it's time

it's time to get going again.

one of the laws of the universe state that:

determination is always elusive;

excuses are everywhere to be found.

different goals at different times

sometimes i mistake other people's goals for my own.

sometimes i even mistake my previous goals for my current ones.

of course, my current problems stem from the fact that i'm not quite sure what my current goal exactly is. and there's always a spectrum and overlap among what i think i should do, what i desire to do, what i think fits me to do. people always say, be yourself, find your passion. with all this exploration of my "self" over the past couple of years, i seem to be no closer to figuring out what "being myself" entails. my passion? media is an easy passion. what's not to like? but might it also be a superficial kind of passion, which is the reason i'm at times uncomfortable with it? or i'm just uncomfortable with the pay, the inherent instability of the business?

maybe, these kinds of self-imposed shocks are a good way for me to figure things out.

so i guess, i just have to keep reminding myself, there are no right or wrong choices, but there are kind and less-kind decisions, and there surely are happy and less-happy perspectives.

bright and shiny things

this has been one of the toughest decisions i've had to make in recent memory, and i'm not even quite sure where to start. certainly, a luxury to have the option to choose, but it's also killing me because well, i can only take one of them. the other opportunities, for all intensive purposes, will likely never happen again.

one is essentially a dream job - one that i would be jumping up and down for any other time. i could do it well, it's glamorous, it's right in the middle of the action - in a way, what i have worked towards over the past eight years. the other is uncool, stuffy, but in a way better serves society by way of better resource allocation. it seems to precisely answer my wish to do something more substantial for society and yet maintain some decent quality of living.

the problem with myself is i can argue it any which way i wish to. i can say media is the thing that truly changes lives and inspires people. i can also say insurance forms the backbone of society, and actually helps those when life deals them a bad hand. and at the same time, i am well aware that in either job i'm still a glorified cog, and possibly more so in the insurance business due to the nature of the corporation.

the key issue is there's a disconnect between what i should do vs what i would like to do. there's a disconnect between my conscious and my sub-conscious. and there's even a disconnect between my brain and my heart, even though i'm not quite sure which one is which.

is continuing in media the logical and safe extension given all that i have invested in it? media may be risky but as an industry executive it's in fact totally safe. or is my brain telling me i should go into a socially boring but high growth industry? the industry may be stable but who knows whether i have what it takes to succeed.

is continuing in media what my passion tells me because of its inherent excitement, or is my heart is telling me that i need to dig deep down and focus on the things that matter the most - to do something that has greater meaning to me?

the big question is which one has more meaning to me? or in other words, which one can i find more meaning in? and which one will open up more opportunities to things that i can find more meaning in?

the simpler perspective perhaps is, what do i feel like, where does my passion lie? have i confused my "wish to be cool" with my "passion"? am i forcing myself into this "more meaningful" job? despite my aspirations to be more selfless, am i at the core the same selfish egotistical self i've known all these years? once that job spirals down into boredom and bureaucracy, i'll regret giving up the cool job for the delusion of being able to serve the world better?

the problem is i don't know.

but at this point, with everything a 50/50 toss-up, the only thing i can rely on is to do what matters. or more precisely, do what i think will matter, at this moment.

maybe i'm missing out on the chance to really shape the future of the industry. maybe this is my one chance to become a "somebody" in media.

but in the end, this seems to matter more. i couldn't explain it if i tried. so all i can do is to keep calm, and see how life decides to play along.

those pros

i used to wonder about those "pros". i could take a photo like that, why is he a pro? i could write like that too, why is he a pro? he's not even that good, why is he doing it for a living?

they know that too, actually. they know there are amateurs out there who are good or even better than them. they know they might not be able to maintain their talent and inspiration forever. they know they might be only very mediocre in this cut-throat world.

sure, there are those who are honestly just the best in the world, and they are pro for that reason. but by definition, there is only one, at most a few, "the best" in the world. and there are millions of pros who do things for a living that others consider their hobbies.

now, i admire their courage. many of them turn pro, attempt to make a living out of their passion, knowing full well that they aren't likely to be the best in their profession, knowing full well that somebody better will come along at some point and eat their lunch, knowing full well that there are enough amateurs out there to seriously diminish their value.

sure, some of them are only good at marketing/untalented/have delusions of grandeur. but many are totally cognizant about the harshness of reality, and hella scared of it.

and they still do it.

