life ranges; narrowing choices; future value; living for others

things that i really should remember, courtesy of the wife. 

there is range that we are probably born with. we can only do our best given our circumstances, and try to achieve local maximums, at least on a "success" basis. there's no limit as to how we feel though. we can feel as good or as bad as we would like to whether we achieve the local maximum or drop to the local minimum. 

our choices really do narrow as we grow older. my life really is not ahead of me any more. my potential, maybe, is just that. if i can't achieve this and that this life, well, another one. that's ok. and with narrowing choices, when we think we can choose between let's say actual dollars now and some unknown dollars in future, well, you have obligations so unknown dollars in the future isn't really a choice. 

living for others is just generally happier than living for ourselves. it really does make it simpler. 

Then, finally

There are these spots of time in life where things feel fucking awful, and where things feel fucking awesome. Objectively speaking, you know that nothing really has changed, life is just life, and ups and downs are just as normal as sunrises and sunsets. And, the sun does also rise and set (for foreseeable future), regardless of what we feel.

Those feelings, especially the soul-shattering ones, don’t just go easily. They will linger, eat at you, attacking your core, and for much longer than you envisioned. In reality, it is an act of stripping. Stripping you of the things you take for granted. Stripping you of the things you think are important. Stripping you of things that others think are important.

Then, finally.

You can finally revisit and face your naked, sorry self. 

Then, you realize that the world is an even nastier place than you thought.

Then, you realize there are pockets of people who are much kinder than you thought.

Then, you realize you looked too far ahead.

Then, you realize you didn't look far enough ahead.

Then, you realize that, life is suffering, truly.

Then, you realize that there is give and take for everything, even if may be years before you realize the benefits or the harms.

Then, you realize that you are no longer young and naive. And you have acquired a little bit of wisdom. 

Then, you finally realize you really are no different than any of your glorious and inglorious fellow human beings.

we'll control what we can control

as Belichick says, things that are out of our control are out of our control. we'll control what we can control.

things i can't control:
- when the right opportunity comes
- what others think of me
- what i've done in the past

things i can control:
- staying healthy
- staying at a minimum, non-negative
- realizing that adversity is just a fact of life
- not letting other people stick a finger in my face and telling me i'm no good
- getting punched in the gut, in the face, and getting back up, and keep moving forward

咬實牙根, and power through.

Shit always happens, and it is supposed to happen. After all, if everything was going your way, you'd be in the wrong lane. And life is suffering, just in case you forgot. Not to belittle my own suffering, but heck, there truly is a lot worse out there. 

咬實牙根, and power through. 

5 things

1. never argue. your point is irrelevant.

2. you are not worth shit. i know you have some deep hidden desire to be respected. but you are obviously delusional. you will be a terrible businessman. your parents are terrible. your values are fucked up. you suck at anything home related. you can't cook. you are worse than any helper. you were the absolute worst boyfriend and 99% of the time a very bad husband as well.

3. being happy and relaxed at home is an absolute requirement. you can do some light complaining but you must do it with humor. you are not allowed to display stress. you have to be like her dad or any of her friends who never stress. they just solve problems. there is no stress. do not talk about work. do not talk about work. do not talk about work. you have to be like her dad.

4. your past thoughts and deeds that offended her, whether you remember it or not, she will remember and will constantly remind you forever. forever.

5. her priorities and your priorities are completely different. you think you have a chance to succeed, to make a difference, to be somebody, and you have to work at it. she does not give a rat's ass about your aspirations. well, you can go about your aspirations if you never display stress. she would like you to be happy. if you are not happy, she will be sure to compare you to her dad or her friends or a thousand other people who are really happy and great entrepreneurs, great fathers and great husbands. she can be poor and happy. and thus, you should be able to be poor and happy as well. in fact, you should just be happy and relaxed always. it doesn't matter what the fuck your priorities or aspirations are. what matters is you are like her dad, her friends, and that you are happy and relaxed all the time. you are simply not allowed to stress. there is no alternative.

stfu

remember, sometimes, or many times, you really are supposed to just shut the fuck up and not break your own rules.

very complicated answer

From Dave Chappelle's interview with David Letterman, regarding walking away from 50 million dollars:
"Very complicated answer... cuz I've felt a variety of ways in the last ten years, whenever there's something I'd like to have, and I could have afforded, that I can't now afford, and then I'm upset about it! But then when I see a guy doing a job that's time consuming, and he doesn't have the free time to do the things that I get to do, then I feel good about it."
And Dave Letterman goes, "Who among us doesn't make choices that we have regrets about?" and they both go, "All of us do."

