating ball of rock in space. and, eventually, we all end up in the very same place. the pace doesn't matter too much, since we will all get there. but, life still feels like a damn race to me.

so... if i really insist on thinking that life is a race, i better figure out which race it is i want to run. if i'm running the wrong one, it doesn't matter if i race far, far ahead.

there are races that i have to keep a jogging pace (health, rent payments), races i shouldn't give a crap about (coolness and popularity).

the hardest race for me, it seems, is the one to locate the peace of mind. the reason it's so damn hard is the circumstances change all the time, requiring something different every time. and if i don't count myself, there's no opponent. there is never going to be a quantifiable score that i can be "more peaceful" than someone else.

but it's the one race where i might be able to win, without anyone losing, where i can actually go faster when i help others along the road. one race i know i'm winning when i realize that winning is not so important.

the one race that can make sense of all the other races.

changing lens

if i zoom out, i see patterns i never knew were there.

if i zoom in, i see details i never appreciated before.

most of the time, these levels aren't quite relevant, they really have no bearing on my life, not at this instant at least.

but when i'm in the middle of the maelstrom of things, it's a good reminder not to take myself too seriously.

strengths and flaws

my strengths today, can be my flaws tomorrow. particularly if i rely too much on them.

my flaws today, can be my strengths tomorrow. particularly if i learn from them.

the things to do

do things that are important, not things that are urgent.

(create a ratio or something. for every three urgent things, one important thing has to be done.)

do things because they make sense to me, not because everyone else is doing it.

(that way, i only have myself to blame.)

do a few things damn good, not many things pretty good.

(or, at least attempt to do so.)

do things because they need to be done, not because they're convenient and available.

(especially the things that need to be done, but people don't want to do.)

what if i have nothing to show for after doing, or attempting to do, these things of supposed importance?

i seem to forget the only person that really cares about what i have to show for, is my own mind.

certainty is overrated

this thing i'm doing, that causes me undue stress and anxiety -

because it's uncertain, and i don't know how it will turn out?

or because it's actually wrong?

if it's not the latter, there's really nothing to worry about.

in the long run, pretty much everything takes turns in causing stress and anxiety. and they also take their turns becoming fine again.

the sheer agony of objective review

for the first time, i am now starting to try to make sense of all these ramblings over the past year.

each of these little blog entries is like a little war inside my brain, only that there might not be two sides, and it's more like a mosh-pit turned into a free-for-all fight.

re-reading these things is like remembering the gory details of these fights, and re-reading many of them all in one go feels like i'm drinking from a firehose, and that the firehose is spouting gasoline.

it's also a bit demoralizing to see the same questions being asked over and over, and there are far more questions than answers. and i confuse even myself. and a lot of it is just not very good, despite the effort.

so this is what i have to show for a year's worth of work? but what did i expect? one, it's only a year. two, who did i think i was. three, i still have a long, long way to go.

reviewing my own things with an objective eye is just so, so excruciating. which is why i try to avoid most of the time. which is why it's so damn important.

the sources of melancholy

(assuming basic life needs have been fulfilled here...)

i'm falling behind.

i won't live up to my own expectations.

i'm going to be very mediocre.

i will be irrelevant.

i have potential, but that's it, it just remains as potential.

i won't realize my dreams - they will remain that forever, just dreams.

i don't even know what dreams are anymore.

***

is that all? so what, now i did what i wanted to do?

is this already the highest point of my life? where else to go? there's nowhere to go but down.

am i really that good? or am i just lucky? what if people see through it?

what if i somehow lose it all?

***

the pains of me almost always overshadow the pains of the world.

the more me i feel, the greater my pain.

i like being told what to do

i'd like to know that i'm doing the right thing. i'd like to know i'm doing it well. i'd like to know this way forward is the best way forward.

horrifyingly i realized, this are pretty much the components of someone who likes being told what to do.

fortunately and unfortunately, i seem to still have the teenage-like rebellious mentality of not listening to any figure of authority or seniority.

which means, there's no way for me to satisfy my need to know for sure that things will be ok. (not that figures of authority really know, by the way. but there is an interim false sense of security they can provide.)

so, i really have to learn to live with not knowing where i'm going. either that, or find the answers myself that i'm so fully convinced of there's not a shred of doubt in my mind.

unfairness happens

one of the great mysteries of human psychology is my desire to be superior and the world to be fair at the same time.

i want the world to be fair so everyone has the same starting point. i want to be better than everyone so i am better, because of me, not because of my circumstances. that makes me feel nice.

and of course unfairness happens. to me, to you, to him, to her, to it, to us, to them.

over the long run, does karma do its thing, and do things equalize and simply become fair?

or, i simply come to accept the status quo as reasonably fair, since it's the way the world works? and justify i am where i am because i'm quicker, smarter, braver, a generally better human being?