the degree of spirituality

this is something that bothers me from time to time, especially when i meet people i don't know too well who talk about spirituality, goodness, etc. especially some people who for whatever reason i don't quite click with. i can't explain it. and for some reason, their spirituality seems contrived, even though it is well possible they are thinking the exact same thing about me (even though i rarely discuss these things in real life).

they (the non-click people) might be doing the exact same good and right things as the particular people who click with me, but they still bother me. i really don't know why. and in fact, it leaves me wanting to be less spiritual, as if somehow they're diluting the whole thing.

of course, there's no such thing as degree of spirituality. at least, the people with real wisdom would not regard it so - the essence is the same, it's just the manifestation that's different.

maybe there's no getting around it. just because i love watching movies doesn't mean i'll enjoy every movie i watch, even if it gets awesome reviews from somewhere. different people respond to different things, it's that simple.

so all there is to do is to respect their ways, watch and perhaps even learn what works for them. i go my way, and they go theirs. just like it should be.

and if we really were heading down the right direction, then it's just a matter of time when we meet and realize that the paths may have been different, but we get there all the same. and hopefully at that point i can laugh about my own question.

just another run

am now entering the three week period where i really need to get my runs in, whether i like to or not. well, let's be honest, i almost never "like" to. the time taken to will myself to go out into the biting cold is probably longer than my actual running time. it's totally ridiculous, yet i do it still.

so i guess i was well rested after my longish run last thursday, and i was beginning to feel bad that i hadn't run in three whole days. so at the end of the day, it was still guilt that got me out on the pavement. that can't be a healthy motivational technique, but at this point, i'll resort to anything.

it was indeed damn cold as i got to the jogging path. i was just in my tshirt and shorts, and as usual got some strange looks from people in their big fluffy down jackets. i also knew i'd get warm in due course, but unfortunately that knowledge doesn't in itself make me warm.

so off i went. i wanted to run fast to warm up. but the problem is, if i run too fast, i tire and will pay for it near the end of my run. and also there's the chance i'd pull something as the muscles take time to warm up. so i tried to keep some sort of happy balance, all the while swearing to no one in particular. i remember reading that swearing actually improves our pain tolerance. i always knew that, but it was gratifying to know it had scientific backing. but swearing doesn't make me warm either.

about fifteen twenty minutes in, finally, i could think of something other than "it's fucking cold". there are so many things of late i wasn't quite sure where to even start. but first, i wanted to consider why i had become a perfectionist of sorts. i have always been proud that i am pretty relaxed about things, and perfectionists were strange unhappy people. but a minor glitch on something i had worked on for a while was majorly disturbing me. finally, i decided, it was a miracle of technology i even got it done, and i was being a bit of an ungrateful sonuvabitch to the world. and i felt a little better.

mid-run, finally, i was feeling nice. it astonishes me every single time why there are nice feelings associated with pavement pounding. but it was really a very nice feeling. the tshirt-piercing cold had morphed into a constant fullbody aircon cooling me to the perfect temperature. surprisingly, no knee pain, yet. and things just seemed smooth, almost effortless, as the sky slowly darkened.

of course, these conditions never last very long. my knee started to complain, but fortunately, it was more a whine than a scream. because i slowed down a little, i was feeling cold again. i began to wonder what i could have possibly enjoyed about this, even though it was only several minutes ago, and circumstances hadn't changed at all.

at the same time, i marveled once again how running really does remind me of the cycles of life. i remind myself how i hate people who tell me life is like everything, from chocolates to golf, but i suppose it's because it really means something to them. running is that thing to me. it just somehow reflects my view of life better than golf or chocolates. and i don't even like running. or maybe it's because i don't like running.

a lot of things in my life seem to follow this pattern. it takes me forever to decide to do one thing. then the start is always awful, everything is a confused jumbo of pain, and i question my own sanity. mid-way, for some brief moments, i think it's actually pretty good. 3/4 of the way, it sucks again. after i finish, i'm pretty glad. if i don't finish the way i wanted to, well, i guess i'll have to do better next time. that's where the analogy diverges, because there aren't too many second chances in real life.

anyhow, i did manage to run the 14km i aimed for, without great discomfort, so that much was ok.

so i took a long sip of water, looked out at this city with its sea of lights, each with someone in them running their own tough races, and went home.

