unfairness happens

one of the great mysteries of human psychology is my desire to be superior and the world to be fair at the same time.

i want the world to be fair so everyone has the same starting point. i want to be better than everyone so i am better, because of me, not because of my circumstances. that makes me feel nice.

and of course unfairness happens. to me, to you, to him, to her, to it, to us, to them.

over the long run, does karma do its thing, and do things equalize and simply become fair?

or, i simply come to accept the status quo as reasonably fair, since it's the way the world works? and justify i am where i am because i'm quicker, smarter, braver, a generally better human being?

or, i'm actually trying to do something about the way things are?

when i'm alone

once in a while - there's the feeling that i am this random single entity in a nameless ocean.

i can't even put a finger on the feeling.

there's a bit of helplessness, i'm by myself in the world, and it really is only myself. absolutely no one cares what i do or think.

there's a bit of the fear of the unknown, i have no clue what the heck i'm going to do and how to survive the rest of my journey. the only thing i'm sure of is there's certain death at the end of the journey.

there's a bit of awe, i am no different from the rocks at my feet. after all, going back to the food chain, i'm only made up of sun, water and dirt, and i'm simply an interim phase for these trillions of atoms. and this particular combination i call "me" is attempting to contemplate such matters.

there's a bit of exhilaration, that i really am free for those moments. absolutely no one cares what i do or think.

perhaps, in those moments, i find out a little bit more about myself.

what do other people think of me?

am i more concerned with what other people think of me, or what i think of myself?

or, what other people think of how i think of myself?

are the greater goals for myself simply an indirect attempt to improve what other people think of me?

strangely, most of the time, most people spend quite a bit of time wondering what other people think of ourselves. the remaining time, i seem to spend it on thinking of how other people compare to me.

too little time, way too little time, i spend thinking of how i think of myself.

respect

sometimes, all we wish for is respect. sometimes, we live our lives trying to get other people's respect.

the nice thing about other people's respect (or disrespect) is fast and visible. if i'm being treated like a nobody, that's probably a sign of disrespect.

self-respect, however, is much harder to locate. there's no instruction manual. but if i think long and hard, i'll see the outlines of it. so it's the exact opposite: self-respect takes too much thinking to understand, and has the tendency to hide under the louder things in life.

but a lot of times, we seem to want to place our desire for other people's respect over our own self-respect.

effort, luck, karma

when good things happen to us, is that our effort, just luck or good karma?

when bad things happen to us, is that our effort, luck or bad karma?

and when good things happen to deserving people? undeserving people?

and when bad things happen to deserving people? undeserving people?

should the answer (whether it's effort, luck, karma, or some kind of combination) be consistent across these questions?

i'm not mediocre

i wish to be happy.

i need to be alive, with food, shelter, nourishment to be happy.

i need money to be alive, to have food, shelter, nourishment.

i need a job to have money.

i need to work hard to have and keep a job.

at some point, this becomes:

i want to be better than most, if not all people, by whatever measure comes to mind.

i need a really nice apartment, awesome gadgets/clothes/sound system/food to be in this "above average" group.

i need lots of money to get all these awesome things.

i need to work really, really hard to make sure i continue to be really well paid, because, well, i couldn't live without my awesome things. i don't need to be more popular/respected/rich, i suppose, but well, actually, that's the point of my life. i'm not a mediocre person, i'm an awesome, one-of-a-kind, definitely way-above-average kind of guy.

maybe, the actual issue is we like to be awesome at the things that don't matter so much, and end up being mediocre or below-average at the things that matter.

and what matters now? some possibilities here.

look at me!

i am so cool.

i am so smart.

i am so successful.

i have so many superior achievements.

i have so many friends who comment on my facebook status updates.

i have so many people who respect me because i am so senior and experienced.

and the real questions are...

am i still in a school popularity contest?

what am i using my apparent "smartness" for?

remind me, what exactly is the big deal about success?

are these achievements really mine, isn't it only a matter of circumstances?

do i rely on these dopamine boosts to validate my existence on this floating rock in space?

do i treat everyone else with the even more genuine respect, because they deserve it more than me?

dreams and basic needs

let's for a moment assume we are among the lucky ones on the planet, with our current basic basic needs of food, water, shelter fulfilled. (no matter how smart or talented we are, if we were born in say zimbabwe, our chances of having basic basic needs are not so high).

our next goals become i) improving our basic basic needs to some appropriate level that satisfies our perceived basic needs, ii) securing a future, or some kind of guarantee that our perceived basic needs will continue to be fulfilled, and perhaps iii) rainy day money/resources for the yet-to-be-determined disaster.

then, we move on to satisfying our "actual" needs, nicely shaped by the 3,000 ads we are exposed to every day.

so how basic are our basic needs? what about our basic basic needs? how low can we go? what is the bare minimum? the bare bare minimum?

now, juxtaposing this against some particular dream we have (assuming for now it's not owning a ferrari or some equivalent). usually something we'd pursue when money was no longer an issue. there are two ways to satisfy the money problem. the first way is to make lots of it, to reach the mythical level of having "FU money". the second way is to find satisfaction in our true basic needs, as opposed to our "actual" needs. it is entirely possible that the former is easier for some of us.

if that dream requires large amounts of capital, then the added task is to find others who share your dream. if we truly are living on the bare minimum - we're actually giving ourselves a better chance of making that dream a reality.

but of course, we don't want our families to suffer. yes, we want the best for them. isn't it selfish to try to achieve whatever grand goal we have at the expense of their welfare, especially if you are the breadwinner of the family?

well, what about a conversation? what about their dreams? would you be willing to live on the bare minimum to fulfill their dreams?

this is not for yourself

well, it kind of is. i started this particular blog, writing for this particular brain-based entity otherwise known as myself - writing to clear my thoughts, to figure out if i could possibly be a "reasonably good" person, to figure out the meaning of life, the meaning of meaning.

of course, things are going get in the way. sometimes, circumstances simply don't allow me to write every day, and i'll get angry and depressed. other times, i'll stare at the screen, typing out words that simply are not conveying what i'm trying to say. or, i don't know what i'm trying to say and typing is not helping. still other times, only destructive thoughts come to mind and trying to be good is the absolutely last thing on my mind.

work. phone calls. emergencies. girlfriend. anything that interrupts me and my task of figuring out everything in life. yes, i even understand the logic behind the theory that "true understanding" would entail maintaining calm and figuring how all these interruptions (obvious facts of life) fit into this grand theory.

the only issue is the theory is not very grand at all and has long been figured out. it's the application thereof that's a bitch.

the simple theory is: this is not for yourself.

no, i have no idea who it's for, but it definitely cannot be for myself. it's the only way to sustain this blog, and, somewhat ironically, to stay sane.

someone other than yourself

is it really possible to live a life for the benefit of someone other than yourself?

isn't all economic theory based on the theory that we are self-interested individuals?

isn't that the basis of capitalism, or even democracy?

is it simply intrinsically nonsensical?

if everyone did this, wouldn't the world go to hell?

how is it then possibly the great secret to true happiness? or is it simply the greatest way to delude ourselves?