or, i'm actually trying to do something about the way things are?

the loop

the loop, also known as the death recursion into the existential abyss.

it starts when i wonder what i'm doing with myself. then, i start to ponder existence generally. then soon, i realize there is no inherent meaning in existence generally, and whatever meaning we instill in things is just that, creations of my mind. suddenly, nothing matters anymore.

it is a fine line between being passively nihilistic and coming to terms with this emptiness of things.

it is precisely because nothing matters anymore, that the only thing that matters is my peace of mind, whichever way i get there.

my greatest individual achievement

is still dependent on other people. the people who went before me, who inspired me, who taught me, who built the platform that i could even succeed on.

sure, i wouldn't be here if not for them, but it was me who put in the effort. me who endured the dark times. me who overcame these insurmountable odds.

i created this achievement out of thin air - well, the earth was created out of thin air. (and some dust). but if i had to design myself from scratch i'd still make myself believe that i was the source of this achievement.

how much of this awesome achievement i think is mine reflects more of my understanding of things than anything else.

and it's always funny how these attributions get flipped around in the case of my greatest individual failure.

things people should do

as they say, we can lead a horse to the water but we can't make it drink.

people will only focus on doing what they feel like doing, not what we think they should do (or even what they think they should do, for that matter).

even if we are unequivocally convinced we are right (which is a lot rarer than we think), there's absolutely no reason for them to do what we think is good for them. one, we may not be right, and two, we might be right but the timing's not right for them, or three, they simply don't feel like it.

the focus should really be on being a pond, and hopefully a not-too-murky pond. and hopefully not poison anybody that happens to come along.

i wouldn't know where to start

this really is a variation of the question of finding direction.

"where" is never the right question. we can start anywhere. today. right now. right here.

the real question is what we're willing to trade.

will i trade in my bad-but-feels-good habit in return for something that will suck at first, but will change my life for the better?

will i trade in my precious free time for a deep exploration of what i really care about?

will i trade in my comfortable status quo in return for a courageous leap into the unknown?

show me the appreciation

remember to show appreciation. genuine appreciation. it's as, or more, important that seeking support in the first place. that's the thing that continues the relationship beyond the hit-and-run.

if someone expended their effort, their resources to go out of their way to help me and support my causes, i sure should devote the time to tell them i appreciated it.

at the very least, hopefully it helps to motivate them to continue to go out of their way to help others.

why bother with anything?

in the simplest terms, because...

- not doing anything means i'll starve and that's not so enjoyable.

- i feel like it, that's all. pleasure-seeking, if you will.

- if i don't do this, bad things will happen. pain-avoidance, if you will.

- doing something, anything, is better than boredom.

which leads us back to the simple question: how to i maximize my sense of well-being over the remainder of my life?

(finding the right question to ask and framing it appropriately, is as difficult as finding the answer)

finish him!

i have all these random ideas for things...

starting things is easy. following through is harder. then i pause. then it gets really hard. the finished goal that seemed like a nice thing seems kind of pointless afterall. then it starts to feel impossible (and pointless). somehow when i myself get to define the end-goal, the closer i get, the fuzzier the picture gets.

am i wasting my time? hasn't this been done before? wouldn't other people do a better job than me? rather, shouldn't i keep doing what i do best, which is... what anyway? let's face it, whatever i can do best, someone out there is better at it than me anyway?

so, finish things. finishing one or two even possibly pointless things is still better than having ten always half-finished things. half-finished things don't do much except to disappoint.

(imagine if liu kang never finished. that would be no point.)

information vs knowledge vs wisdom

for all intensive purposes, i am an information junkie. i am addicted to getting more news, more information, more research. even i may not understand it, anything that pertains to technology, media, astronomy, psychology, religion, i can't quite get enough of.

this presents a problem now that i have access to unlimited information (and limited time and attention). first, i have no idea about its veracity, secondly, even if i only read the as-true-as-humanly-possible ones there would still be unlimited information. people spend their entire lives researching one aspect of these massive subjects.

no matter how much new information that i'm gaining, a decent portion of time must be spent on digestion and integration. otherwise, it's just information. not knowledge.

and knowledge is the thing that makes us a bit wiser. and sometimes, knowledge can even be a bit unsettling at first. after a bit of time and consideration, perhaps then it becomes wisdom, which, eventually, brings us peace of mind.

corpses are tasty

the topic of vegetarianism is so complicated i've avoided it as long as possible. but at some point, as i'm nearing the end of the year, the hard topics need to be tackled. one of the more useful online debates here.

in some ways, it's simple. if we believe that killing is bad, violence is bad, especially to creatures that have nervous systems, then eating meat is not so good. if we had to kill the animals for every piece of meat we had, we probably wouldn't eat so much of it. of course our ancestors hunted and killed to survive - in fact, research shows that the reason our brains have evolved to be so large, could be due to the excess calories in these dead animals that could sustain our brain, this very energy intensive organ.

