why bother with anything?

in the simplest terms, because...

- not doing anything means i'll starve and that's not so enjoyable.

- i feel like it, that's all. pleasure-seeking, if you will.

- if i don't do this, bad things will happen. pain-avoidance, if you will.

- doing something, anything, is better than boredom.

which leads us back to the simple question: how to i maximize my sense of well-being over the remainder of my life?

(finding the right question to ask and framing it appropriately, is as difficult as finding the answer)

finish him!

i have all these random ideas for things...

starting things is easy. following through is harder. then i pause. then it gets really hard. the finished goal that seemed like a nice thing seems kind of pointless afterall. then it starts to feel impossible (and pointless). somehow when i myself get to define the end-goal, the closer i get, the fuzzier the picture gets.

am i wasting my time? hasn't this been done before? wouldn't other people do a better job than me? rather, shouldn't i keep doing what i do best, which is... what anyway? let's face it, whatever i can do best, someone out there is better at it than me anyway?

so, finish things. finishing one or two even possibly pointless things is still better than having ten always half-finished things. half-finished things don't do much except to disappoint.

(imagine if liu kang never finished. that would be no point.)

information vs knowledge vs wisdom

for all intensive purposes, i am an information junkie. i am addicted to getting more news, more information, more research. even i may not understand it, anything that pertains to technology, media, astronomy, psychology, religion, i can't quite get enough of.

this presents a problem now that i have access to unlimited information (and limited time and attention). first, i have no idea about its veracity, secondly, even if i only read the as-true-as-humanly-possible ones there would still be unlimited information. people spend their entire lives researching one aspect of these massive subjects.

no matter how much new information that i'm gaining, a decent portion of time must be spent on digestion and integration. otherwise, it's just information. not knowledge.

and knowledge is the thing that makes us a bit wiser. and sometimes, knowledge can even be a bit unsettling at first. after a bit of time and consideration, perhaps then it becomes wisdom, which, eventually, brings us peace of mind.

corpses are tasty

the topic of vegetarianism is so complicated i've avoided it as long as possible. but at some point, as i'm nearing the end of the year, the hard topics need to be tackled. one of the more useful online debates here.

in some ways, it's simple. if we believe that killing is bad, violence is bad, especially to creatures that have nervous systems, then eating meat is not so good. if we had to kill the animals for every piece of meat we had, we probably wouldn't eat so much of it. of course our ancestors hunted and killed to survive - in fact, research shows that the reason our brains have evolved to be so large, could be due to the excess calories in these dead animals that could sustain our brain, this very energy intensive organ.

so isn't eating animals just a natural cycle of life? it depends if we are viewing it from a life-sustaining perspective or a life-enjoying perspective. we (referring to most of us in the developed world at least) are eating dead animals because their corpses taste good, not because we need them to survive. the traditional cycle of life was to survive and have offspring - now we're doing things way beyond what's necessary for survival, but we still refer to eating animals as "natural"? it was natural, no doubt. today? for one, most of the processed food is far from natural. necessary? no, at least not to the current extent.

all the ethical, environmental and spiritual matters aside, there are probably two main issues that got me on the road to becoming an aspiring vegetarian. (for my own personal reference, i'm having meat every 2 months or so).

the first issue is the nature of consciousness, and how different i am from an animal. am i at the top of the pyramid or am i in a entirely different universe? does the animal on my plate have (or had) consciousness, did it fear death, did it endure pain? after poring over books exploring artificial intelligence, recursive neurons, i am now of the view that consciousness is simply an emergent phenomenon. more neurons, more loops, more consciousness. so yes, a cow has rudimentary consciousness. it feels pain. it fears death.

the second issue is how much i value my enjoyment at the expense of others. this is different from being compassionate - that's way too grand and not appropriate for me. in short, i like to enjoy myself, but does it take away from others' enjoyment? if i make more money than someone else, he might make less as a result, but it's not exactly a zero-sum game and they're too many factors that come into play. it's not a black-and-white conclusion that i have directly been involved in taking away his things. so, i don't feel so bad. in the case of animals, now that i know they feel the things we do, albeit in a different and dulled way, taking their lives for my own personal enjoyment (or convenience) feels pretty direct.

do i feel that eating animals is wrong? honestly, i do not feel the pangs of conscience that some of my other more kindly friends feel. rather than feeling it's wrong, i know it's wrong. when i see a slab of bbq pork, i think about how tasty it is first, and then i think about the pig, and then i remember it might not be so good to enjoy the dead pig. so in my strange case, rational reasoning is how i got here.

years later, when i look back, i wonder, will i see this as a brief period of idealism when i tried to put interests of others above myself? or, is this just the start of a long, bumpy journey?

