how not to get lost

one of the hardest things is how to write about existence and meaning without going insane.

on an atomic level, i'm an unbelievably complicated arrangement of atoms.

on a cosmic level, i'm a blink of a blink in the universe.

on a human level, i'm a member of my family, my society, and i have things i do to keep things working the way they're supposed to.

on a personal level, i'm a person, enveloped in the everyday things i do.

if i zoom in to the level of atoms, the things in me have always existed, just in a different form. if i zoom out even just to the level of human civilization, my existence makes little difference.

yet, the only level it makes sense to me on a day-to-day basis is my singular perspective about what i need, what i have to do. but in the back of my mind, not to belittle myself, but i know whatever it is i'm doing is a re-arrangement of atoms, pre-determined or otherwise, and in any case, totally insignificant in the grand scheme of things. but of course i keep doing them.

here are the rules on how not to get lost.

- assume self-interest is the basic reason for human existence.

- most people peer through the world via their own eyes. pick three people and view the world from their eyes.

- don't go zooming until it's absolutely necessary.

- the message is just a small part of things. remember, words are futile. always provide space to reflect.

the sheer agony of objective review

for the first time, i am now starting to try to make sense of all these ramblings over the past year.

each of these little blog entries is like a little war inside my brain, only that there might not be two sides, and it's more like a mosh-pit turned into a free-for-all fight.

re-reading these things is like remembering the gory details of these fights, and re-reading many of them all in one go feels like i'm drinking from a firehose, and that the firehose is spouting gasoline.

it's also a bit demoralizing to see the same questions being asked over and over, and there are far more questions than answers. and i confuse even myself. and a lot of it is just not very good, despite the effort.

so this is what i have to show for a year's worth of work? but what did i expect? one, it's only a year. two, who did i think i was. three, i still have a long, long way to go.

reviewing my own things with an objective eye is just so, so excruciating. which is why i try to avoid most of the time. which is why it's so damn important.

running out of ideas, part 1

ok, i have one hour to write this entry. what do i write about? i have no idea. remember that article about good ideas coming to you when you're bored? there's probably some truth to that. i am too damn busy with absolutely nothing of importance, and i am totally out of any ideas. nothing. this is happening way too frequently. no one is emailing or facebooking me so don't even try. but isn't this being bored thing just an excuse? people push through things to get their shit done and "unable to be bored" seems to be worst excuse ever. yes, it's probably an excuse. but i still need to find something to write about. i could explore the big questions, but i don't have time to think and digest. that takes like half a day. i need to come up with something to fulfill my daily quota. doesn't this defeat the purpose? just writing something to fill a quota? anyone can write to fill a quota. well, no, the secret to success is constant practice right? so this is my daily practice. but i thought you already surrendered success. oh right. the secret to something is practice. that makes a ton of sense, thank you. i can't believe this, you're actually writing on how you're running out of ideas? that's possibly the worst idea ever. you're trying to be reasonably good, not filling a quota. sure, but what the heck am i supposed to do when i have nothing to write about? it happens, calm down. the more you're trying to think of something, the less these things will come. relax man. ok. if you chase too hard after the girl, she's going to run away. so, give chase sometimes, other times, let things be. sometimes, it's ok to let the mind take a random walk.

perfect conditions

sometimes, i think i have the perfect conditions to write. a day of thinking, a late quiet night to myself, so i sit down with my little laptop.

then, things from nowhere start to distract me. there are much more important things than writing, aren't there?

when i try to get back to it, the mind is blank. any vaguely interesting thoughts have all disappeared. i get angry that i got distracted in the first place. my mind goes even blanker. another day passes, another goal missed. before long, the goal seems so far off i might as well give up.

it's easy to meditate in a cave, but infinitely harder to meditate in the middle of a busy life, though all the more important to do so. time to take myself to the next level and to start to write under any conditions. perhaps i need to remember that distractions are a given, peace and quiet the exception rather than the norm.

this is not for yourself

well, it kind of is. i started this particular blog, writing for this particular brain-based entity otherwise known as myself - writing to clear my thoughts, to figure out if i could possibly be a "reasonably good" person, to figure out the meaning of life, the meaning of meaning.

of course, things are going get in the way. sometimes, circumstances simply don't allow me to write every day, and i'll get angry and depressed. other times, i'll stare at the screen, typing out words that simply are not conveying what i'm trying to say. or, i don't know what i'm trying to say and typing is not helping. still other times, only destructive thoughts come to mind and trying to be good is the absolutely last thing on my mind.

work. phone calls. emergencies. girlfriend. anything that interrupts me and my task of figuring out everything in life. yes, i even understand the logic behind the theory that "true understanding" would entail maintaining calm and figuring how all these interruptions (obvious facts of life) fit into this grand theory.

the only issue is the theory is not very grand at all and has long been figured out. it's the application thereof that's a bitch.

the simple theory is: this is not for yourself.

no, i have no idea who it's for, but it definitely cannot be for myself. it's the only way to sustain this blog, and, somewhat ironically, to stay sane.