That's the thing. We have to make choices, and frequently, the choices seem just dumb in retrospect. Even though I might have thought long and hard about them, picking the best possible route, or at least so I think, balancing the pros and cons, risks and rewards, and well, sometimes, it just doesn't work out.

The thing is to keep getting back up, and moving forward. Or trying to move forward. (Well, yes, there's the chance that there are more possibly wrong decisions to make). But in reality, there's really not much else to it.

lots of motivation and no more time

"I'm stuck in this position with loads and loads of motivation but potentially not very much time. But I see lots of people out there that have time. What I can try to do is give them a bit of my motivation, to go out there and achieve something – enjoy life."

thanks stephen. 

mercy and justice

in a way, that's what it comes down to, when and if a person in a position to do so.

if you are too just, you might as well be a computer algorithm.

if you are too merciful, then why have rules in the first place.

there will never be the best answer, only the one that you can live with.

天下有兩難

天下有兩難：登天難，求人更難；
天下有兩苦：黃連苦，貧窮更苦；
世間有兩險：山高險，人心更險；
世間有兩薄：春冰薄，人情更薄。
知其難、守其苦、測其險、忍其薄，則可以處世矣。

newton's third law

as frequently quoted by my ex-boss, simply put, for every action, there is a reaction. cause and effect. now, whether this extends to past lives and future reincarnations, that part is probably more faith than anything else, but over the course of our lives, it becomes fairly obvious that it has to be true. the effect is sometimes unforeseen, unexpected, but, it always has a cause. sometimes it's a fortuitous coincidence, other times it's murphy's law.

the only way to deal with this is to try to steer the odds in our favor, at least the miniscule part that we appear to have some control over, namely anything that relates to 1) how we interact with our environment and the people we come across; and 2) our willpower to do things that in spite of the environment that we are in, or, in spite of ourselves. all else really we don't even have any semblance of control.

and this also applies to whether people will realize it. if they wonder, of course we share. if they simply do not believe it exists, we listen and we watch, silently, and compassionately if we can.

the top x%

so, every day, i worry about this, i worry about that. i worry whether i'm making the right decisions, i wonder whether things will turn out ok. i wonder if i'm maximizing, i wonder why so many people are so ahead of me, in every part of my life. 

yes, of course things will turn out perfectly as they were supposed to, we already established that earlier. 

and seriously, i already am at the top x% of the world's population. and i mean, what right do i have to worry so much about my trivial problems? when there are truly massive issues out there? 

limits

there really is not enough time to do everything. there isn't. the skills i wish i had time to be great at: spoken chinese, written chinese, ultramarathons, yoga. the relationships with family, friends, acquaintances. new books, new science. ancient books, ancient wisdom. oh, and also figure out my finances and invest wisely so i actually will have time to do all this stuff at a later stage. 

so, yes, time. 

there will never be enough time to do everything i set out to do. no matter what age i will be, be it 10 years from now, or 10 years ago, i never had enough time. 

just, try, to do more of the things that i would say, i wish i had the willpower to start 10 years ago. 

always

anything worth doing is always painful. 

always.

and it's about how much pain and boredom i can endure. and it's about getting started - to stick myself right into the pain and boredom. even though i know it will suck real bad. or in fact, particularly because i know it will suck real bad. 

it's only worth doing because not everyone is willing to throw themselves into situations that will suck real bad. not probably, but definitely.

the trick is to think not about the pain, but something simple, like how nice it would feel after the pain. 

that's all really - just when it's just simply too unbearable, forget everything else for a moment. just focus on the result to get kickstarted. 

then, just let the pain run its usual course. 