focus on the craft

that bright shiny new tool always looks better than what we have, until the even brighter and shinier tool comes along.

some nicer tools are no doubt helpful. but not that helpful. we seem to forget there are people out there making a living out of making us want to buy these things. they'll profess that we're the most important and we're always right, but i would not say they're exactly on our side.

and look at the true masters - their tools, in whichever profession, are usually pretty basic.

when in doubt, focus on the craft.

the nature of meaning

to continue to beat this meaning horse to death...

meaning for different people are obviously really different. some people like to save dolphins, others like to build orphanages. some devote their lives to creating change in the public eye, others prefer to retreat into a cave to meditate for the rest of their lives.

so is leading a meaningful life a physiological reaction that makes us feel warm and fuzzy? and why do people seek meaning in the first place? (we generally don't, there are too many things to do and too many distractions). but, we generally assume we're here for a reason. just because i can't understand it this moment doesn't mean my life is meaningless. plenty of people depend on me, and i depend on a lot of people. isn't that meaning enough already?

but is there a greater meaning, a macro-level meaning, beyond the day-to-day that i need to get up to go to work so i can finish that project so i can get my salary so i can eat so i can feed my family so i can pay rent so i won't starve so i won't die. not yet at least, since i have all these other things i need to do. sure, none of that matters after i die, but since i'm not dead, i still need to get up to go to work.

is there an ultimate reason for my existence? if it doesn't impact my daily life, why am i still looking for it?

alternatively, could we exist happily knowing our lives are devoid of what i regard as meaning? get that warm fuzzy feeling, while realizing life's inherent meaninglessness, freed from the bondage of having to search for meaning? can this trickle down to the feeling of freedom on a day-to-day basis?

how do i gel the deep contradiction of knowing there is no true freedom and yet that is supposed to set us truly free?

the paradox of possibilities

today's technology, advertisements, and news headlines lead to one important conclusion - the world is full of infinite possibilities.

ironically, no matter how many more possibilities i will read and hear about, some limits haven't changed - the number of years i have left, the hours i have in a day, the number of things i can do. the denominator is ever increasing, but the numerator stays the same.

choice is empowering, because it is a luxury and i can write my own destiny. i can decide what seeds to sow and what fruits to harvest.

and choice is agonizing, because, in relation to the ever-expanding universe of possibilities, the limits of what i can do become painfully obvious. at the moment of decision, the consequences can never be foreseen. and i don't know if a storm will wipe out the entire crop.

which is why, it is weirdly comforting to remember that actual control over things is an illusion at best.

how do i find direction in life?

the key is still to find ourselves, however which way we see this "self" of ours.

yes, there's the usual finding our passion, finding what we're good at, finding god.

but even before all that - we need to strip things out. what happens when we have nothing to lean on? all the things i'm proud of, all the sources of my ego, all the things i love, what happens when they're gone? (and lest we forget, they will all be gone, it's just a matter of time).

the more we strip away, even through thought experiments, the closer we might get to the essence of our being. people call it the void, core love, spiritual heart, it doesn't matter.

what we're looking for, is just the barest of what we deem as existence. all things originate from there. all sorts of directions in life are several levels above this barest level.

we have to take a good, honest look at this - this thing i call "i", without all the extra stuff around it.

only then, can our directions start to make any sense.

the holy shit moment

online definition of holy shit: an exclamation of surprise or disbelief, usually occurring when shocked or awed at something extremely amazing.

i'm still grasping the edges of what it means to be spiritual, feel spiritual, get in touch with our inner spirit, be absorbed into the greater human spirit.

the closest i get to these moments are ones when i feel a combination of awe, smallness, connection to something larger, and in short, a moment when i can't help by exclaim "holy shit!" and a host of other swear words. with all due respect to relevant deities.

i feel it when i see extreme beauty in nature, watch a film that seems to reverberate with my being, witness an inspirational act of incredible courage. i also feel it in the middle of deep meditation.

in these times, there's no other word to describe the sensation, other than, "holy shit!". i could say i'm inspired, i'm moved, but the truth is i feel there is some true reality i have managed catch a glimpse of. something that transcends, that is greater than myself.

and i wonder, if this is the so-called brief touch with the real truth, the inner void, the higher self, the cosmic consciousness, the supreme divinity, or whatever people call it? or is it just some random physiological reaction?

everyone's life is cooler than mine

sometimes i think the world i inhabit is composed of neverending movie trailers. everyone's most exciting moments are on full display. every moment, someone else is doing something way more exciting than what i'm doing.

i seem to have forgotten that the people who are doing the really cool things, they aren't sitting around and reading what cool things other people are doing. they're too busy making things happen. silently, consistently, one step by one step.