so isn't eating animals just a natural cycle of life? it depends if we are viewing it from a life-sustaining perspective or a life-enjoying perspective. we (referring to most of us in the developed world at least) are eating dead animals because their corpses taste good, not because we need them to survive. the traditional cycle of life was to survive and have offspring - now we're doing things way beyond what's necessary for survival, but we still refer to eating animals as "natural"? it was natural, no doubt. today? for one, most of the processed food is far from natural. necessary? no, at least not to the current extent.

all the ethical, environmental and spiritual matters aside, there are probably two main issues that got me on the road to becoming an aspiring vegetarian. (for my own personal reference, i'm having meat every 2 months or so).

the first issue is the nature of consciousness, and how different i am from an animal. am i at the top of the pyramid or am i in a entirely different universe? does the animal on my plate have (or had) consciousness, did it fear death, did it endure pain? after poring over books exploring artificial intelligence, recursive neurons, i am now of the view that consciousness is simply an emergent phenomenon. more neurons, more loops, more consciousness. so yes, a cow has rudimentary consciousness. it feels pain. it fears death.

the second issue is how much i value my enjoyment at the expense of others. this is different from being compassionate - that's way too grand and not appropriate for me. in short, i like to enjoy myself, but does it take away from others' enjoyment? if i make more money than someone else, he might make less as a result, but it's not exactly a zero-sum game and they're too many factors that come into play. it's not a black-and-white conclusion that i have directly been involved in taking away his things. so, i don't feel so bad. in the case of animals, now that i know they feel the things we do, albeit in a different and dulled way, taking their lives for my own personal enjoyment (or convenience) feels pretty direct.

do i feel that eating animals is wrong? honestly, i do not feel the pangs of conscience that some of my other more kindly friends feel. rather than feeling it's wrong, i know it's wrong. when i see a slab of bbq pork, i think about how tasty it is first, and then i think about the pig, and then i remember it might not be so good to enjoy the dead pig. so in my strange case, rational reasoning is how i got here.

years later, when i look back, i wonder, will i see this as a brief period of idealism when i tried to put interests of others above myself? or, is this just the start of a long, bumpy journey?

focus on the craft

that bright shiny new tool always looks better than what we have, until the even brighter and shinier tool comes along.

some nicer tools are no doubt helpful. but not that helpful. we seem to forget there are people out there making a living out of making us want to buy these things. they'll profess that we're the most important and we're always right, but i would not say they're exactly on our side.

and look at the true masters - their tools, in whichever profession, are usually pretty basic.

when in doubt, focus on the craft.

the nature of meaning

to continue to beat this meaning horse to death...

meaning for different people are obviously really different. some people like to save dolphins, others like to build orphanages. some devote their lives to creating change in the public eye, others prefer to retreat into a cave to meditate for the rest of their lives.

so is leading a meaningful life a physiological reaction that makes us feel warm and fuzzy? and why do people seek meaning in the first place? (we generally don't, there are too many things to do and too many distractions). but, we generally assume we're here for a reason. just because i can't understand it this moment doesn't mean my life is meaningless. plenty of people depend on me, and i depend on a lot of people. isn't that meaning enough already?

but is there a greater meaning, a macro-level meaning, beyond the day-to-day that i need to get up to go to work so i can finish that project so i can get my salary so i can eat so i can feed my family so i can pay rent so i won't starve so i won't die. not yet at least, since i have all these other things i need to do. sure, none of that matters after i die, but since i'm not dead, i still need to get up to go to work.

is there an ultimate reason for my existence? if it doesn't impact my daily life, why am i still looking for it?

alternatively, could we exist happily knowing our lives are devoid of what i regard as meaning? get that warm fuzzy feeling, while realizing life's inherent meaninglessness, freed from the bondage of having to search for meaning? can this trickle down to the feeling of freedom on a day-to-day basis?

how do i gel the deep contradiction of knowing there is no true freedom and yet that is supposed to set us truly free?

the paradox of possibilities

today's technology, advertisements, and news headlines lead to one important conclusion - the world is full of infinite possibilities.

ironically, no matter how many more possibilities i will read and hear about, some limits haven't changed - the number of years i have left, the hours i have in a day, the number of things i can do. the denominator is ever increasing, but the numerator stays the same.

choice is empowering, because it is a luxury and i can write my own destiny. i can decide what seeds to sow and what fruits to harvest.

and choice is agonizing, because, in relation to the ever-expanding universe of possibilities, the limits of what i can do become painfully obvious. at the moment of decision, the consequences can never be foreseen. and i don't know if a storm will wipe out the entire crop.

which is why, it is weirdly comforting to remember that actual control over things is an illusion at best.