the people that i used to think were my peers, they're now managing directors, parents, landlords, entrepreneurs, people who are simply further ahead in the path of life.
and me? i'm just wallowing around, almost aimlessly. i think i have a general direction, but i couldn't really explain it if i tried. on one hand, i seem to have managed to figure some things out. on the other, i'm still asking myself, so what? and then?
i'm also conscious of the problem that, even if i had taken a different route, and somehow had ended up becoming one of these people i admire, i'd still be asking myself - so what? and then?
and i know we're all running around in circles, figuratively and literally, on this floating ball of rock in space. and, eventually, we all end up in the very same place. the pace doesn't matter too much, since we will all get there. but, life still feels like a damn race to me.
so... if i really insist on thinking that life is a race, i better figure out which race it is i want to run. if i'm running the wrong one, it doesn't matter if i race far, far ahead.
there are races that i have to keep a jogging pace (health, rent payments), races i shouldn't give a crap about (coolness and popularity).
the hardest race for me, it seems, is the one to locate the peace of mind. the reason it's so damn hard is the circumstances change all the time, requiring something different every time. and if i don't count myself, there's no opponent. there is never going to be a quantifiable score that i can be "more peaceful" than someone else.
but it's the one race where i might be able to win, without anyone losing, where i can actually go faster when i help others along the road. one race i know i'm winning when i realize that winning is not so important.
the one race that can make sense of all the other races.