(now, not that being cool should matter at all, but that's another matter for another day)

i'm right, you're wrong

in conflicts and disagreements, the need to be right, even when i don't say it, is probably one of my biggest sources of frustration.

it sometimes even gets to a point that it no longer matters if i'm actually right or wrong. i just need to feel that i am right, my entire life and sanity depends on it and it becomes my singular focus.

the only way out of this mess is to remember there is no true i. the larger the i, the deeper hole i dig myself into, regardless of the outcome. the smaller the i, the less important the rightness or wrongness of the whole matter is.

wisdom of my teachers

sometimes, i forget, my teachers in life are also human.

they too went through their dark times, whatever those may be, to get to where they are now. and they can now guide me not because they were born teachers, but because of what they have gone through.

most of the time, i take for granted that they had somehow mysteriously and automatically acquired this knowledge and wisdom.

life chasms might perhaps be seen as gym exercises and building blocks for that intangible thing - the thing we can never quite put our finger on, and yet we're certain to somehow exist.

there is no point

there is no point trying to improve sometimes, when the goal post is so far.

yes, i know, we are supposed to progress step-by-step, over the course of many lives, to slowly reach nirvana.

maybe there really is no point.

all i can do really, is calm myself down, and upon realizing that it really doesn't matter, move forward and do some routine things that will hopefully make me feel a tad better.

no, the hard things that take immense mental energy aren't going to go away. but unless i truly calm myself down, those things will take ten times that mental energy.

so calm down. or do something that calms me down.

nature of advice

advice is a weird thing. i usually get lots when i don't need it, but when i am actually seeking some, it's nowhere to be found. or it seems that no one truly understands my dilemma and hence whatever advice i hear seems to be something i've already thought about.

but am i really asking for advice, or am i shopping for agreement, looking for encouragement with whatever it is i have already decided on?

something to bear in mind when i'm attempting to give other people advice.

beyond

beyond a certain level, there are no more right or wrong answers.

there's a simple path to be walked, deep truth to be experienced, and an inner self to be realized.

pies for everyone

simplifying our community into a whole bunch of pies, am i -

- eating more than i need?

- still thinking of how i can get and save up more pies, in case of the rainy day, even though it's already raining like hell elsewhere already?

- reprocessing and repackaging the pies, reselling at better prices? hey, if people are buying it, that's all it counts?

- growing food so there can be more pies?

- thinking of how to bake a better pie?

- better distributing pies so less goes to waste, and somehow getting those extra pies to people who don't have any?

- somehow getting pie over-eaters to consider being pie-builders instead?

- somehow helping to build an infrastructure that gives more people a chance to at least have some pie?

defining labels

when does a person who does yoga become a yogi?

when does a person who runs become a runner?

when does a person who writes become a writer?

when does a person who teaches become a teacher?

when do we define our labels and our professions, and when do they define us?

the inevitable avalanche

by now, i have reasonably good evidence that every time i finish something that could be considered some sort of achievement, not very good things happen.

once the nice, clear-cut goal is done, what replaces it instead is the massive avalanche of all the other things i've been putting off. everything has suddenly become the top priority, all at the same time. afterall, i've been putting them off, and now it's finally a good time to deal with them, right? there are simply no more excuses. but which one? how is it possible that there are so many things to do now, all of utmost urgency?

the point is, i shouldn't have procrastinated in the first place. especially now i know for a fact that things almost always go bad after these "achievements". there's probably a 24-hour window, at best 48 hours, and that's that. nothing to see here, let's move on.

so, what to do with myself after these "things".

- don't be paralyzed. first, do the things i had previously promised others to do. they have probably been waiting for a heck of a long time already.

- secondly, remember to be grateful to all those people who supported me in this thing, whatever it is.

- thirdly, self-development takes a backseat here. make sure my livelihood is still in place, or at least, sort it out asap. no money, no talk.

- and yes, remember not to procrastinate in the first place. things that need to be done have to be done.

fatigue and entertainment

i'm always wondering when people will get really tired of the constant noise of "sponsor me!" "help me on this worthy cause!" "i'm doing good, support me and you will feel good too!". there really is only so much noise people can take before they start tuning out, and then i've lost them for good.

perhaps one way to sustain interest is via entertainment. those little quick 15 second hits that people like, and less the long form ones, even though arguably the latter ones are much more important. but in this day and age, people simply prefer to spend an hour staring at their facebook feeds rather than reading a good book. there are certainly some interesting articles being shared, but it's not exactly the focus.

so maybe, there is a more intimate link between these things and entertainment afterall.

consistency

doing new, exciting, difficult things are not too bad the first couple of times.

consistency, if it matters that is, is always the truly hard part.

and with that, comes a deeper understanding that somehow emerges.