between a rock and a hard place

sometimes life is simply just like that. option A is terrible. option B is horrible. and sorry, there are no other options. i can analyze the hell out of it, trying to figure out which is more terrible or horrible, which one is more long term or short term, which one will most likely cause me too much pain, cause others too much pain, but in the end, i know for certain it won't turn out OK. whatever decision that i take, it will grind me down, chew me up, and spit me back out such that i probably cannot function normally for a while.

yes, even if that decision is supposed to be the "right" one, and of course whether it's right or not depends completely on perspective.

it is simply not fun.

interestingly, sometimes option A did not seem too terrible until option B came about. we are remarkably good about getting used to things. so, ironically, choices do have the ability to make things worse, or at least, shed light on why the original option A was not so great. and subsequently cause the usual indecision painful process etc.

this really does happen. in all areas of life. in all walks of life. in all stages of life.

i guess, i'd just better really get used to that life truly, truly is suffering. anything else really is a bonus already.

opportunities are a strange thing

which risks and opportunities am i supposed to just take on, and say, screw it, i'm doing this, to hell with whatever others say?

and which ones should i just walk away, knowing that i will probably still wonder "what if" for possibly the longest time?

yes, i know i'm supposed to focus on the present - and just forget about the alternatives. a decision is a decision.

i don't know.

唯有咬實牙根. and wait and observe things and life that will inevitably change, for better or worse.

even longer than an ultra

it always seems like i have so much to do, so much to learn, so much i'm supposed to be accomplishing. the "success" stories never really stopped to smell the flowers. meanwhile i'm just kinda hopping around here and there.

am i just flip-flopping too much, or am i really gaining an incredible breadth of experience?

all these people are ahead of me. all these people are doing things i wish i had been doing.

all these people haven't run a 100km, they haven't been to kailash either.

i do forget life really is longer than the longest ultra. and i really was never meant to win any ultras. keep healthy, keep learning, keep meditating. try to enjoy the run.

may 1

so i've had now about three weeks here - enough to calm down a little bit, and start to realize this is not just a particularly long business trip. 

it really kinda sucks and i really miss home. 

to be sure, things really have been exceptionally nice here, and i couldn't have asked for a smoother transition. 

the truth is i really am a creature of habit, and having my comfort zone torn away (almost a cruel joke i'm playing on myself), just bothers something me deeply. sure, externally, i will look ok, i will sound ok... but i really have had a piece of myself ripped off. of course we are simply talking just a relocation here, and i also realize it really is not a drastic change. plenty of people go through plenty worse. and i am sure i will have plenty worse to go through in my life. 

but at this point in time, generally, to put it simply, it just feels like crap. the one thing i pride myself on, communicating well, has been ripped away from me. it renders me ineffective, unconfident, and slow. i don't know what to say, i don't know how to react, and i can't understand half the stuff that's going on. and i don't have any familiar comfort zone to retreat into. it simply seems like i'm exposed everywhere and i can't escape. 

in a way, i guess it is a crutch, and i'd rely on my language skills to get through. now it's gone - well, there's only one way, that is to build it. 

the truth is, i find it a lot harder now to build. maybe, i have lost a bit of willpower with age. maybe, i hate letting people see me work hard, and the fact that i can't truly be alone to work at it affects me. these are still kind of stupid excuses at the end of the day. 

so on one hand, work on your language. as always, i never was the smartest one but i could work the hardest. 

and on the other hand, just deal with the fact your life will kinda suck for a while. 

and lastly, just remember to keep up the hardest practice of it all - kindness. 

starting over

sometimes, i wonder what it would be like to start my life over.

then, i wonder if i could at least start my last 10 years over. ok, how about just my last 5 years?

ok, maybe i really should be thinking what the heck i should be doing now, so i won't be thinking the exact same thing five years, ten years hence.

for one, keeping this daily practice is probably not a bad thing to restart.

when all else fails, and my mind is blank, angry, confused, just try not to do bad things, and do something that's kind.

sometimes, it is just damn hard to do the right thing

sometimes, or many times, what the "right" thing is really subject to a ton of debate. and it doesn't help when the possibly not "right" thing or thing in that grey area can lead to a bit of personal gain, and not at anyone's expense. i just have to come to terms with the fact that i still should try to do what appears to be right. despite sometimes it's obvious stupidity to everyone, including myself.