睇你點睇

advice on what to do is nice.

advice on how to gain another perspective is even nicer.

the challenge and perspective is, how to create nice things out of any situation? or at least things that feel nice?

in reality

in reality, the problems of the real world are here to stay. no matter how much meditation or soul-searching i do, money won't fall from the sky, and my commitments and responsibilities will go only one way, i.e. to pile up. and one day, at the point of suffocation, i will wonder, what exactly did i do to deserve this?

these things i wish to have - anything from personal time to youth to freedom - for whatever reason, there comes a point when it gets taken away, or i lose it, or i can't have it, or it's out of reach. and i can't accept this new reality.

all my life, i strive for things, i don't accept things. i mean, who wants to settle? a little voice in me tells me, if all these things happen, this thing i want, i can still have it. acceptance is just not cool. i'm fighting tooth and nail not to get there. the weird thing is, i suppose, if and when i finally arrive there, it's not too terrible. and i may even wonder why i struggled so hard not to get there. but maybe such true acceptance is a myth. i'll never be able to rationalize my regrets away.

but there are degrees of acceptance and non-acceptance. things don't have to be absolutely one way or another.

and this non-acceptance is a just part of the deal, part of the road. the key is to parse out the struggle - am i struggling against reality, or am i struggling against my acceptance of reality?

struggle against reality = worth the trouble; struggle against acceptance of reality = not so smart.

maybe, one day, when i've finally come to terms with things, in the words of my good friend, i will also see that "it is so tragic that i find it funny".

the simplicity of a morning run

there's the sound of my breathing, there's the familiar faint soreness somewhere.

there's me, my shoes, the pavement.

it's so simple, and all there is to do, is to put one foot in front of another.

overestimation

remember that:

i overestimate the degree of my obstacles, and underestimate the adversity others face.

i overestimate my own sacrifices, and underestimate what others, my loved ones, people i will never know nor meet, have sacrificed for me.

i overestimate my understanding of things, and despite whatever effort i have put in this, i'm at the very beginnings of anything.

i overestimate my ability to change things in the world, but underestimate my ability to change myself.

my ultimate goal

so somehow, i pulled this out of my ass. 365 entries for the year of 2010.

at the end of any long race, the feeling is always more of relief than anything else. it's actually done. whatever i have gained, or lost, is probably discernible only a bit of time later.

i leave 2010 with one thought.

as long as i can remember, my ultimate focus has been on achieving things.

the challenge now, is to slowly start to realize that the higher, more difficult, but ultimately more rewarding goal, is to focus on discarding things.

the formula, part two

in addition to part one:

the more me i feel, the harder it is to get off the rat race and find long lasting contentment.

the less me i perceive, the larger the proportional happiness of anything.

sustainable selflessness

how much do i sacrifice for my loved ones?

the word "sacrifice" in itself means there is something i'm giving up, possibly with no return. when i truly expect no return, then the word doesn't even mean anything anymore. well, not that i expect to get there this life time.

but it's still a relevant question.

to the extent that i can remain sane, as much as possible.

ideally, food, clothing, shelter, and rest are not worries. there's the old cliche that if i can't take care of myself, i can't take care of others. perhaps a slight modification is that if i ignore myself to take care of others, while noble, it helps them in the short term, but when i burnout and break down, i'm certainly not helping any one in the long term. so maybe there should a term called "sustainable selflessness".

like all things, it's a fine balance, learned through trial and error.

if there is one personal thing i need to do for myself, wake up that one hour earlier to do it. it will help keep me sane.

in any case, the less ego and attachment i have in the first place, the less the consequences matter. "how much is enough" is no longer a question, it just becomes something that happens.

the problem of different levels

it's always a bit weird that i may hear the same concept a dozen times, and finally, something finally clicks, and i "get it".

this particular one is the problem of different levels. on one hand, i know i'm blessed with all sorts of good fortune. while i'm writing, i try to imagine the different responses, and inevitably they become variations of you don't have to worry and you won't understand, because you don't have money problems/don't have kids/don't have health issues/have too much free time. and i get stuck because one, they're somewhat true at this point, and two, contemplation does seem to be a bit of a frivolous luxury. so, i have immense difficulty writing things that might apply across the spectrum, even to my future self when i encounter these various issues.

so, today, i came across the well-known quote: 窮則獨善其身，達則兼善天下. and suddenly the issue crystallized.

no matter what state me, or the future-me will be in, there is still self-reflection to do, self-virtue to cultivate, and greater things to serve. the actual percentage of what is doable, will largely depend on my economic/health/family status. even if i have absolutely no time, no bandwidth, no money, no health, that does not preclude me from doing the right things when i have the choice to. that act in itself is it.

sure. i can have as many reasons as i want to, there's no one stopping me.

whatever level i'm at, or will be at, i can't control. but i could stop making excuses.

uneasiness

as the year, this daily blog practice, and certain parts of my life, all draw towards a close, i seem to have this pervading sense of uneasiness.

perhaps, all this "progress" has been an illusion?

perhaps, suffering really is inescapable, despite my realization that i'm a speck of a speck?

perhaps, effort really is futile?

perhaps, i'm destined to be thrown around in the oceans of fate, never getting used to either the storm or the calm?

perhaps, i'll be forever caught in the no-man's land of neither being spiritual enough to find contentment, nor being intellectual enough to fully comprehend the intricacies of existence?

perhaps, life is all downhill from here?

and i wonder if i can just forget contemplating about these things, after all, most, if not all, people do completely fine without ever worrying about it. or, i just keep myself so busy i won't have the time to worry about it.

i just need to accept, that i can't stop myself from wondering. it doesn't matter that no one else is wondering.

and that it's my mind being tossed around, really. things outside, well, the things that change, change, the things that don't change, don't change.

which is to say, things will go on no matter how my mind perceives them, so, it's ok to relax about it.

unanticipated things

at the start of my run, i worried if it'd be too cold, if my foot would suddenly cramp up, if i'd get hungry, if i'd have the motivation to cover the 20km i wanted to. after all, i hadn't run this far since the marathon back in february.

2km in, i realized, my throat was getting dry. by 4km, my thirst was getting pretty unbearable. it was not remotely a problem i had considered. in the summer, perhaps, but not when the weather was this cold and i had been well hydrated before the start. but, it was another 4km before i could run back to my starting point for my water bottle. so, it wasn't that i had a choice anyway.

if i walked, then it'd be even longer before i could get a drink. run too fast, even worse things might happen. i could already feel an impending headache, which didn't make sense to me, as i thought logically there's just no way i could be dehydrated, so it was probably just in the mind. at the same time, i was beginning to be able to taste blood at the back of my throat. each breath hurt a little bit more.

but, somehow, in trying to block out everything except to tell myself one step at a time, one step at a time, i made it back, and i took the sweetest drink of water.

and i smiled at my own attempt to foresee all problems, to plan for everything. still, one small bit of experience gained.

the things i carry

but i have burdens now. i have obligations. responsibilities outside of myself. i have family. i have people who rely on me. if i fail, my family suffers. there are risks i can no longer afford to take. it isn't even about "me" anymore. most of the time, i'm worrying about things that aren't about me. in fact, all the time, i'm worrying about things that are related to me, but not "me" me.

but without really taking care of myself, without doing the necessary mental work, i'll just remain in there, stuck in that particular state of existence. and my loved ones, i'm just providing for them. which is nice, and necessary, but i'm not doing anything beyond.

the question is, am i helping them to get to having long term well-being as well?

the work still has to be done. it's possibly even more important to get my act together. so they gain that extra bit of internal happiness as well.

the formula

the formula really is so simple.

the more internal happiness i find within, the less i need to get it from outside things.

meaning as use

meaning comes from use. no use, no meaning.

how not to get lost

one of the hardest things is how to write about existence and meaning without going insane.

on an atomic level, i'm an unbelievably complicated arrangement of atoms.

on a cosmic level, i'm a blink of a blink in the universe.

on a human level, i'm a member of my family, my society, and i have things i do to keep things working the way they're supposed to.

on a personal level, i'm a person, enveloped in the everyday things i do.

if i zoom in to the level of atoms, the things in me have always existed, just in a different form. if i zoom out even just to the level of human civilization, my existence makes little difference.

yet, the only level it makes sense to me on a day-to-day basis is my singular perspective about what i need, what i have to do. but in the back of my mind, not to belittle myself, but i know whatever it is i'm doing is a re-arrangement of atoms, pre-determined or otherwise, and in any case, totally insignificant in the grand scheme of things. but of course i keep doing them.

here are the rules on how not to get lost.

- assume self-interest is the basic reason for human existence.

- most people peer through the world via their own eyes. pick three people and view the world from their eyes.

- don't go zooming until it's absolutely necessary.

- the message is just a small part of things. remember, words are futile. always provide space to reflect.